The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I see it stated time and time again..."What others think of me is none of my business." I don't have to care what others think of me, but it IS my business, and here's why: If I don't know what others think, don't listen to what others think, and otherwise consider it "none of my business," how can I begin to learn where I am possibly going wrong? Me wrong? NEVER!!! LOL!!! But giving some thought to how I might improve myself is a far cry from being a "people pleaser", a "co-dependent" or an "enabler," which I have been told is what I am if I hint that another's take on me is my business. One of the best ways I can think of to discover how to be a better person is to listen to others' opinions of me.
I also consider: Going around living my life as I please, and to hell with how I affect others is, in my opinion, a manifestation of, "What other people think of me is none of my business." Because we are all on this human merry-go-round together causes me to want to be on good terms with others as far as is possible. In order to do this, I must extend the courtesy of considering other's opinions of me.
I do not say that we should become obsessive, but a devil-may-care, frivolous, cavalier, off-hand, "I-don't-care" attitude historically never got anyone much of anything.
Do I care what other people think? Yep, I do. Do I believe their opinion is my business? Yep, I do. I think this is a world in which we better start caring about how our words and actions affect others, and "it's none of my business" just doesn't cut it!
I am willing to listen to any explanations of why my thinking is incorrect.
And please....I am not slamming AlAnon here. I simply do not understand the logic of the statement.
With love to all,
Diva
-- Edited by Diva at 11:51, 2008-01-27
-- Edited by Diva at 15:06, 2008-01-27
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"Speak your truth quietly and clearly..." Desiderata
Ok, this is my thoughts on the "what others think of me is none of my business".....
Firstly I have lived my whole life "worring" about what everyone thought of me, my personality, my looks, my attitude, etc.. And, Yes, It has held me back.
It caused me to become inferior, unsettled, i used to hide from others, close myself away....And now I see, It was all MY own making, my thinking....
But since I have been in Al-anon, this statement has been of use to me many times. When I am at work, I can become, paranoid, thinking others are judging my work. And for a long time that did make me ill. Now today i KNOW my ability to do my job, I give my best, its all I can do...So, when someone has a question against me...I close myself off from comment until I have to stand up and face it.......And I do It in a civil manner..
The slogan works for me.
But on the other side of the coin, I can see where you are coming from. But my opinion on this is....If I am working on my programme, myself, I can see my defects, my flaws and I correct them, and contine to become the best person I can be....
I have had people tell me what to do all my life, questioned my decisions.....Just for today, I am my OWN person......No-one can tell me what to change In me, I must have the courage to face myself, honestly, and to admit when I see things in me i do not like, or are proud of, and Thats when I do my growing up... and thats my programme working for me.
Beautiful sun shiney day here in the neighborhood! I know its a little cool for you, but the sun is out!!!!
You points are as always interesting. You are absolutely right about the fact that, unless we choose to isolate ourselves from the rest of humanity and live in a vacuum we must interact with others. Therefore it is proper, in my opinion, to listen to what others might have to say about me.
It goes right along with what a speaker I heard once said about listening to others criticism about us, and this is something I like to use a lot.
The person told how when someone is giving him some "feedback" about whatever, personality, job performance, etc. he tries to listen to the feedback in a detached manner....not letting the criticism, etc. effect him "emotionally" realizing that it is only the other person's opinion and not necessarily any reality about me except as how they perceive it.
But, once he has been given the information he tucks it away on a special shelf in his brain for examination later when he is alone. At that time he will look at the comments made, examining them for truth. If there is something in there that he can say, yes, I do need to work on that about myself, then he moves that to his "things to do" shelf. If he looks at the comments and sees that they are really not the truth about himself as he sees it, or if it is something that he see's is true but is comfortable with, then he just dumps those comments in the trash can, and lets them leave on the garbage truck.
As always, in my opinion, any Al-anon slogan, principal, idea...can be taken to an extreme and abused. Take detachment for example. Detachment has a dictionary definition..but if I look at the program's principals as a whole...and learn the way of life it is trying to teach me, and not just pick up that detachment tool and start slashing every thing out of my life that bothers me, I am NOT going to end up with what this program is all about.
