The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I know in my case my A seems to think I am inferior to him because I still care about him so much when he illustrates so clearly how little he is able to care for me. I've read other posts where this is talked about. Do you think this is true just for A's or do you think all people see others who unconditionally care about and stand by them as inferior?
I don't know that everyone behaves in a standard fashion. The A I was involved with alternatively idolized me (in the beginning especially) then devalued me. He went in spirts with the emotions. I found either very difficult. We never had a healthy respectful relationship.
I did have unconditional love for him that evaporated. I can't say I love him anymore. I care, certainly but it is a very very removed kind of caring. I found I had to adopt that perspective to survive. Some people do manage to care in a detached way. I did not. I no longer passionately love him in the same way I once did. His behavior almost destroyed me. I know it certainly destroyed my fianances, my health, my peace of mind, my sense of trust, my respect for him and much more. He knows that too. I eventually had to get to a point where I made no question that I had nothing more to give him. And giving was all he was interested in.
I've stopped trying to "understand why" they do/think/feel the way they do. I do wonder however if your A is frustrated with your not letting him go, if you will. Sometimes I've seen people get mean when they are trying to break away.
Just a thought, Maria
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If I am not for me, who will be? If I am only for myself, then who am I? If not now, when?
My counselor, who is very familiar with recovery, told me once that my AH was "broken" and that when he looked at me all he saw was his own "brokeness" being reflected back at him. She said that he probably resented me for that and not for anything thing that I had done or said and that resentment colored how he felt about me. I thought it made some sense....
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Do not be anxious about tomorrow; tomorrow will look after itself. The Bible, from Courage to Change, p.138
This is a very interesting topic - and one that I've struggled with, too. In many ways, I think my A saw his failures when he was with me. In other words, I stood as a reminder to him that he had tried and failed (over and over) to get sober and have a responsible adult/adult relationship with someone - and failed. That he made promises he didn't (couldn't?) keep, that he let me down, that he disappointed me. I stood as a reminder to him of all of that. Not that I drug it up. It was just there.
Did he think I was inferior to him? He's told me things that would indicate that he didn't feel like he could "measure up" or "fit into" my life. At the same time, I think my life would be extremely boring to him. He may even wonder about the worth or sanity of someone who would endure what I have from him and keep coming back for more. I wonder about it, too sometimes. If I had disappointed, lied to, manipulated, and hurt someone that loved me so much, then I had flung them from my life - I would wonder why they would ever want me back. And if they did want me back, I would have to wonder what's wrong with them. I don't think that's unreasonable to think. I'm sure my A is probably scratching his head wondering what my "bottom" is - and when I'm going to hit it. Oh the disease.....
Late posting to this, I had a hard time finding the quote I wanted. But, another member came through - this is what I wanted to show you, it's from "Letter from the Alcoholic" from the CAL pamphlet "Three Views of Alanon":
"Don't believe everything I tell you; it may be a lie. Denial of reality is a symptom of my illness. Moreover, I'm likely to lose respect for those I can fool too easily. Don't let me take advantage of you or exploit you in any way. Love cannot exist for long without the dimension of justice. "
I would let my A walk all over me, thinking that this was a way to show love. All is showed was that I did not need to be treated with respect. I turned myself into a doormat, and then was surprised and resentful when I was walked on.
A common feature of alcoholism is feelings of inferiority. These are masked by putting down other people. This only works, though, if those of us on the other end of it fall for it.
