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I am a grateful member of Alanon. Without the understanding and support from this program and its members I would be back on the merry-go-round again. Thanks for the lovely replies guys... I'm never alone in what I experience. During that latest episode --3 weeks of withdrawal, avoidance and drunken behaviour (not to mention all the other times previous) I made no effort to run after him. I said "good morning" and things like that but did not try to reach into his soul and pull him out and do it all for him again. I just stayed busy, remained cheerful, LOL at things on TV and chatted to our son.Then, suddenly, My AH sobered up for a day, had a shave and put on his sad face and approached me. He gravely said,"I don't know what to say". I just looked at him and said. "Ok well...whatever-perhaps a violin would help" He then got some clothes and pillows and said "I'll get out of your way, you don't need me around, etc and went off like a sad sack. I had this realisation that he was waiting for me to run after him and beg like all those countless other times....."Pleeeese don't go......stay with me baby..." I was desparate to get away from him and God answered my prayer for me. I sent him a SMS this morning and thanked him for going as it was easier on our child and me and asked him not to come back with intentions of living here again. He has to get the rest of his stuff and find accommodation. I feel detached enough to look at this properly. I am calm though tired but I KNOW that I CANNOT live with him anymore. I have been his soft place to fall all this time and I didn't even know it. I had an interview and got a job today!! I want to live without his heavy presence around so I can heal, and my home can be a happy place again. I AM SO RELIEVED! I just have to keep him from coming back until he realises I MEAN IT!! Thankyou all.
Silverbrumby - Good for you for standing firm with him. He obviously felt the change in you and knew that this time it may be for real. And congratulations on your new job!! It sounds like your life is taking a positive turn.
Maybe this change will prompt him to seek the help he needs. Maybe it won't. All you can do at this point is take care of yourself and your son. This transition will certainly be felt by your son, too. Has he found Ala-teen? (Is he old enough?)
May you continue having the strength to do what you need to do and keep taking it one day at a time.
I was delighted for you and I am so grateful that you came back to tell us because I have been praying for you and your A and for a way forward that would be as quiet and nonthreatening as possible.
I really do need KNEE PADS, but welcome the news that prayers have been answered.
Congratulations on your job interview too. Love the little piccy...I can see you now with a wonderful smile on your face. Well done, HeartB
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"The highest form of wisdom is kindness." The Talmund
wow, amazing. I remember how free I felt when I left. It's a rocky road for a while after that but eventually you find peace. I found a restraining order really helpful in getting him to realize that he wasn't coming back or in my case moving in to MY house. Sometimes when they play the game they lose. He thought you were going to do your usual part of the game begging him to stay and ended up losing the game when you decided you weren't playing anymore.
I think for me staying strong was the hardest part. Even still now a year and a half later I still sometimes want him. Then I try to remember ALL that it is I will be getting.
AWESOME! god, I am so happy for you!!!! Don't you just love that feeling?!! It really made me feel like being in love, I have to say: with ME and my new HOME/WORLD!! NICE WORK, enjoy the fruits of all your efforts! Hugs, J.
I begged the A to come back so many times. He played the abandonment card really hard. In tne end I got sick of it. I got sick of being last on the list. I got sick of the worry, I got sick of the roller coaster ride. I got sick of giving till I had nothing left to give.
I do applaud your courage. It takes tremendous courage to stop the roller coaster.
That is all very positive, and sounds like a real relief for you and your child right now.... good for you.
In one of her GTS books, Toby Rice Drews writes chapters about "it's hard to lose an alcoholic", so I would encourage you to read those if possible (even online). History would suggest that he will be "trying" to come home soon, either by promising the bare minimum of what he thinks it would take for you to allow it, or a number of other ways...
I wish you all the best
T
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"He is either gonna drink, or he won't.... what are YOU gonna do?"
"What you think of me is none of my business"
"If you knew the answer to what you are worrying about, would it REALLY change anything?"