Take what you like and leave the rest.....that is another great slogan, that hits sorta close to the "what other's think of me" slogan too. One thing I am figuring out though for me at least, that "take what you like" slogan really only applies to the personalities of Al-Anon members. When it comes to the program itself, and in particular those 12 steps, I better order up the full meal deal and not just work a step here and a step there, if I want to achieve the ultimate goal of all this for me. It takes time and it takes working it... but it is worth it, to be able to say I have had a spiritual awakening, as THE result of these steps, and start living my life happy, joyous and free!
Anything taken to extreams is faulty, so therefore to say that what others think of you is 100% none of your business and never care about others feelings would be silly! But to worry about it too much is wasteful of our time. Balance in all things!
I have a happy ongoing story glad, and part of the reason is because of AlAnon. I'd still be mired in the self-pity, sadness, anger, and bewilderment if not for what I have learned from AlAnon literature and the people who make up the AlAnon family. Some day I will relate it to you.
Please do not misconstrue my question for criticism. It is not that. I simply want to understand the position, and thanks to the answers I have received here, I believe I do.
Yes, I prefer to be upbeat in my daily life and thinking, but I always remember that lots of people are hurting deeply, and if it gives them the slightest comfort to share their grief with me and others on this board, I am willing to listen; and hope and pray for the happy ending for them that we all deserve.
Diva
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"Speak your truth quietly and clearly..." Desiderata
I would love for you to relate any success story to me. I am beginning to believe my A has more Adult child of AH problems than just A problems. If he could heal some pain he would not need to drink so much. So many stories I see here seem seem like the ones about his life growing up. the bits and pieces I know- But here is the main point I feel like if he doesn't get help (whatever that may need to be) our stories will be the same stories as the ones I see here and have heard from others at the 2 Al Anon meetings I have attended. Like it is just a matter of time.... I do respect what others are going through and in a way also just want to make sure I'm not unaware of how bad it really or make certain I am not in denial. I want to learn from others. Thank you for talking to me (not to sound self pittyish) but I have no one to discuss this with as my family wouldn't understand and has absolutly no understanding of people with these types of hurts. His family is knee deep in all this and all our friends (his friends) drink as much as he does. (obviously I need a life) my A is actually my best confident in this as he never says it's not a problem or argues- he does not "party down" it's like he just "takes his medicine" all night long. His child abuse issues are more horrible than any movie!! He just drinks and quitely "goes away" almost every night, except when he tries to stop and you can tell he is craving it so much and is quiet and obviously has a bad head ache.
I think, for me, it goes back to "consider the source." Ultimately, if I am playing games with people then I am unwilling to listen to reality about their opinions. See, for me, this is a grey area in recovery. I don't want to know my father's opinions of me. He's too sick to give any honest or worthy feedback; so I utilize the concept of "I'm sorry that you feel that way." Now, in working at Kohl's because there are so many people that hate their lives as they are where they're at no matter what, they're gonna do whatever they can to make other people feel as bad as they do, no matter what, no questions asked. So that's why I don't get involved in the gossip, the politics, whatever. That's where I apply this slogan, "what you think about me is none of my business." The reality is that there are alot of people there with some pretty questionable levels of mental health; there's some people there that don't treat themselves/family/colleagues with much respect. I think also alot of it has to do with the reality that it's a minimum wage job with out an expectation of specialization; any of us can be fired and replaced easily. I think lastly this has to be applied to the fact that there are people within meetings that aren't going to want to see me there; aren't going to want me to be there; that, at the end of the day, no matter what I try to do, to be a friend, to be nice, they just don't want me there. I can't figure it out. There are people on this board that just reek of malice and hate and have ripped me up and down in front of every1 and their sister on here and that really really hurts. I don't know what's going on, I don't know what I did, but they won't tell me how I hurt them, they'll just act like somehow I should know how to act and how to be a person and in the mean time they'll call me names, say horrible things and so on and so forth. And it really really hurts. So I have to...well, grow a thicker skin and hope for the best that it's gonna be okay and that it's not about me. That what they think about me isn't any of my business.
You just renewed my faith in this forum <sigh>. Some days I struggle with scraping this whole forum versus "keep coming back" as our program suggests.
I think you so eloquently explained what I call "balance" in this program, and I happen to concur with your "balanced" approach on this matter as well as many others.
One of the distressing things I find in Alanon is the "rigidity" with which people approach not only Alanon but their everyday lives. Rules, regulations, principles are a necessary part of a civilized society but dear God there is no benefit to ruling with an iron fist but "the rule says so."
