The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I have not been on for a while and just wanted to give an update. The last time I posted was probably back in November. My husband had a seizure because of an OD of meds (the wrong blend...) and I was lost confused and scared. I pretty much went into what I call "survival mode". It was all I could do to get through my days, I work full time, am a mother to an 18 month old, among other things. Shortly after the seizure, I became very sick with upper respritory, bronchitis, ear infection.....I know it was body's way of saying STOP!! I was off of work for a week, which is unheard of. My daughter ended up sick, and of course my husband too. Then, here comes the holidays..... more like holi-daze. We managed to pull up our boot straps put things behind us and enjoy our holiday (it was my best Christmas in a long time). Through all of this, I was reading daily in my Al-Anon books. Unfortunately, I still have not reached out to f2f meetings. The last week of December my husband became ill (not sure from what, could have been in his head, may have been medication, not sure). I spent my last week of my break (I am a teacher) worrying endlessly about him because I had allowed myself to be consumed with how GREAT THINGS COULD BE. So, I let down my guard and I was slammed back into that codependent position. I could probably win codependent of the year (I know many of you would be right there with me . So I rang in the New Year with my friends. I was not about to sit at home while he moped and was miserable. I thought this was a step in the right direction. Shortly after that, and several mini mental break downs as I like to call them, I realized that I needed some help. I reached out to his mom. She helps a lot THANK GOD for that! Most women can't say that about their mother in laws... She is still in a little denial, but offered to help watch my daughter so I could see a psychologist. She was tired of seeing me cry! I am still only at the beginning of my recovery as I feel like I have been teetering here for a long time. I do feel though that my recovery will come at its own pace. I am working to find my independence, the things that make me happy, taking time for myself, and so on. I choose to focus less on my husband and his issues and more on ways that I can mend myself. We are having some good conversations, as well as some heated ones. I am not keeping it all in though and lashing out as I used to (sometimes I can't help it though, I'll be honest!) I ended up sick again in January for two weeks with sinus infection. I see that I am in need of taking better care of myself and every day I seem to be doing that.
I am living the slogan take one day at a time and am not making any rash decisions. Right now we are going through the loss of our dearly loved Great Dane who has cancer. We are being faced with the decision of having to put her down. It is heart wrenching as I am sure many of you pet lovers know. No matter how strong your faith, it is still terrible to have to leave another being.....
Wish me luck with this huge decision and prayers and good thoughts are much appreciated in making the transition smooth for my dog (who at many times has been my life line, especially before I had my daughter to focus on). We have had lots of snuggle time, thousands of walks, and she's awfully good at drying the tears!
Thanks for letting me get this all off of my chest. Even though you all may not know it, your posts have helped me to have the strength to get through. And yes, I know what you are all going to say, go to f2f. I can almost read your words now. I have to say as my life calms down a bit, it is my plan to go. It is hard to be away from my daughter since I am away at work so much already, but I am seeing through my therapist appointments that it helps me to be a better mother and person all around. I already know the times and locations....
Yours in recovery,
Looking for Peace (although I should change it to Finding Peace.....)
Boy o boy, do I know what you feel like having had four viral infections, and sinus trouble and being left with VERTIGO at present, all in the space of the last 5 months. Christmas was a right off for me too. And it is hard to cope with the emotional and psychological effects of dealing with the alcoholism and the disease it carries with it for all the family, as well as everything else.
But, this is not about me, it is about you. You have an 18month old baby and teach full time(?) as well as coping with an A and have been physically not well. It is no wonder you are sick and finding it a struggle, physically, mentally and emotionally.
I am so glad to hear that you have a caring and helpful mother-in-law. How she is coping with or denying her son's alcoholism is her concern and not yours, but it is good that you BOTH seem to be aware of each other's situations and you have that support from her. However, I would urge you not to take on her denial albeit a little or a lot.
Good to know you are getting help, therapy takes time, can be exhausting and draining but with correct direction, careful application and honesty from you - you only get out of it what you put in to it - then be gentle with yourself as you progress.
Sad to hear about your wonderful Great Dane, maybe you might be able to think of her going as making more room for your beautiful little daughter to grow into, and who knows in time you may decide to adopt another into your family.
I cannot get to f2f meetings, none available, but I am sure that if they were I would be there, there is nothing like, as one member of our family here has said, REAL HUGS! In the meantime, I am sending you a cyber (((((((hug)))))).
HeartB
__________________
"The highest form of wisdom is kindness." The Talmund
. So I rang in the New Year with my friends. I was not about to sit at home while he moped and was miserable. I thought this was a step in the right direction. Shortly after that, and several mini mental break downs as I like to call them, I realized that I needed some help. I reached out to his mom. She helps a lot THANK GOD for that! Most women can't say that about their mother in laws... She is still in a little denial, but offered to help watch my daughter so I could see a psychologist. She was tired of seeing me cry! I am still only at the beginning of my recovery as I feel like I have been teetering here for a long time. I do feel though that my recovery will come at its own pace. I am working to find my independence, the things that make me happy, taking time for myself, and so on. I choose to focus less on my husband and his issues and more on ways that I can mend myself. We are having some good conversations, as well as some heated ones. I am not keeping it all in though and lashing out as I used to (sometimes I can't help it though, I'll be honest!) I ended up sick again in January for two weeks with sinus infection. I see that I am in need of taking better care of myself and every day I seem to be doing that.
We are being faced with the decision of having to put her down. It is heart wrenching as I am sure many of you pet lovers know. No matter how strong your faith, it is still terrible to have to leave another being.....