Hi Alicia, well, first of all, I think its really normal for you to be feeling as you do. You have been through a lot. You are cautious and that is appropriate so please try to accept that how you are feeling right now is pretty common in the scheme of things. You are confused and that is perfectly OK and even predictable after what you have gone through.

Trust needs to be earned. Slowly. You get to decide how slowly or how quickly.

I suggest that you will know if you want to bring that wall down or not at some other time- I would suggest that the time would be determined by God or you Higher Power, not necessarily on your time line or your husband's timeline. Be who you are right now and be what you are feeling right now, its perfectly OK!

I feel very cautious myself. I am due to return to my husband (not living together but to the same part of the country) in a couple of months and I am extremely cautious also. We have been separated for almost 2 years. We plan to see if we want to stay married or get divorced. I have been working my program, living alone, working and attending grad school. I have pretty much no idea what he has been doing, its none of my business and frankly, I have enough to deal with just working on myself.

I am scared and a part of me dreads going back there. Part of me feels defeated about it but I know that all the negativity and dread is normal and its also a part of my disease. Part of me feels like I am taking a million steps back but I am working VERY hard to keep an open mind as this program directs. I visualize a can opener opening myself up to new experiences, new light, new love, new beginnings even if that means an ending is needed. I feel I have changed. I do not know if he has or not. I have no idea what to expect.

I feel like I have one foot in fear and one in the exhiliration of the new frontier! But really the fear is an illusion: I know myself a lot better now. I know I will behave differently and I love myself and value myself a great deal more. I know I am OK. I know that I will be OK regardless- I have so much going for me, its very exciting. I have nothing to lose going back there. I will make it what I choose to make of it. I will make it brilliant!

You also have this choice- take contol: not of him but of yourself. Select some boundaries, use your al-anon tools. You will come to know if you are willing to go through this again or not. It will become clear- I promise you! HP will show you the path: ask HP to show you. It will come precisely when you need to see it and know about it. It could be a few minutes before u step onto it but it will be there in Gods time, not yours. it will be there, have solid faith in that.

In the meantime, go to face to face meetings and keep working on YOU. Keep the focus on you, not your husband. Take your smothered feelings to your home group, to your HP, to your program buddies. Think about what kind of boundaries you need in order to not feel so smothered.

Try to make friends with those demons you talked about. Love those demons, try to accept them for what they are: the protectors of the old you who could not take care of yourself. Now that you have a program and are working your program, you may not need them anymore. That choice is yours. if you decide you do not need them anymore, lovingly release those demons and thank them for all their hard work.

You are going to be OK. So am I. We have a program. hugs, J.

Aloha Alicia!!

I remember that time also...in fact it was several time around just like a merry-go-round.  I loved her just wasn't excited about going thru the pain of the alcoholism part.   She'd get well and that lovely smile would come on her face and she would be excited to show me that she could be a sober wife and the kids that she could be a devoted mother.  Eventually she was the only one that was clueless on how cunning powerful and baffling the disease of alcoholism was and would get swept away.  On one occasion I wanted a sit down conversation before leaving my own appartment and going back home with her.  One of the things that was talked about was the "no promises" subject and then my decision was more from a dare than a solid reality.  She went back out.  I stayed in program for me not her and not we...for me.  She had no more power over alcoholism than the man in the moon or better still myself.

When you get into the rooms of Al-Anon you get to meet and talk with the spouses, friends, relatives and associates of alcoholics both active and in recovery.  It is from the meetings and the conversations that we learn new perspectives on how to live life on life's terms and make decisions as to how we choose to do that in spite of any other person (alcoholic or not).  We get to set up boundaries and conditions for how life goes with us.  Jean's post is full of growth from working this program.

None one in the program should give you advise as to how to live your life.  We we told to decide for ourselves and told to pass that on to others coming into Al-Anon after us.  We share our experience, strength and hope with you and usually make suggestions that lead to patience, listening to more recovering members in the program, getting to face to face meetings (already done by Jean), reading the literature, getting a sponsor and working the steps.  This of course is futuristic.  First things first? find out where and what times the AFG meets in your town and do as many meetings in the next 90 days as you can.
You can ask your alcoholic to put his brakes on for the next 3 months and work with his sponsor while you go after some help.    Watch the reaction!!

Keep coming back here also.   (((((hugs)))))