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I am not sure but I am more angry with myself for not being able to move on and do anything. I fight so hard against feeling crazy and sometimes it almost feels easier to just ride the slide into the darkness. I don't have much fight left in me anymore and a lot of my problem is me probably.
Everything about my ah is irritating and I try to focus on me but I am so easily distracted. I'll give you a couple examples but it is constant and I can't seem to find anything endearing or at least helpful to why I care about him enough to put up with all the stuff of this disease. He actually goes with me to be greeters for church but then pulls out some hand sanitizer in church after - I am embarassed, feel rude and it makes me sneeze a bunch of times. He gets it out again after we have greeted those around us during show a sign of peace - he is more & more obsessed about germs and it drives me nuts.
I've completely lost my desire to cook meals as he either never showed up for 10 years, then when he did, he was so critical, always brings other things out for us to eat up left overs, scrunches up his nose, makes fun and actually told me he doesn't like my cooking and gave me a list of what he wanted me to cook, I've cooked specific things for him and he has it later as left over and goes out with business associates. I'd rather eat a sandwich in a different room than eat with him.
I could go on as everything he does is iritating me lately. The out of character behaviour when he's drunk included too. I start to function and then I am interrupted by some behavior or distraction and I can't get back into being functional which feeds the depression and then the feeling that crazy is taking over. Why is this happening and how can I ever feel better
I go to meetings, I read, I have a sponcer but this is a constant struggle for me I keep trying to move forward but feel like I am against a barricade in all directions
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"Choices are the hinges of destiny." Pythagoras You can't change the past, but you can change the future.
Some authors in codependence literature say that sometimes when stuff is up the most it is there to be dealt with. I know when I am really irritated it is a sure sign I need to detach. Often for me its a sign of how little I am taking care of myself. Like many many codependents I am really strugglng with that. I tend to gravitate towards "difficult" people. I have no idea how to set up healthy networks for myself. I knew how to handle the A even when he was at his worst. Ask me to speak to a stranger and I hesitate.
When someone's behavior irritates me, I kindly tell them that is bothers me and ask for it not to be done in front of me. If they refuse, then I leave whenever the behavior starts.
My A father would tell me constantly how I was not doing something right. I learned to say, "You may be right. What do you think I should do about it?" The ball stopped being thrown at me because I no longer caught it. I learned this technique from a man in AA. I thought it was an Alanon meeting.
For me some of the issue is tha when I find msyelf irritated I dont' necessairly know to remove myself from the situation somehow. How can I take care of myself I have to keep coming back to that one.
"I am not sure but I am more angry with myself for not being able to move on and do anything. I fight so hard against feeling crazy and sometimes it almost feels easier to just ride the slide into the darkness. I don't have much fight left in me anymore and a lot of my problem is me probably."
I certainly remember those days and they were many. Not that I recommend this but I will share my experience with this statement you made. About 3 years ago I was feeling very much like this even after several years in program. Ultimately I checked out of life so to speak. The body was working on auto-pilot but the mind & spirit were in the abyss. I spent several months like that. I found out after the fact through program and counseling that it was not a depression as I had thought - but a form of post traumatic stress. It was my bodies way to save myself. I believe it was a gift from my HP because he knew I could no longer deal with the life I was living. He helped me to surrender - which I did whole-heartedly. After 4 months of auto-pilot my HP put the people I needed in my life to help me battle back and gain serenity through this program. He gave me the ability to take a step back and lick my wounds then when he felt I was strong enough he helped me find the real me. For me this was the most powerful spiritual time in my life. As I fought back things started to change both with me and with my husband who was active then. As I got stronger and started living for me - things actually got worse for me and my husband but I was strong enough to deal with them and not to take them personally anymore. But something started to change with him as well - he knew that I was stronger and he wanted what I had. Today I am happy to say that he has 1 1/2 years of recovery. Now that does not mean that he cant or wont pick up tomorrow. But I know one thing is that my HP will help me through it.
I know it is so frustrating and emotional. Believe me though - you will get through it for yourself if you keep coming to meetings and reaching out.
Karen
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Nobody cares how much you know until they know how much you care. Love you all!
Karen
Every little thing drove me right up the wall. I also stopped cooking and felt no desire to eat with him. I no longer wanted to share a bed with him. we have been separated for almost two years and it is still bugging me JUST TO THINK ABOUT IT!!!!
Here is the deal: this is my disease: Point Blank. At this point, our ONLY point of contact is a text message at night when he goes to bed: he texts me: Good Night Jean. Now, it used to be Good Night Jean or Good Night Love. I have recently found my self feeling rejected and sad because he no longer texts: Good Night Love. THIS IS CRAZY AND THIS IS MY PROBLEM. not his. I am grateful that he texts me every night, it is very sweet and when I am able to, I text back (we are in different time zones, he goes to bed earlier than I do).
My disease picks at this. Picks and picks and picks. Picks some more. I need to literally pick my brain up out of my skull and stick it somewhere else: immerse it into a book, a movie, intense exercise, ipod and headphones out walking, something that completely envelopes me to SNAP OUT OF IT FOR CRYING OUT LOUD!!!!
Its so exhausting. It also informs me how much I need to stick with this program. Please try not to be too hard on yourself, I know this is really painful and difficult. I have no solutions but I am sending you my prayers and best thoughts. Hugs, J.