Each principle, tradition, practice needs to evaluated based on its content and application to these valuable "tools" of this program and recovery.
Thank you for continuing to keep an open mind on this forum.
With love right back at cha Girl, Maria
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If I am not for me, who will be? If I am only for myself, then who am I? If not now, when?
I have people in my life whom I love, adore and most importantly respect. What they think of me is definitely my business. If one of these people mentions something to me that they think may be off or wrong then I will examine it.
I love people. I love to interact, have discussions, disagreements (albeit friendly ones ) and still be okay with folks.
There are times however, when this slogan is helpful for me. If there are people in my life who really don't have my best interests at heart or whose only goal is to criticize then I really don't care what they think of me.
If some one is drunk then I REALLY don't give a damn.
Otherwise, I can examine opinions and advice and decide for myself if it is true for me.
Years ago this would not have been possible. In my experience when I was in a place where I took everyones words to heart I should have had the what anyone thinks of me is none of my business slogan.
Love ya Diva, You always make me think
lilms
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Two things: 1. Recovery is a process, not an event.....and.... 2. You only get to go around once. Leave em laughing and make it worth your while
Well hello again Diva , I personally love this statement . All I have to do in any relationship is be respectful , people don't always like the way I handle things but thats okay to day I do what feels right for me . Polite and respectful work . Thats my take on , the statement that other peoples opinion of me is none of my business .
To me the slogan is a reminder that there is a difference between taking into account what others think of me (which I agree, can be an indicator of when I am off-base) and that feeling of needing to know everything that is going on and making sure that everyone likes me and what I do (behavior that is probably related to that damn control issue that I seem to have).
The slogan reminders me that I do not have to try to make everyone like me nor do I have to spend my time obsessing over why some random person does not--behavior that was certainly pre-Alanon.
Pre-Anon, I thought that everything was my business, whether it was any of my business or not. I think that subconsciously I believed that if I knew "everything," that I could make sure the "everything" would be ok. Reality is that I do not have that power and I never did.
So, I try to relax, keep my nose out of things that are "none of my business" and deal with my life as it comes. This is a much more "serene" way of living and I love it!!
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Do not be anxious about tomorrow; tomorrow will look after itself. The Bible, from Courage to Change, p.138
Thank you Diva for having a brain; thanks to everyone else for the great responses. this is a great string, really useful and helpful.
I have reached a point where the person I thought was the most important person to me, now is not. I used to care a lot about what he thought of me. But he was unable to exhibit or express any positive feelings, actions, etc. towards me, only negative ones.
So, in order to protect myself from the disease, I needed to stop caring what he thought of me because all that came out of him was the disease in words and in deeds, 24/7.
I now do not ask his opinion on anything. I do not ask for advice (not that I ever did, he would just voluntarily tell me what he thought!). we rarely speak to each other. I remain positive and optimistic. He growls and is sarcastic. That is his choice. Mine is to remain positive and spend most of my time with others who are also positive. Most people think I am OK just as I am- its only the AH who thinks I am super messed up. I know the truth is somewhere in between. I know its never all bad or all good. I have certain people who I trust and i speak with them about my shortcomings. I know I have some. Plenty of them. But I am not going to ask my AH about any of that because his diseased perspectives and opinions are as clear as day and have been for quite some time. he only knows one tune so what he thinks of me is none of my business. J.
To me it is liberating to not worry about what others think of me at every turn. Especially this applies to those who want to control me , to approve or disapprove of what I believe or do. I find it really helpful to remember this saying when my family gets overbearingly judgmental. I just want to be me, and I'm fairly happy with me most of the time now, because I can relax and judge myself by alanon principles. Yes, this is freeing.
Part of Alanon, in my experience is looking inside outselves. We have been so into the A, not paying attention to us.
My thought on this is, it depends on the situation.
I also played reversies....Does anyone have the right to know what "I" think of them? What I think about another is only my feeling, or my summing things up. Does not mean I am right. I would say I feel uncomfortable telling you what I think of you.
Looking at it as I have the right to know what you think of me, seems arrogant. We cannot control what others think of us.
I cannot say I don't care, but yet I really don't. I cannot control it so why be concerned about it?
If it were my future mate, then I would care very much.
No one has the "right" to know what I think about anything.
