The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I hope I can be really really clear about this, speak from where I'm at, and share my experience/strength/hope only. I'm also hoping that by sharing, I'm not going to open myself up to mean commentaries, and instead be able to share with all of you how things are, god knows how slowly, getting better. My mom announced she was sending a letter. Now, generally speaking anytime she sends a letter, this means I'm going to get a card where she tells me how horrible I am, how she's sorry she ever gave birth to me, and here's a $200 check to assuage her guilt. When she announced she was sending me another letter, after talking it out with my sponsor, I decided I couldn't do it anymore; when I got the letter, I was going to mark it "return to sender," money and all. I wasn't going to allow her to say horrible things, then buy me off anymore. I couldn't do it. Instead, when the card came--and curiosity got the better of me--it started off with "I hope one day you'll be able to forgive me and your father for the absolutely horrific fights we had and you had to live through." She never directly said how she witnessed the incest; how she participated in the battering; how she, too, called me unspeakable names and said such vomitous things to me that I've repeated them here is a testament to how sick I became from them. But I had read a similar letter after her first marriage ended, and she had written her mother in law, asking if her mother in law blamed her for the end of the marriage. No, the MIL said, but there's enough blame on both sides, and I really think, the MIL went on, that you need to give some thought now that you're recognizing the enourmoity of your mistake while your young to consider what you want out of your life and what kind of maturity it's going to take to get that. I thought, when I read the letter that mom had sent her first MIL, "It's sad that nothing had never changed; she was 23 when that marriage ended, and she's 55 now. All that changed was how old she was." As I read through the letter, I realized "This may be the closest I get to amends from my mother; and that's really too bad. that's really not fair either." As I hashed through the feelings in my journal/10th step, I realized that sick people do sick things and behave in sick ways because they can't see the enormoty of their actions; like her MIL said, like, an eon ago, maturity is necessary in their lives (or at least in my mom's), and that's not happening here. Marge concurred that this was probably the closest to amends I was going to get from mom, and to pray for the willingness to accept mom as she is and that she is God's child and God's creation; that means that God sees her in a way I don't need to and I can't. More to the point, God has a purpose for her that I don't need to be concerned with and I can't see yet, and if the sole purpose of our relationship is to understand how to be a good parent by seeing what a parent isn't then, c'est la vie. Her purpose is fufilled. But as another long term recovering member pointed out, God will reveal to me the information that will allow me to love my mother in the way that God does in his time with compassion of the deepest measure when I am ready--in the mean time, use the knowledge I do have to love her as I best I can and pray to god to be a compassionate, accepting human being in her life. Yesterday, I went to the house to talk to dad about some school and insurance bills. As dad's voice got louder and louder (I stayed calm, as I was taught here), I realized that, here, too, was the closest to amends as I was ever going to get from Dad. Dad, really, wasn't angry at me, but he didn't have the maturity to express to me how he felt about a sitution that, historically, has been emotional, toxic, explosive, and sensitive: my health and its expense. Dad was happy to pay the bills for preventative maintence appointments; Dad had no problems bickering with the insurance companies over the smaller details in the bills, and, if they were insignificant enough, would pay them. But when events were blindsiding enough, he didn't know, and doesn't know, how to say his peace without pancking; in his office, there are 2 or 3 ladies that spend the business day arguing with various agencies to cover patients; all he has to do is say "this is what this patient will need, and this is when I expect it done." Whenever the insurance refutes his orders is the singular time dad is involved; other wise, Dad doesn't communicate with a faceless agency that, by its nature, takes the cheapest route to pay for an expensive thing. Moreover, no agency wants to talk to my dad; he has a reputation. So when he was raising his voice, cursing and railing, I realized, "This is him. There's nothing new about him. This is something I can't change, and that he doesn't know hurts people or needs to be changed. This is how he takes care of his patients and gets business done. This is how he's taken care of me when I was a sick little girl. This is the best way he can make amends--by haggling with the car insurance, the health insurance, the school bursar, to make sure they're not playing games." After he left, I cried a little bit; but I felt relieved. I understood finally; he is sick. So is my mom. Sick people do sick things. I want to emphasize, to you who are new, I've been here a while. I've struggled alot. I've argued with people who've been here longer than I have that the fact that my parents are sick wasn't an excuse for their behavior. I'll never EVER excuse my parents behavior. If ever I do, stop me. Catch me. I'm coming to see that the sicker the person, the less capable I am of interviening. there was a time when I was ready to turn my father in to the state board--I was so desprate. but today I'm seeing that it's best to let professionals handle my dad. It doesn't mean that what I've lived with and through is stupid, or irrational, or insane--God knows it was and is all of the above. But professionals can handle professionals better than family can. I don't know how, but they talk better to each other. They call each other on their nonsense. In the mean time, I'm working on me. And hoping, ODAAT, I can help you. Thanks again, to all of you, for helping me get where I'm at. Got to go to class. TTYL.
