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Hello everyone, I'm having some confusion about working the program, anger, best way for me to deal with it. I've read the previous post on anger, and I have to admit I am pretty angry with my ah (we are seperated for the last 6 months) for all my family has gone through. But I do not like to live like this, eaten up with anger. So I am working on acceptance of the alcoholic disease. It seems to me when anger is expressed in a meeting, the reaction is to move past it, keep coming back.....It does feel better to get angry at the disease only, not the human beings who are afflicted by it. But this is my question....isn't it a perfectly normal response to be angry at someone who has lied, cheated, stolen.....and this is what gets me the most......always put alcohol first in his life, before his family, marriage? This is where my confusion comes in, I think that I have a normal human response, and that anyone who goes through this would. But I feel guilty for having this response because I am supposed to be a better person, only hate the disease, and work on myself. When I express my anger with my ah, usually his response is that that never happened.......either he has started having blackouts, or lives in denial, or just tells me what he thinks i want to hear. So the anger isn't validated, I begin to doubt myself as to if what I saw is what I saw, or am I overreacting. Its almost like the anger gets turned around back at me, when I didn't do the action. Which again makes me angry at myself and my ah for trying to put it back on me. So what do you do with all this anger when it crops up? When I push it back to far, and get busy to get my mind off of it, it comes back, like last nights nightmare....so this tells me that I have more to deal with. So I keep on attending an alanon meeting everyday, working on myself, and trying to deal with the fact that alcoholism still infuriates me. Have any of you been through this.....please tell me it gets better.....anger is no way to have a serene life.
I can Identify with your post, and you might not want to hear this but "Alcoholism" is a disease, And the most "important" thing to the Alcoholic is thier Alcohol.... No one whatsoever can come first in their lives. Parents, partner, children...No-one matters to them. And that is the sad effects of the disease. Anger is a huge part of this illness of "ours", we cannot control anyone, or any situation, and we get angry. And Yes, It is a normal reaction, you are human. It's when we let that anger rule us, that we suffer.
In my experience I had lived with anger all my life. All aimed at the drinker in my family. After being in this fellowship for two years, I have finally let go of the Anger, the resentments I had.. But in your situation you are still living with the active A, so, it will be a daily occurance for you...
Someone from AA told me I cannot have an "emotion and a reaction" in the same sentance.... I either feel the emotion, or I react. We try to do both and thats why we get in a state....
One of the most helpful slogans I use in my life today is
"HOW IMPORTANT IS IT"....
When I say that I think, before I react, and most times now I DONT... The Alcoholic are "selfish" "inconsiderate" and that gets us Angry...
I can only "suggest" you keep coming back, to meetings, the board, also the chatroom, reason things out with friends. And where possible, remove yourself from Him, go for a walk, a bath, go make a cup of tea... Anything to stop you reacting to him....
In time you WILL cope with this, and hopefully live WITH it, and become your own person, putting your life first....
Hope this helps you for now. Keep coming back, we are all here to "love and support you"
I find that if I kept asking the alcoholic source to validate my anger (or any other emotion I have), that I would always be disappointed. The disease is powerful (and cunning and let's not forget BAFFLING!!). A counselor once told me years ago that if I ask insanity why it's insane, I'm going to get an insane answer. And buying into whatever answer it gives me makes me insane! Forget what AH admits or denies or throws back onto you. It's all disease right now.
YES, of course any of us would be angry for being lied to, stolen from, cheated on, etc. But that anger then becomes our own issue. What are we going to do with it? How are we going to process it and go on about our lives? Asking the A to somehow apologize or "make it better" is just futile. Remember - they live in denial. And I completely understand the anger at how they put the alcohol before everything else in their lives. Mine was willing to toss out a meaningful relationship - and when he thought there might still be some life still breathing in it, he rubbed salt in it and burned the bridge behind him on his way out. Because I got in the way of his alcohol. That was several years ago - and he has since apologized for the pain, but I went 10 years without any acknowledgment of that pain, muchless an apology. If I had pinned my happiness or sanity on how the A dealt with his shortcomings, I would have led a miserable existance all of these years.
When we realize that it is the disease talking - and that disease is residing in them, we have to DETACH. (oh so easy to say) You've got your own life that you're leading, and your own program now. You're definitely on the road to recovery for yourself. I think that as we get some distance from the situation and begin to recover, lots of emotions start showing up. Anger is a tough one. Keep doing what you're doing. You're getting there!
I am glad you wrote this topic as I am just as confused as you are. I wrote that anger list to get it out of me and it did help, it was cathartic so I felt better somewhat. I understand what the replies to your post are saying that my AH can't validate my feelings, they are my feelings but still I also know stuffing them doesn't work. It is starting to filter in that 'how important is it' and detaching means to reduce the reaction of anger.
Still going to f2f and working on this so all I can say is you are not alone in figguring this out. Brain pain sometimes, eh!?!
hugs, ddub
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"Choices are the hinges of destiny." Pythagoras You can't change the past, but you can change the future.
"HOW IMPORTANT IS IT"....
