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I can't count how many times I have posted on this topic. And yet here again, I'm getting that feeling of desperation! I have been alone for 18 months now, still no good friends, no men and I am feeling really needy lately. I am seriously considering actually almost planning to go pick up some guy at a bar for a fling (however long that lasts for) just to get some human contact. I hate feeling like this and am wondering what's going on with me? I can't figure it out. I was perfectly happy and now I'm feeling desperate again. HP is taking too long to give me what I need! I don't want to be some old maid with 50 cats! I'm starting to feel like a nun!
Carolinagirl - oh how I can relate. I've got some sweet wonderful friends, but it's just not quite the same. The human contact thing is so real - but I'm working on being patient while waiting on HP. In the meantime, I'm not passing up any opportunity for fun. Going dancing is good - because you get that contact.
But I've decided for myself that I'm not going to just settle. I've still got to wake up with myself in the morning - and I want to be okay with what I see. Everyone has to decide what's best for themselves obviously - but for me - at least for today - I'm making peace with my "alone-ness".
I know that there are a world of people out there, and I'm not in the healthiest state of mind right now to be picking the best person for me. My disease is telling me that excitement and bad judgement aren't so bad, right? HA! (Uh -oh...that's how I landed here to start with!!!) I just have to remember that if I want something meaningful (and I do) ...then I have to be willing to wait patiently and do the work on myself in the meantime. HP is readying me for something special. I just know it.
Hang in there! You're not alone in this alone-ness!!!
Oh the image of being alone w/50 cats made me cringe. LOL. I am where you are, as you know. I wish I had an answer for you but I am tangled up in my own web of "What the crap is going on?" So hang in there. The dancing thing is a good idea....if you like dancing. I love dancing and can really let loose on the dance floor. Forget about all my worries. Ya know?
I love dancing but I like to drink when I go and then I can't drive AND I don't have anyone to go with! U wanna come on down and go to myrtle beach with me? LOL
Dance, go out running, walking (take the kids), get a massage, take a movement class like yoga or tai chi or something, join the Y, burn up your sexual energy with improving the temple of your own body- its like physical al-anon.
Each one of us is the precious one: physically as well as mentally, spiritually, etc. Lavish your truly miraculous body with exclusive positive attention through diet and exercise and meditation and watch yourself begin to glow after awhile. You will get so wrapped up in it, you will attract suitors like moths to the flame and you won't even notice it! Get into yourself like an exclusive secret lover!
I absolutely LOVE dancing.....and don't need a drop of alcohol to get down and boogy. LOL. It is in my bones. I tend to get up and dance at my desk at work when a good song comes up. Makes everyone laugh.
Getting physical helps too....burn off some aggressions. I do pilates, martial arts and cardio on the treadmill. Feels great.....although I can tell you, it doesn't do a damn thing for me in the sexual urges department. In fact, it makes me crave it more b/c I am more confident in my appearance and physical abilities.....and thinking, now who can I show all this fineness to? LOL.
I've only got 43 more cats to acquire and I could qualify! LOL!
Seriously, I'm sorry you're feeling this way. (((hugs))) I battled that off and on for a long time. I can't really tell you when those bouts of feeling alone and needy went away for the most part, but it was years ago.
I'm not a social type of person anyway, so my meetings, and running errands and bumping into folks I know, calling my sponsor, pretty well seem to fill my need for human interaction.
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"If a dog will not come to you after having looked you in the face, you should go home and examine your conscience." - Woodrow Wilson
I definitely know where that will go. I have always done that. I think its huge to reach out and ask for support. I also know absolutely I do not know how to do that. I do not know how to be friends, obsess about someone, enmesh yes, but be friends nope.
I am also very very very lonely and I have been trying to date. I am scared stiff.
I hope you do not act on your impulse. I understand it totally but I also know what doing what I always did got me..back in the same place. If I sleep with someone its like super glue I can never leave them.
I have been alone for 3 years. It gets a little better. When we feel most alone we have to reach out and ask to be connected to the universe. I find that alot of times we do it to ourselves. There are people out there who are lonely and need friends. I force myself to make a gesture, go to a different store, take a different road to work, call an old friend. At my age I am not hopefully of finding someone else but I do miss MEN! Oh well, my cat likes to snug.
