The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
Many people posted a while back for me to stop being so hard on myself, but it seems that I keep doing and saying things that make me feel guilty.. Isn't that guilty earned when one continues to repeatedly do things they know are "wrong" or that are going to make them feel bad about themselves...? Don't I deserve to feel bad for that?
No, what you deserve is to take a long hard look at yourself and the situation and say ok, I messed up, I'm not going to do that again. Even if it sounds like fun and I know it will be good in the moment. I'm not going to do it. Think about ways you can be a better mom and work on that. Try to see yourself as you really are and find the bad things and work to make them better. Think of ways to be better at work, as a parent, as a woman, whatever and then start making little steps to do it. IE I'm not going to yell anymore... or I'm not going to sleep with that man again no matter what because even tho i like it it's bad for me...
Code, you go and do/feel whatever you want. Your path is not my path, your journey is not mine or anyone elses on this board. YOU ARE COMPLETELY UNIQUE in your own personal path to recovery. I have no idea what is best for you, only you know what is best for you.
We all have our own choices to make. Best to you and hugs, keep coming back, just as you are. J.
Yes, if you have done something bad, then you probably will feel bad about it. That's normal and good as far as keeping us from doing really bad things. But when we hang onto the fact that we did something "bad" and beat ourselves up with it is really selfish. We tend to judge ourselves more harshly than anyone else could judge us. If we hang onto the past, what we did wrong, and punish ourselves with it then we are not growing, we are not changing, we are staying on our pity pot and not living our life. Self pity is selfish and not productive. To even begin to make amends for what we have done wrong we have to recognise who the REAL victim of our actions is and make amends to them. And then we have to change because that is the best way to make amends to others and to ourselves...change.
My ex was a master of hurting me and then spinning it and somehow making me feel sorry for him. My mother does the same thing. I have even caught myself doing it too. I know the feeling! Guilt will not change anything. Sorrow and regret will not change anything. The only thing that will make it better is you. You have the power.
Feelings of guilt could be an asset that triggers me into looking at what it is that I am doing. Fear is also a trigger feeling for inventory.
Guilt can become a default emotion that without adequate self awareness will always be there even when it is not warranted. I feel guilt so therefore there must be something wrong with me or I must being doing something wrong.
Working the program with an experienced and knowlegable sponsor will help reduce unwanted and inappropriate feelings especially of guilt.
Just because it keeps coming up for you doesn't verify that you are wrong or that something is wrong for you. When it kept coming up for me I started looking at feelings and found that I had no appropriate definition for feelings and didn't usually know what the feeling was that was coming up. The lack of awareness led to frustration and that led me to anger. Anger was my default emotion until I went after self awareness and what feelings were and how they came about for me.
"Emotions or feelings are inward reactions to outside events." That definition was given to me and is still the best one I got. sometimes my guilt is inappropriate because I'm reacting to what I suppose is another persons expectation or value of me and what I am doing. I am reacting... I don't even like that awareness and with the help of the program I get over it.
I know for me that I am not totally unique--I am not totally special but I am blessed! And where do blessings come from? YOU bet! God or your HIGHER POWER whoever you choose to call HIM. Just keep coming back! I have seen miracles you wouldn't believe! I am one of those miracles! You can take it from a woman who has been through almost everything and has been resilient. I am not looking for kudos or anything. I am blessed and grateful and don't mind sharing it with anyone. Keep coming back, you will let go and forgive yourself in time. I am still working on me--it doesn't stop working especially after 22 years! Thanks for visiting and responding to all the postings you are able to. Hey hang in there!