No judgment from me just plain admiration that you have shared what you have, in the way that you have.
You have helped me see that recovery is not something that we can expect over night but something that we must be prepared to accept as and when it takes place, bit by bit whilst continuing to seek, work at and wrestle with the many facets of our own sickness, and that has gaven me permission to allow myself to go as fast as my body, mind and spirit will allow me with my HP in control and not me.
Hope you had a good day in class, Hugs, HB
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"The highest form of wisdom is kindness." The Talmund
No, I hear you. No judgment here. This is why we go to Alanon. Progress not perfection. I struggle with my mother. She is never wrong, never at fault. Very critical and always deflects the moral and emotional responsibility to someone else. But we have our HP's to love us and give guidance no matter what. As they say don't leave until the miracle happens.
Tiger, your post tugged at my heart, and brought tears to my eyes.
I will never ever receive any semblance of amends from my mother, and that has been so very hard to accept.
My father never apologized for anything in his life till about 5 years ago, and I think he's made a general apology twice.
It has been so hard to learn to nurture that child within myself that received, at best, very dysfunctional, conditional love while growing up.
There are still times I find myself feeling 5 years old when talking to my parents, and I'm almost 50.
Not only did I move a good distance away from the addicted ex-husband, but also from my parents.
They can be very toxic for me if I am not careful.
I am over a barrel right now and it's been extremely stressful. Because I have had to appeal my disability application, I am without an income right now, so my dad is paying the bills and rent.
That's been a handy way to 'control' me when I have gotten fed up with my almost 20 year old who is acting out all over the place, never finished her schooling, and refuses to get out on her own.
All she has to do is pick up the phone, call my father, and tell him I told her to get out.
I get it with both barrels and he threatens to pull the help on monthly bills.
I have taken the anger I feel, and made a decision to finish my college degree starting this fall. I should be done within a year's time.
Then I can get a job I am physically capable of doing, which will either be medical billing or transcription.
It's so hard emotionally right now, but I have my eye on the pie and a goal I will complete to stand on my feet again.
Any time I am receiving any kind of help from my father, it's been a sticky situation.
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"If a dog will not come to you after having looked you in the face, you should go home and examine your conscience." - Woodrow Wilson
Your post reminds me of when I went to visit my family of origin. I had a real desire to do that and a lot of people could not understand why I had to stop everything and go. I had a conversation with my younger sister where she adknowledged our family was dysfunctional. I had one or two of those conversations before she went back to sentimentalizing stuff. Those conversations were about all I cam going to get from my family of acknowledging insanity. For me that was huge. I admire your maturity in understanding that expecting more is setting yourself up.
I am beginning to see how I do set myself up around dysfunctional people. I keep hoping for companionship and mirroring and of course I do not get it. I know my hope is the barrier and I have to get to surrendering to move on.
Great post Tiger and great responses, people. WOW, this is an important topic because I bet 9 out of 10 of us have a parent or family member that we will never get any kind of amends from or peace with directly. I am Ok with my dead father and I am pretty Ok with my still living mom. I have also dealt with some stuff with my sister and am Ok with her. But it has taken years of therapy and a lot of hard brutal work on myself, like you have said, Tiger. its so painful and ruthless, this work but its so important, too. Great post, thank you so much Tiger for putting it out there. Hugs, J.
