The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I have to take responsibility for me, I use my A not being perfect as an excuse to not be all I can be in my life. He suffers from drinking way too much, can't trust or live his life 100% with me (meaning see me as his 1st person) as his partner because he saw the opposite growing up. I only saw the "perfect" Ward and June type life-so it's taken 4 years to understand we are living by different programming- I want to find a way to be all I can be, responsible etc. and not feel let down just because his programing is so different from mine.
I want to make this square peg fit in a round hole- but I don't want to waste 4 more years only to find out I should have just given up and moved on.
I see so much good in him as a person, my heart deeply feels like he is very very valuable-but is this real good stuff or some kind of codependency. I think of him and his life as a child and it's like someone took this perfect wonderful creature and abused him so badly that he is hiding in a box now.
Is it really true that he is an amazing individual with really bad programming- it's hard to say because one of his issues - the biggest issue- is not being open about his feelings, really knowing what he thinks and feels and wanting to share it. He seems so different from the other A's I hear about- as far as I know he has never cheated, doesn't believe in going out to bars etc. without eachother and seems very caring- but he never admits a wrong, never opens up about a fear- never want's to talk about "deep" things.. even hides his good sides-- Like he is hiding his life behind his back and when I say "hey what are you hiding" he gets very very defensive- however I have never really seen anything bad- he's just so secretive. Anyone relate?
Im being "real" here....An Alcoholic is an Alcoholic, they all have the same "disease"...So, they can all act, differently, there is no mould that says they need to be identical....Being "Deep" is a trade....
Emotions are numb with Alcohol, The don't feel like we do. They can't open up and express like we can. It's only when they get into recovery and the alcohol is removed they can Start to heal and open up. But not every Alcoholic can do this...
No they are not bad people, they are affected by the disease...They have lived a live all one way traffic.. Now they have different paths to chose from.
I would "suggest" you just keep working on your programme, keep your eye's off the Alcoholic.... And I can say this knowing I done nothing but "Obsess" over one....
Today he has his programme, he is still very Deep, emotionless, and cannot express feelings....
"Changing the things we can, Accepting the things we can't"
I think that everyone, as human beings, is somewhat different in their approach to life. Alcoholics do share many similarities - things that keep them in their disease. My A (exBF) is not an abusive person, not a yeller, curser, hitter. He is deep and lives in his head most of the time. He is hard to pull out of his shell. He is uncomfortable with displays of emotion. He is non-confrontational. Like many A's, he is sensitive, a loner, narcissistic, he lives in denial, he minimizes problems, he has anxiety and depression, low self esteem, but he's also very grandiose.
Like you, I fight those feelings that he was (is) a wonderful creature whose life beat him down so badly that he now lives in a box. Yes, he had a hard time growing up - but I think he was priveleged more than most. He had other obstacles to overcome. But we all do. He's a grown man now, and responsible for his own life. I can't fix him, or love his disease away from him. He's got to battle those demons on his own and work his own program. Many have gone before him - lots with more hurdles to conquer than he does, and they have been successful. We need to allow our A's the dignity to be adults.
We've got our own disease to deal with - and our own program to help us. Detaching from the A (with love) is crucial to our success. You're in the right place, glad. You've found a very supportive sounding board with lots of experience, strength, and hope being shared.
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