The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
So, don't read this if you won't to be inspired because unfortunately I seem to have back slid and may still be in the slide. I called the A for my birthday and took him out. We went to dinner and to hotel with hot tub. Spent a fortune. We talked about a lot of things and I "fell" in again- saw him as I used to, etc. All the while saying how I was not in love with him just loved him- not sure who I was trying to convince- him or me. Anyway, we had sex for the first time in 3 years. The next evening he went home. I had spent a fortune, but should have had 200 dollars in my purse. Instead I had only 60. I feel certain that he took the rest of the money. However, I want to find any other excuse for it to be gone. I think mainly because I don't want to be mad at him. I don't want to be hurt again. I don't want to go back to thinking of him using me. That maybe the night was a magical creation in my mind and perhaps he was just using me the entire time. I really hate to think that I still allow that to happen and am once again scared at how quickly I fall back in to spending, to using, to believing him again. I mean after ALL that we have gone through how could I possibly think that he loves me the way I love him or that he even loves me with the thought of not using me. It scares me that once again I would throw caution and all good sense to the wind along with alot of my money-potentially causing me a financial mess to unravel- just to "connect" with him one more time. Like I said, I know this confessional sounds pathetic and believe me I am upset with myself and scared too- scared that this addiction- to him and all that goes with him- is something that I might not be able to truly detach from. Maybe the progress I thought I was making was a delusion and I am still as sick as always- just not having the contact to illustrate it- meaning he hasn't been geographically close enough for me to act out. I feel like beating myself up for taking chances like I did- legally, physically, financially, and emotionally. I want to forgive myself and ask forgiveness from my HP. But, how can I do that when I have ask the same thing so many times before and don't know that I won't do it again. Even now, I long just to talk to him- how can that be???!! Anyway, I know this is a depressing post, but I just had to be real with you all and also get it off my chest. That seems selfish of me too- that confessing might make me feel better.... Hope you all are doing better than me...look I am even managing to throw out some self pity...truly that is sarcasm though I don't feel sorry for myself. I feel sorry for my child and my family and the lot of my friends who have to listen to my rambling...ahhhhh!!!
Now why would anyone be dissapointed in You ? your human for Gods sake cut yourself some slack . As for the money missing you know where it went ,just remember that they do what they have to do to get what they need . Disease Disease Disease. Forgive yourself for being human and move on . Louise
Do not be so hard on yourself. When things like this happened to me w/my ex and I felt used afterwards......I turned it around and said - NO! He didn't use ME!!! I used HIM!!! That may not be the best way to think about it but it always made me feel a little bit better. I had a need and I had it taken care of. End of story. Done.
Be kind to yourself. We are here for you. Sincerely, QOD
No one here will throw stones. No one here will judge. How could we? I know I have done exactly what you have done and many, many, many times. I mean many times. I am just now becomming clear on how my ex used me from day one. I was no different than his first wife. He never respected me. He used me, lied to me, stole from me. He was a drug addict from before I met him. I didn't change him. I didn't. And he didn't change. I prayed, I changed. I eventually did let go. Even now, today, with all he did to me, it is still hard. I am still in love with who he said he was. Who I wanted him to be.
I bet this time was different for you. I know how I would get all wrapped up in my fantasies. But you see the reality. Just the fact that you have to question the money missing......is that how you want to live? Don't you want more out of a partner? Maybe you don't? Maybe he is all you want exactly how he is. Not how he might be if he got sober, but how he is today. I personally, do not want to be tied to someone who steals, cheats, lies, rapes, abuses and uses. I want someone who is honest, respectful, loving, and cares about me and my family. My ex will never be that. Doesn't matter is he is in AA till kingdom come. He will never be what I want or need.
When you are ready you will let go. Might not be today, or tomarrow, maybe it will take many time of going back just to see...... But if you keep comming, you will eventually get to a point where you know what you want, that you are worth it and even though you will always love him, you will be ready to let go.
Like the others have said, don't be so hard on yourself. Focus on the good time you had and leave the rest in the past were it is.
And for the record Jean, most men I know would not "do this with a prostitute and not give it a second thought" Most men I know don't use prostitutes for anything. And oh how I wish I was one of those guys who can easily just put "things" behind me.
You say you don't want to be mad, you don't want to be hurt, about the money. You don't have to be. He's an addict - he is what he is and he does what he does. It does not mean anything about you. It probably doesn't even mean much about his feelings for you. It just mean he has a horrible disease that makes him do things to himself and to others (yes, to the people who love him and whom he loves, because they are easier to get at) that are horrrible. It does not mean that you can't love him anyway, while accepting the reality of not being able to trust him.
