The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I wonder about this at times. I have felt that sometimes maybe I am too positive, too upbeat, seeing the glass WAY too full. Mostly because I was raised by the most negative woman on the planet. So, my optimism, my idea that there really is a silver lining was always laughed at and put down and I was made to feel very, very stupid for looking on the bright side. Therefore I do have a wicked sense of sarcasm that I have been trying to let go of.
But then I heard the term Un-critical optimism such as pollyanna had. I think my optimism is critical. I know I am not blind to bad situations. I don't try to turn the facts around to make things seem happy. I still doubt that I will ever be able to see the good side of the death of a child and the entire situation that surrounds it. I have recognised in the past few days that my daughter and Gracie were more than just friends. Even more than best friends. They must have been soul mates of a sort. Their friendship was so intense. It was almost as if they spoke a language all their own and they didn't care if anyone else understood. They were just happy with each other. I was getting very sad with this realization. My daughter lost a soul mate.
I hope that because she had the experience of having a love like that so early in her life, that might mean she will be open to many more in her life. I hope that she will remember how wonderful it felt to have that kind of friendship and will be blessed to have it again someday.
Because I have been living thru the hell of this divorce and these losses, I believe that I have become so much more grateful for the things I do have. I don't see the good in everyone. I know that there are some out there that are not good. I have seen evil in this world. But even though I didn't feel it or see it at the time, everytime I took a leap of faith, I was caught. I hope I get to the point where I leap and fly. But for now I will settle for being caught.
I have to go to court tomarrow and face the ex with the charges I stated in the RO. I don't know how this is going to go, I am scared. I don't know who will show up with him. I don't even know if my idiot lawyer is going to show. I am going alone. And did I mention I am scared? I know he can't do anything to me there, but he is unstable and I have no idea what to expect from him anymore (as if I ever did). I don't even know what the outcome of this is supposed to be (idiot lawyer). I would like the No Contact Restraining Order continued for ever and ever. It is as close as I can get to him "dropping off the face of the earth". Tomarrow, I leap. Alone. But not really alone. And I know that whatever the outcome I can make it work (with alot of tears, and whining and fear and support from y'all). I have come this far.... just a bit farther and maybe I will begin to feel safe, whole, healed.
Al-anon certainly could be misconstrued as being a pollyanna program. In some ways it sort of is. I do not have a problem with this. The truth is, my life was a total hell before al-anon. I grew up with flipped out, negative, sarcastic, alcoholic people who were completely narcissistic. I need pollyanna in order to balance some of that. Its not all or nothing, its a balance and that is where serenity lies, for me.
I was born optimistic, I know this. I think we all are. We become cynical and dark through our lives. its a battle some days. But I like having the range that I have. it makes me compassionate for so many people and situations. i have been stretched to know so much pain but also so much joy. its been a wonderful life. i truly have no regrets at all.
I love this program and the people I know in it. I can take what I need and leave the rest- part of the program and some of the people who just do not jive with me and what I am. Its all OK. there is no rigidity here- I know what I need to do and what I have to do- I have my own path and my own timeline. Its not going to be like anyone's. This is beautiful. There is a whole scope to this program, even the individual meetings are sometimes so unique and so different! Its a wonder and I love it. J.
Please know that you are not alone in the court room. You have many, many supporters here at MIP and Alanon. Myself included. Others have given me their HP when I have needed help so I am giving you my HP for anything you need.
I think my optimism might be a mask for my insides of fear and wanting to hope or believe for the best but I was caught or put down or I ended up not acknowledging another's pain by misplaced optimism. We do hope for the good and the balance shifts back and forth like a pendulum as we live our actual reality.
I too hope someday you will leap and fly but being caught is ok too. Which brings me to a time I went to court alone and wish I had someone there to just be there with me - a hug, a second set of ears to listen, drive etc. I am not sure if you mean alone actually or in spirit. Perhaps someone from your f2f meetings could be with you or a friend - if you mean alone in spirit, then I too join all the others of your MIP family, to be there with you for support and hugs. uh, I don't think I should drive you in spirit as that could be a little shakey - "are we there yet? - where??" (just hoping to make you smile a little as humor defuses stress, did you smile?)
hugs, ddub
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"Choices are the hinges of destiny." Pythagoras You can't change the past, but you can change the future.
(just hoping to make you smile a little as humor defuses stress, did you smile?)