The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
Last night I was at Walmart, got 3 phone calls from hubby, never mind he is NEVER home by 7pm, and it was 6:45. He gets off work @ 3 and is usually drinking at his buddy's house across the street until 7 or 8. Anyway, I guess since I have gotten so good at detaching, he keeps trying to attach himself to ME! I got so distracted in the checkout lane at Walmart, I ended up leaving $40 in the cash back thingy. GRRR! I got home, and he was mad as hell. Didn't want dinner. Just wanted to scream about wanting a divorce. I told him the same thing I always do....go get one. I have about 1 foot out the door. I can't take it anymore. I never thought I would get to where I want to leave. But I think I could live without him OK. And not go back. The lines have been crossed so many times. Now he thinks I have a boyfriend at work because I have been working overtime. He wanted to see my paycheck stub to verify my hours. We have NEVER had this type of issue. It is the detaching and not falling into the traps and crying, begging, pleading anymore that has made him more crazy. I am just trying to survive. I am tired of the abuse. I am tired of being threatened. He tells me to leave, then calls me! GRR Last night he finally called his brother to come over and talk. I called my sis in law. She understands the disease aspect, but fears for my safety. I am tired of being called names. Of not being able to have my grandbaby at my house. He wants me there to justify his own bad behavior. Things got worse when I started standing up for myself, taking care of myself. Not always being at his beck and call. I am about to take out an emergency withdrawl on my 401K account, and just start my life over. That is probably a pretty screwed up financial decision, but I don't know how much longer I can live like this. My life is so screwed up. All my friends either feel sorry for me, or think I am crazy for living like this. This is not a life. His anger is eating him alive, as well as the beer. He brings up the past daily, the fact that I was married before, blah, blah, blah. So was he....as if that matters anyway. The only thing I regret is we are buying a house on land contract, we only have about 3 more years and it will be paid off. If we leave now, we get nothing, and we have sunk thousands of $$$ and many, many hours of work into remodeling it. I can't afford it alone, and I don't think he can either. Plus, it is right across the street from his A friend's house. I am so confused. I am tired. I am tired of running scared. I am about ready to turn around and face the beast that has been tormenting me for so long. And fight. Please keep me in your prayers. In my fantasy world, I am running away from home, and being a nanny to Keith Urban and Nicole Kidman's baby when it is born. And taking the baby to the concerts, with big earplugs in his/her little ears so he/she won't get ear damage.
O Becky I hear your utter exhaustion, and feel for you.
All I can say, only you know what it is worth.
Can you last three more years? You cannot take it with you and I think no amount of money can buy your life. You only have ONE.
I will keep you in my prayers and ask for God to help you in your decisions and give you peace to make the right one FOR YOU. For me, the peace, the serenity, the waking up to calm and knowing I was not going to be torn to shreds meant so much more than the beautiful house that my A lost.
I say house, for it was no HOME.
Now I have a HOME, and a LIFE, FREE OF FEAR, TORMENT, and ANGER.
((((((Becky)))))) sending you love from across the waves. HeartB
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"The highest form of wisdom is kindness." The Talmund
Your post hit my hot button dead center. The insanity of this disease is well....insane!!
Are you following the suggestions of going to face to face meetings, getting a sponsor and doing literature and steps daily? I don't know cause I can't remember you saying. Besides your friends and family who either are feeling sorry for you or thinking you are crazy for staying...you have this family group who for the very most part is loving, supportive and compassionate. We have been there also. I have lived most of your post including the work hours although my extentions were not always overtime but just wanting to stay away from her and this maddening disease. I would take an extra blanket with me and sleep at work instead of going home to the insanity. I would go home in the morning to shower, shave and get ready for another day. That outcome would be different if she was there or not there. The accusations of infidelity sadly still continue although I am no longer married to the alcoholic or addicts. I thank God for this program that I don't have to figure out where they are coming from or what is causing their fear and just not participate in their dysfunction. I obviously have made the choice to marry this type of partner and I get what I get. I have also made some maddening mistakes while under the influence of this disease...bad ones!!...very bad ones!!! Not even funny and never was funny. As a child of this disease I had learned to act and react in ways that revealed the progression of the dysfunction that comes from people from insanity. I'll admit to being crazy. I wasn't bad (although I did some very bad things) I was crazy and being crazy does not add up to positive outcomes.
I need this program to live reasonably. A sponsee talked about "progress not perfection" in our Super Saturday morning meeting and it gladly reminded me that this is a program I have to work in order to have progressive serenitiy. It will not happen if I stand still. If I stop working it I get sucked back into the deep hole of the disease. I was watching the marketing trailer for the new movie "The Spartans". I guess most of it can be called zany slap-stick humor though the part where the Spartan pushes or kicks the "underlings or less than people" into the deep dark well brings up the old feelings of what it is like to be around uncaring people especially those in positions of authority.
I'm gonna have to pray and meditate on this situation. May report on it later.
Yeah, Becky, when I no longer cried and pleaded and begged, it made mine MORE abusive and crazy, too.
What can you do about that? We no longer jump when they tell us to. We no longer ask: "how high?"
I refuse to sacrifice my serenity for ANYTHING. I will stand there cold as a stone, if needed. I cannot help him with his trauma/drama/power plays, he can go it whole hog, writhe all over the place and threaten to punch himself in the head (he used to do this often to get me to "respond") until he is dead. J.
I was reading about borderline personality disorder last night and the behavior seems to me to be very similar....the don't leave me, i hate you behaviors. Sounds like he knows he no longer has control of your emotions and doesn't know what to do about it, so he is lashing out---just my opinion. Keeping you in my thoughts and prayers.
You came to the right place! My AHSober has said most of those things to me. My friends can't believe that I am not divorced. In that insanity you have to remember that it is not about you, it is the disease talking and it wants to take everything down with it.
Now, we are not suppose to give advice here. So, Suze Orman, says NEVER take money out of your 40lK. I hear you on almost reaching your goal and then maybe it will all go down the drain. My AHsober has done the same thing financially. Just when we get close to success he wants to make some big financial purchase. Together we would be doing so well. But he chose to leave. Fear of success? Failure?
How about one day at a time? Or one issue at a time? Breath? Work your program? Hang on to your HP!
I finally reached a point where I could not take it anymore, not if I was going to maintain any shred of dignity or self-esteem.
I started over 2 hours away from where we had lived. He was far too consumed with his disease to bother with coming to 'get' me as he had often threatened.
On the rare occasions that I do have my grandchildren, they are welcomed into a home free of chaos, and full of love. It's a safe place for them (their mother, my oldest daughter is a practicing alcoholic/addict).
I have no regrets. I did what I had to do to save myself :)
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"If a dog will not come to you after having looked you in the face, you should go home and examine your conscience." - Woodrow Wilson
I'm sorry for all the pain you are going through. When I feel stuck I just pray to my HP to make the path I must take clear, in terms of the decisions I must make for myself. It certainly is not easy.
It is so hard to give up the dreams of what we want and think should be, but ultimately it must be easier than continuing to be tired, scared, confused and tormented. The fear of the unknown I think, can sometimes be worse than what the unknown actually is.
Blessings, Lou
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Every new day begins with new possibilities. It's up to us to fill it with the things that move us toward progress and peace. ~ Ronald Reagan~
Sometimes what you want to do has to fail, so you won't ~Marguerite Bro~