There is nothing wrong with having soft, gentle and loving feelings toward a person you love.
Wow - that was raw, honest, and close to home. I applaud your honesty, Co. I can't imagine anyone here could shame you for doing what you did. I have a HUGE geographical separation from my A. I thank God for that physical distance. I often say that HP created that physical distance because he knows how weak I am for this man, and that I couldn't do it any other way. I like what Lin said about there being nothing wrong with having soft, gentle and loving feelings toward a person you love. How simple and true. I've known that all along, but have crammed those feelings away because I felt ashamed of them. "How could I love someone who isn't here for me? Who will ALWAYS choose the bottle over me?" I'm realizing there is no shame in loving someone. OK - maybe being with that person isn't the healthiest thing for me in the long run, but it doesn't discount my gentle feelings for this person. I, like you, have been trying to come to terms with the reality that I love a person who can't (because of addiction) love me back in the same way. That hurts. And honestly, I probably would have done the exact same thing you did - given the opportunity. I'm working this program as diligently as I can - but it hasn't been tested in that way.
I think you're doing quite well in that you immediately recognized it for what it was. I don't see "fantasy fulfilled" written in your post. Not at all. All I saw was your desire to connect with someone you love. And you did. And as QOD said, "End of story. Done."
Be gentle with yourself - and keep plugging away at your program.
You can put the hammer down now and stop beating yourself up. What is that quote---"Too err is human. To love is divine"?---sounds like that's what you were doing. Only HP is perfect.
It's not for me to judge you. So no, I am not disappointed in you. After all you're human, you have needs and want. Don't be so hard on yourself. I have slipped so many times in my recovery (at least in my brain I have) that it's a good thing I have lots of padding back there! Part of being in recovery is being able to allow you to be who you are at any given moment. You have to learn to forgive yourself and allow yourself to make mistakes. It's how we learn and grow. You're doing just fine. Love and blessings to you and your family.
Live strong, Karilynn & Pipers Kitty
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It's your life. Take no prisoners. You will have it your way.
Quit beating yourself up. None of us is here to judge you. I for one have done many things that I regret, on this road to recovery. You are human just like the rest of us.
Try not to be so hard on yourself.
Love and Blesings,
Claudia
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A person's a person no matter how small --Dr Suess
I beat myself up too for a long time helping that man, giving him money, buying him boots for work, doing his laundry, letting him shower/use the phone at my house, etc. Then one day we had a night like the night you just described although I was the one who got the money (just thinking about jean's post LOL) and something snapped in me. It just wasn't the same, I couldn't see him the same anymore. He seemed sad and weak and pitiful. He had told me about sleeping with women for a place to stay and I just couldn't respect him anymore, I kept thinking manwhore all night long. I guess whatever it takes is what it takes. You'll either keep doing what you're doing or you'll say hmmm I guess he's just not that into me and I deserve someone who IS. The only one who can change the dynamic is you, but if I remember right I think you're a social worker and you probably know that. If someone came to you with that story what would you tell them? Imagine it's your son/daughter, what would you advise? That helped me to think in those terms because that is the example I am setting for them.
Step Five: Admitted to HP, to ourselves, and to another human being the exact nature of our wrongs.
Hmmmm - sounds a lot like confession, doesn't it? And you know what? You're SUPPOSED to feel better after step 5. So cross "worrying about being selfish for confessing" off the list of things to worry about.
My 42 yr old cousin died this weekend- on my birthday as a matter of fact. I've been so sad and still berating myself for my mistakes and the fear of continuing to make them. Reading these posts came as such a relief to me because I feel like you all gave me permission to forgive myself- even when I was brutally honest. It feels weird to say I love you to people I've never even met- but I love you for accepting and supporting me. This group seems to know me unlike any other people I've ever met. I'm going to print these posts out when I get my computer back and not at work- hate for someone to find this on the printer (ha) and read and reread them. Many Thanks...
I went back and forth with the A for months. I left him in April. I had to leave my dogs with him. I did not hear from him for 2 months (that is about the max he goes) then he called me and said he was homeless and penniless. Needless to say like you I spent a real fortune helping him out I could not simply let go. I understand where you are coming from totally. I hope you can bask in the lack of judgement and demands here. There are none. I will say that I got tired of giving till I dropped and I stoped. I did not stop until I could not do it anymore.
I have to also say the role of rescuer and martyr had some secondary gain for me. I miss that role but I don't miss what went with it. I would feel virtuous and kind and giving and of course I could never give within limits, I gave until I dropped.
Only HP is perfect.
