The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I know there are alot of newcomers that come to this website looking for a little bit of hope to make it through another day. I myself did the same thing. So this morning, I woke up, and my HP has guided me here to do a posting. So HP, here are my fingers, go ahead...
I love an alcoholic, had 2 children with him, but haven't lived with him for over two years. I am still married, and plan to stay that way, as long as there are little snippets of improvement to hold on to.
I chose not to live with him because I can't stand worrying about him all day, will not drive him to and from work, and if I am going to raise these children alone anyways, I would like the insanity to not be in my home around these two beautiful children.
I asked him to leave and gave him a six month deadline, which has well passed. Now, there is no deadline. I want him in my life, I love him so much, and I will not let the disease wreck our marraige.
Things are much better with him not living here. I am no longer his codependant, enabler, or a mean vicious wife. We still have our struggles, as he lives two hours away, and has no liscence. However, we are learning how to communicate, and really appreciate each other when we are together. He is still active, and I am okay with that. I am fine living alone, and as long as we get along my kids still have their dad in their life. If nothing changes, I know that it will not get worse for my kids. The worst that can happen is that he will drop out of their life for good, and we are already used to not hearing from him very often.
I guess what I am trying to say is that You don't have to live with your alcoholic, and you don't have to hate him if you ask him to leave. The first months of us not living together were really rough, in fact, awful. I just followed my HP, and tried to stay as loving as I could, and pounded it into his head that I love him, and only want the best for him, and that I am not able to give it to him, that living with me is only helping his addiction hold on to him.
He is no closer to day to sobriety than two years ago, but we are closer, in heart and mind.
It is like I am married to a military man, I only get to see him when he is on leave.....
To all those who are just finding that there is a better way than our own devices to survive an alcoholic relationship, good luck. Don't be afraid, and follow your heart, not your anger. And remember, you can always say sorry, so even if you do the wrong thing, at least you are doing something.
What a nice post, to know that it is working out for you. I totally agree that it is very painful to have the A living in the same house as you have to witness his decline and decisions daily.
You seem to be open minded, have the children's best interest in mind, as well as keeping the family together only separate.
You are cool, calm, and collected. You have a situation with your A that you accept and are doing the best that you can. Peace and blessings to you and your family, Annie
You have drawn boundaries and are living by them, I think that is terrific! Your kids are not living with the insanity of an active A. I will not let my A anywhere near me when he is drinking,and over the past year, he has nearly stopped.I guess he decided he would rather be with me, and has done it all on his own.He is a very determined person, very stubborn! It has been to his good, as the doctors didn't think he would ever walk again after a very bad MV accident (drinking and driving).He couldn't drink where he was staying after his accident and maybe he made sure he could walk so he could drink? I have a sneaky suspicion that may have been the case. Now he is healthy and strong again, but can't live with me if he drinks. I was adamant about that, and we spent a lot of time apart for a few years.I was a great enabler at first, knowing nothing about alcoholism, did everything for him but wipe his ...
He had several accidents after the first, falling while drunk etc.All of them related to alcohol. The last time, he had to have another operation, by that time, I was totally fed up with it all. I rarely visited him at the hosp., and when it came time to go home, that's exactly where I took him!!To his own home, all alone.He couldn't believe I would leave him there! He asked me what he was going to do alone? I told him to hire a nurse, or maybe his drinking buddies would look after him! It sure wasn't easy for me, I have always been the 'fix the broken wing' kinda person, but it was breaking my wings too, and I had to do something about it because it seemed he would never learn if I kept fixing his. I have found that spending time apart has really helped our relationship, setting boundaries, and sticking to them. It looks like it has really helped in your life as well! You can still love the guy, maybe even more than you would if you were living together, and keep the insanity away from your kids. Sounds like a woman who is very well balanced to me! I know every situation is different, and not everyone can do this. It ain't easy, loving an alcoholic!!! TLC to us !!
What an awesome share! Thanks for being so open and honest.
I really liked what you had to say because it is a great example for me of how we have options in program we wouldn't even consider before coming to Al-Anon. We can think out of the box! The confines of what society thinks is so wonderful don't work in real life and certainly not in an alcoholic relationship, in my experience.
My A and I were never able to find a middle ground to work from to potentially save our relationship. We parted ways nearly a year ago after being together six years. I would have liked us to salvage our marriage but it wasn't to be. Now I am finally working out MY STUFF before seeking out another relationship. Your experience, strength and hope helps me remember there are all sorts of options out there for whatever and whomever I encounter next on my journey.
Love and hugs, Jessi
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If you want something you've never had, you have to do something you've never done.
Thanks for sharing! You will never know how much you just helped me. I had to ask my "A" husband to move out and I have been upset over my decision wondering did I do the right thing or not. After reading your post I believe that I did because I never looked at things that way and you actually gave me strength. I mean if you can go through all that and have to take care of children and I have no children then surely I can go through it with just me.
It's kinda hard to explain but when you read something that someone else rights even though you may have been thinking the same thing it just makes more sense when someone else says it. That probably made no sense to anyone but me (lol). But again thanks so much for sharing you gave me strength. You also let me know that yeah things will be tough at times but you do survive them. So thanks a million.
I want to say thanks for sharing! You really helped me while I am going throught the same situation currently. It is people like you that really help people like me! I keep coming back here to get the words of wisdom and words of kindness from you all as well as to learn from you all. So I want to send a special thank you for sharing bout something that I am dealing with.
I know this is an old post but I felt I needed to respond. I am in the process of detaching and it is aweful. However reading this post has really helped me. I took the house keys off and set the boundaries. No coming into my home after you have been drinking and no drinking in my home. I too have 3 children to take care of. My 7 year old son and his 12 year old son and 10 year old daughter none that we had together. I have known him for 20 years and he has lived with me for the past 3 now. This is our second go around. Thank you again for your words and your strength has brought me to a better place. I too love my A and don't want to live without him.
Annie