((((Carolinagirl))) I am into my 5th day without my ah. Though I have my son for company. I know that lonliness will set in as I have been in a relationship mostly bad, all my life. It's a basic human need to have a companion to share your days with. I find I sleep so much better now, and am slowly relaxing. It took me 13 years to stop playing alcholic games and reclaim my life. What about a sport? Are you active in your child's school? (If you have kids) That is a good place to meet people. Ballroom dancing is popular... have you seen the movie with Richard Gere (sigh) called "Shall we Dance?" That is inspirational, and he made real friends by doing something "out of the square". If you garden, there's garden clubs. Actually there is a club for just about anything you can think of. From past experience, nightclubs and bars are meatmarkets. Nobody is looking for love there.... HPs timing is perfect in these matters... SB Blessings
I just try to stay concious of the FACT that there are worse things than being alone. And I'm also real careful what I wish for. HP tends to like me to ask for things with specificity. No more broad prayers for HP to send me "someone". Oh no.....if/when I start asking for another person in my life, I will be pretty specific in my request!!!!! :)
It is no accident that we are precisely where we are (single, married, etc.). Our HP wants us to be where we are. You need to be where you are, each day at a time. J.
I feel the same way and I live with my AH!! I honestly believe I would be less lonely if he was gone because I have this fantasy belief that he is going to turn into the loving companion I thought he would be when I married him. Talk about resentment due to unrealistic expectations. At least if he didn't live here, I wouldn't have the expectation.
My kids, dog and female friends are what my HP has given me and I am eternally grateful for them! Yeah, I miss the sexual intimacy- but I need to respect myself in the morning too. I can't continue to give my AH mixed messages-- for me now, sex is conditional. It is not to punish the A into recovery, it is to keep me sane. I need boundaries to protect me.
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In the long run the pessimist may be proved right, but the optimist has a better time on the trip.- Daniel L. Reardon
I can relate to how you feel, I too am in a relationship, and I to am alone. I would love too find some one to make me feel whole. I know today that no person will ever do that. That happiness is a inside job. The other thing I know is that the healthier I get the healthier my relationships will get. Some days I hate these saying....and still want to take the easy way out, but I am only cheating myself. I can not wait for the day, when all this pays off.
Dale L O L !!! OMG, that made me laff and laff- yes that big beautiful GOLDEN pay off day when we can be joyous happy and free??!! I think most of us who are living with A's are missing something?! I am right there with ya Dale. Keep coming back, Hugs, J.
I was thinking last night about your post again....I believe we can get those needs met with out "picking someone up". I used to go to a acoa meeting that was really good at filling the need of being touched by other people. There was always lots of good hugs, lots of safe back rubs. In that meeting I learned how to just let people touch me in a safe way. I believe that we have been so isolated for so long that we think sex is the way of getting that need filled, and that any other type of touch feels un-natural or creepy, at least thats how I felt. I learned it is ok for safe people to touch me, or hold or let me cry on their shoulder, and it not lead to a sexual way. I feel this is a need that we have, as much as air is to us.....this is my thoughts, please let me know what you think Dale
Well, you probably know my story by now. Even tho AH and I are still together, it is more like living in a convent, so I know what you are talking about! Loneliness! Just to feel a man's arms around you. Not just sex (or not EVEN sex) but just to feel the warmth and the embrace. That is why I go out dancing. I have found out I don't have to sleep with a guy to have a good time, the body contact does it for me. I love to dance, too, and don't need a drop of alcohol to enjoy it, either. Sending warm wishes your way. Wish you lived close so we could go out and show people how WE boogie! Love in Recovery, Becky1
Dale - I SO get what you're talking about. Part of the downside of being "alone" is the lack of physical contact (the hugs, the backrubs, etc. that you mentioned). I agree that they're as vital to us as the air we breathe. It's hard to fill that need with anything different. Yes, meetings are good for that.
Humans really are such social creatures. As much as I wave a banner of independence (and I do!), I find that if I'm truly alone (no social contact at all) for a couple of days, I get depressed and begin to lose focus on things, and am just plain sad. As soon as I have contact with another human (not even physical contact - maybe just a phone call from a friend) then I perk back up. Physical contact releases those endorphins even moreso. I think it's HP's way of keeping us connected to each other and keeping the species thriving. If it's looked at that way - then not only are we TIRED of being alone - but HP DOESN'T WANT US TO BE ALONE! I don't think we were created to be alone.
