The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
Hello I'm new to this site and I'm not sure how it works but I need some advise. I'm an adult child. It started with my father and I have very little contact with him currently and this has been the case for a very long time. Not my choice. I would love to have a father. I'm 42 years old and my entire life I have been with addicts. After my divorce I spent 10 long years alone because I was determined not to get invovled with an addict ever again. Almost 7 years ago I got into a relationship with a man who never drinks and never uses drugs but what I found out is he's an addict of a different kind. He's not a user of any kind but he is the same as all the rest of my relationships except his drug of choice is work. I have to say at least this one doesn't have money issues. I guess the only plus. I don't know how to break the cycle. I thought I had made a wise choice but its like I'm a magnet for these types of men? Anyone out there have any advise?
Someone here mentioned a story about someones sponsor telling them that their "picker" was broken (picker being the device we each have inside us that "picks" the people we are attracted to). I feel like my picker is broken and has been for a long long time.
I have also, like THSKS, realized that I am the common denominator in all these series of patterns so the problem lies within ME, not them.
Al-anon is a recovery program where I get to focus on myself and the changes I can make in me. I never thought it was possible for me to change anything about me (like fixing my "picker"). I am learning that yes, I can make some small changes and I am working on doing that ONE DAY at a time. Is it possible that some day I can make a big change in me? I do not know but I am working on very very small things and that is the best I can do for today. That is good enough for me for this day!
I am presently separated from my husband, going on 2 years. I do not know if we will stay married or not. We live 4000 miles apart. We only text message "good night" in the evenings. Aside from this we have no other contact at all.
I do not know if my "picker" will ever get fixed but if there is a chance it can, it will be through working this program. I am coming to accept the fact that I may be better off alone in my life. I am 44 and living alone and I am at peace. Please keep coming back here as often as you can and welcome. Hugs, J.
Your story is a lot like mine, only I'm not an adult child. There is a long line of alcoholics on both sides of the family.
I married an active addict/alcoholic, and after 5 years, I broke away from that in order to seek recovery from my own alcoholism/addiction.
I was very blessed as I have a sponsor who qualifies for both AA and Alanon, and I was often told I needed to look at my codependency issues, but I ignored that wise advice for many years.
I went from one bad relationship to another. None were active alcoholics, but each and every one of them was emotionally abusive.
We no longer have Alanon in our small town, but I would strongly encourage you to regularly attend Alanon or CODA if either of those are available where you live.
I also recommend the series of books by Melody Beattie, and there's another one that really hit me hard called 'Women Who Love Too Much'.
For the longest time I wondered why I ended up in such a mess with relationships, and it was painful for me to finally realize the common denominator in all of them was me, and that was where the problem was.
It has been such a freeing experience for me to work on my codependency issues, and come to recognize who I am and to love myself.
-- Edited by Tenderheartsks at 14:18, 2008-02-03
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"If a dog will not come to you after having looked you in the face, you should go home and examine your conscience." - Woodrow Wilson
Jena, I am also an adult child. I have also been involved on and off for years with an A; and I was in a marriage that did not involve alcoholism, but did involve picking the wrong person for me (control issues, emotionally detached issues). Yes, I am the common denominator in all of my failed relationships. My "picker" is broken (as Jean mentioned). It is very broken and I have serious doubts that I can get it fixed. When I think I'm doing fine, and a man with "issues" comes along, BOOM, I'm attracted! So wrong. I'm 45 and wonder if I could let another person in. Trust and all that goes with it is so hard for me. I'm alone and have long since made peace with my "alone-ness". My home is my sanctuary. A place where I can come and block out the negativity and ugliness of the world. I don't want someone to come in here and spoil that for me. I certainly would love the chance to find a wonderful person to share the rest of my life with, but I fear that if I put myself out there (yet again!) that I would make a poor choice (yet again!). I am working on it. But like everything else....it just takes time.
We who grew up with alcoholism in our homes, know what it's like to live in with someone who is emotionally unavailable. We spend our time desperately trying to get them to love us and/or desperately trying to "fix" them. This is how we live. And it has crossed over to our adult lives. I find this a particularly hard thing to overcome. But I'm chipping away at it by taking care of myself, and working the al-anon program which teaches me new ways of living.
Hang in there, Jena. You've found the right place here.
For me, I have realized that before I am healthy enough for a relationship, I must value, care for, and take care of myself. I have also come to the point where I do not fear being abandoned by anyone because I will never abandon myself. If I neglect myself physically and mentally, then I will find a person who does the same thing to themselves attractive instead of unhealthy. It was NEVER about them. It was about ME.
You have no idea what your words have meant to me. I really thought that NOBODY could possibly understand how I was feeling. Just to know that there is someone else who understands is huge for me. I'm planning to attend a meeting tonight at 7PM. I hope I have the courage to actaully take the step and go. I also will take your advise and check out the readings you shared. I wanted to ask how you deal with your emotions. They seem to control me and every part of my life and no matter what I can't seem to stop that. Will these meetings help with that?
Yes the meetings will help. Please try out several different ones. We recomend a half dozen different ones before you make up your mind. I have found some clusters of people that I can relate to or help me more than others. It took going to meetings with people that lived with active alcoholics for me to learn how to live with active alcoholism. Later My relationship difficulties became apparent by hanging out at meeting with a goodly number of people having relationships with sober alcoholics. Several years after I became aware of the diversity of reactions I've had to alcoholism I found a group of people that either raised kids that became alcoholics or or people that as kids grew up with alcoholism. Here I found many solutions to the problems I had come to see in the other meetings. Some meetings I was more comfortable with the format. Some meetings I like because more than a couple guys like myself show up. I like to read, so the meeting with a good selection of literature to buy attract me too. They almost all have something I like or need.
