The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
My best friend and I spent a lot of time together in the 80's having a great time partying. We were both in our 20's at that time. He was always the life of the party, but as time went by I started to notice changes in him. He went from being the life of the party to becoming mean when he drank.
Anyway, I was able to walk away from the drinking free and clear. He was not able to, and has gone through and is attending AA as he has for the past 15 years or so, and has been sober for ten.
Now that we've grown older, I truely am confused. He says he misses our friendship and to stop by when I'm in town. When I make the effort, he seems to make excuses for not meeting up. I am truely hurt by his "coolness" toward our friendship and don't understand why at this stage in our lives, we can't be sober friends.
Can someone help me understand the logic behind this, it's bothered me for years.
Welcome Dekare! Just as people are all different, so are people who are recovering alcoholics. I certainly don't KNOW why he is behaving this way, but my guess is that while he misses the friendship, you may also be a reminder to him of a time in his life that is better left in the past.
Does he know you are sober and that your time together would be free of alcohol? Alcoholics talk some about "slippery situations", "old playmates and playgrounds". He may not wish to go there or even tread where there is that possibility.
He may also worry that the "reminiscing" that the two of you would do, would obviously involve recalling a time in his life that might have been painful and that he's trying to put behind him.
Above all, try not to take this thing personally. He may have other reasons that have nothing to do with you. The next time you talk to him on the phone, you might just ask him about it.
Whether the two of you re-connect or not, take a moment to be grateful that your friend has found sobriety and is alive and well. This disease is a killer.
I dont know as someone who has not put drugs and drinking first in my life I can understand the behavior of an addict. I can certainly understand an other codependent though. I spent a lifetime wondering why other people behaved the way they did and not that much time on wondering why my behavior was so out of line. I mourned and mourned that people could not be the way I needed them to be. I did not look at how I was not the way I neeed to be at all.
I think its sometimes infathomable to think about what it takes to recover from alcoholism. I do know for me if people do not meet my needs on small levels anymore I don't hang around to wonder why. I think it took me years to get there. I am in the equation now I never was before.
If he has 15 years in the program and is sober 10 years his sobriety maybe testable. Ask him your concern directly and then listen for his response. One of the two major requirements of sobriety in AA is "a capacity to be honest." Go test his honesty and don't be afraid of doing that. There maybe a mystery about it and there may not be. You won't know until you ask. It could be something, anything or nothing; still you gotta ask.
Nice to have you checking in and hope you come around more often. Lots to learn here and you might find things to pass on to others.
Logic ? u want logic ? Alcoholics that i have known and I discuss this behavior alot and they call it come here go way . makes no sence . From a distance anything is possible but when your right in front of them offering friendship it's a diff story . the only person who has an answer to your question is your friend . good luck Louise
I've been around a long long time and have seen more blaming of loved ones for the alcoholic condition than you can imagine. I have been in service to families, friends, relatives and associates of alcoholics who have been the target of and justification for the alcoholics drinking. The justification is bogus and by listening to recovering alcoholics today, many of them who blamed others for their drinking, and on a daily basis; the ones that do recover are the ones who humbly accept the responsibility for their compulsion to drink, the consequences and the desire to recover.
From the AMA definition on alcoholism, "Alcoholism is a primary disease with it's own pathology. It is not a sympton of another condition." This is a paraphase as I have forgotten alot of what I memorized when I came into recovery in the Al-Anon Family Groups with many bogus thoughts and feelings. One bogus thought was that she drank because of me. The truth is and was then that she drank because she gave into the compulsion to drink and had nothing to offset the compulsion.
well, this sounds almost exactly like my story. im a recovering alcoholic that was at "my peak" in the 80s. as for my best friend from those days that quit drinking and got "normal" without the program, i always new she was more functional than myself. i knew in my heart i was way out of control in the 80s and though i appeared to be the life of the party and to be having i great time, i was in hell and suffering. for myself, i dont believe anyone actually "knew" me back then, my relationships were not real, as i was hiding with the help of my addiction. i had some horrible reactions from people i thought were friends when i first went to AA and it made me cautious. about the nicest thing an "old friend" did was ask to come to a meeting with me, it wasnt for anything other than to understand a little of my life so as to be supportive, i was so moved by this and will never forget it. the other side of the coin is he owes you an amends and is afraid. if thats the the case, call him on it!
Jerry, I completely understand how an active A will blame others for why they drink or use. My AH has been blaming me for years. It wasn't until I started alanon that I realized that I really wasn't the reason. The last time he tried to blame me I just laughed.
The reason I say that dekare may trigger her friends desire to drink is that sometimes you associate certain things together. Similar to when you hear an old song on the radio, it brings you back to a time and place in your past. Maybe when he thinks about meeting up with her he is thinking, "Let's Party." and it is making him uncomfortable.
It may not be that at all, it was just my thought.