Playing reversies again.
For me caring what everyone, and anyone thought of me, I was very insecure. For me, in my experience, the only one I really care about how they think of me is the creator, and his son. Next it is me, how I think of me. If I am being the best person I know how to be, and I feel someone does not like me, or seems to avoid me,then I think,"I cannot please everyone."
Have become pretty secure in my old age. The only time I get feeling I am worthless is when I am sick.The depression episodes also bring that.
So I guess for me, no, I do not believe I have the "right" to know what another thinks of me.
Becuz I do not feel anyone has a right to how I feel inside, unless I choose to share it.
This is a great topic Diva. Thank you. I used to care what others thought of me and if they had a negative thought I would feel crushed. I grew up with an alcoholic, so no matter what I did it was never good enough. This was deep in my core and so I always sought approval. This can also fall in the category of someone else taking my inventory when they do not have that right. I really believe this slogan is to counter attack the low self-esteem that occurs living with alcoholism.
I think for me it comes down to this: "To thine ownself be true." If this means going a different path because other people think I should go the other way, then so be it. Like others, I have to do what is best for me. I am willing and open to other suggestions. But when people become hostile towards me or judge me because they don't understand or just feel like being cruel, that's when I have to use this slogan. I agree with being kind and respectful, because that's the way I was brought up. When others don't do the same in kind, that's when I use this. As always thanks for starting a great topic. Much love and blessings to you and your family.
Live strong, Karilynn & Pipers Kitty
-- Edited by Karilynn at 08:14, 2008-01-29
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It's your life. Take no prisoners. You will have it your way.
I thank all of you for your well-thought-out replies. Good of you to take the time to voice your opinions.
Yes, indeed, it goes without saying that if a person is maligning another, then no heed should be taken to the gossip; neither by me nor by the victim. My mind does not wrap around those who would be cruel, and I was thinking only of those whose opinions might be of some benefit to me, i.e. constructive criticism that would be useful in expanding the good of my spirit.
I am in total agreement that those who speak ill of me or others have no value in my life, thus no standing. I do not care about them, nor do I value their opinions. In this case you could say their opinions are "none of my business."
So, again, thank you. All you good people have a pleasant, serene, and happy day.
Diva
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"Speak your truth quietly and clearly..." Desiderata
I LOVE PHILOSOPHICAL DEBATES, and thank you greatly for this one, for it has dragged me out of my pool of despond this instant.
I was delighted to read Karilyn's response and have to agree, for The Bard was a wise old Bard! What would we English do without Shakespeare and Hamlet?
"TO THINE OWN SELF BE TRUE"..that is my life motto...and I keep that right at the top of my quotes when it comes to listening/taking on board what other's think of me; and especially more so when I am contemplating whether or not to reject what other's think of me.
If it is negative and/or destructive, as opposed to positive and/or constructive I believe that rejection is the right process and would by default become "none of my business"; therefore this leaves me in agreement with you too.
All boils down to standing up and being counted, or being in the minority, or daring to be different, or even daring to QUESTION and what'smore THINK.
I THINK, THEREFORE I AM, being TO THINE OWN SELF [BE] TRUE.
((((((((((hugs))))))))))))))) HeartB
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"The highest form of wisdom is kindness." The Talmund
I totally in agreement with your lead. Now that I don't worry about what others think of me I have lots of time to take care of myself. I cannot read thoughts (although I have been accused of otherwise) soooo I don't try. When another person starts a conversation with "I think" and I am interested in their subject, I will if allowed ask them, "Okay that's what you think, what is it that you believe." Then were off to some reality most of the time. Sometimes when they tell me "I think..." I might respond, "Could you be wrong?" Recovery is sure fun at times don't you thin....suppose? LOL
What others think of me is my business as long as it it constructive and not destructive. I certainly don't go around saying "you have to accept me even if I'm a jerk". I keep my side of the street as clean as I can and know that it is not my job to provide happiness to others. If I am being true to me and working my program then what others think of me is only my business as a guide for self growth. If they don't like me because of who I am or what sort of life I have led, then it is none of my business. Just as it is none of my business if they don't like a good friend of mine for similar reasons. I always try to look at it from the outside. At the end of the day, what I think of me is what matters, and if I know I am doing right over being right and working it for good and not using it, then I sleep very well, indeed.
