The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I have been struggling for so long and I still am not sure this is the place for me. My husband is an alcoholic that is true. His father was one, his brothers are alcoholics and so on. His drinking has slowly corroded our marriage. The reason why I don't know if this is the place for me is that there is so much more to our story. I have been married for 15 years. I got married at 19 years old. My husband's drinking problem has increased over the years. I have learned not to count on him. I have been unfaithful several times. I have my own issues that caused this. I am not saying it is his problem but the problem made it easier that much is true. For many years I felt like I needed to leave him because it feels like there is no peace. Weak as I am, I felt like I couldn't do it without someone waiting. Four years ago I realized how messed up this perspective was. I have been faithful since. My husband's drinking has worsened. We both deployed to combat zones. While deployed, he remembered very vividly that he was molested. He came home and received counseling for that. My infidelities are now the topic he is struggling with. Even though they happened that long ago, he feels I am still being unfaithful. He is considering leaving me one minute and tells me how he can't live without me the next. Though the drinking has not caused all of this, I can't help but wonder how much of it is related. Do the alcoholics spouses find themselves more prone to adultery or is this my own twisted coping mechanism. I do love my husband. When he is sober and balanced, there is no one like him. Four years ago I made up my mind that I wanted to stand by him even if it meant waiting for him to come home from the bar every night. Even if it meant, I would constantly have that feeling of dread every day
Welcome to the family. Before wondering so much if this will work for you or not why not give it a try for the next 90 days and if you can find the hot line phone number for the Al-Anon Family Groups in your area. I suggest that you call the number and get the face to face meeting times and places so that you can participate there (listen and learn) for the next 90 days. I suggest that because that was what was suggested to me and what I did that worked. Others have their own successes and will suggest from their own experiences.
I also looked at the differences in my relationship with my alcoholic wife to suggest that I was different. In recovery we look more at the similarities in our shared experiences to see that we fit. If I only took into view my differences I might never had found recovery.
Give yourself time and stick around with an open mind. You will find shared experiences here that will be less than yours, some that will seem exactly the same and others that will make what has happened to you seem like a benign birthday party.
You do have the courage to trust, be open and honest. With those assets you can grow lots. We are not here to get the alcoholic sober, control or manipulate them to live their lives as we would want them to or impose such strict boundaries on our relationships that they don't have room to move or grow and we don't have time to let go our watch and enjoy some of life.
I'd say you are qualified to be here. Listen to what others have to say. We don't judge. LOL we are all far from qualified to do that.
Al-anon is for friends and families of alcoholics. If we had to be perfect spouses to the alchoholics none of us would be here. Myself included. I have done many things I am not proud of in my marriage.
There is serenity in the alanon 12 steps. Even if your husband continues to drink or not. Many of us have found serenity.
Keep coming back. It works, your worth it :)
Mandy
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"We are not punished for our unforgiveness, we are punished by it" Jim Stovall
It's certainly not unusual for spouses of alcoholics to be unfaithful - we are human, in an impossible situation, and we sometimes make bad choices. One thing I think I can say for sure - every single person here has done something that they are ashamed of, in response to the disease in their home.
Why not give the program a good solid try, for a few months, and then see where you stand? You know that waht you are doing now isn't working, so there is not much to be lost in trying something new. Welcome.
