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Maresie mentioned this in a previous post and it got me thinking. Physical emotional care. Wow. What is that? I mean - when I was growing up I had that. And I had that in spits and spurts probably until my mother died 8 years ago. Once she died - I have no recollection of having physical emotional care. I've GIVEN physical emotional care. I think most mothers have. And most Al-Anons.
I do have a few wonderful friends (one or two who would go the distance for me) - but day in, day out PHYSICAL EMOTIONAL CARE is foreign to me these days. How I long for the hug that tells me it's all going to be okay, the body next to me at 3 am when I have a nightmare. Just another adult who is there and gives a damn. And if I'm being honest, I'll tell ya that even my A, soaked in his disease, would be most tempting. OK.....that's not actually completely honest. My A, when not soaked, gave some extraordinary physical emotional care. He has a gift. But when soaked, he becomes a stranger. And that's when some serious loneliness would set in for me. (think "rollercoaster ride")
So I guess I need to be careful with this. It's one of my "slippery slopes". When I let myself get to a point when I'm CRAVING that physical emotional care, then I'm more likely to fall into an unhealthy relationship. I need to recognize that about myself.
I'm having an emotional night tonight. Don't know why....but I think that the fact that I picked up on this topic should tell me something.
That's a good one round3. I was raised with no physical emotional care what so ever. None. A hug was something that weak, over emotional people did. So, when I got together with my A and he was very physically affectionate and his family's response to any emotion (happy, sad, even mad) was to throw your arms around the person I was very uncomfortable. But, once I had kids, I understood the power that a hug, kissing a boo boo, or holding a hand had. I was a changed woman! I went thru a period not too long ago when I felt like I was going to physically die from lack of human contact. I had the kids but, like you said, it's different. I wanted some intimacy, some physical emotional care. That explains it exactly. I am over it for the moment. I am in a shut down phase as far as that is concerned for which I am grateful.
I remember when I was a senior in high school my best friend's BF moved away. She missed the hand holding and cuddling so much she tried to get me to snuggle with her! LOL! Even if I wasn't as repressed as I was at the time I don't think I would have gone for it! My f2f meetings are great for basic human contact and the hugs are priceless. We alanons really know how to give a great hug, with meaning, don't we? I hope your dry spell breaks soon and you find your fill of PEC
Aloha R3...good pick up on Maresie's post. Though I didn't read it I can understand thru your pickup and have empathy. Yeah I have been in those shoes alot and then finally arrived at most times it's steadier without the dependency on someone else providing me my need for physical emotional care. I was bought (with a jolt) to the philosophy of "I love you and I like having your here...but I don't need you". At first that spilled my marbles all over the floor because it was so opposite what I believed and tried to live and when I first heard that I got angry and fled. Couple blocks down the street sitting in my car and meditating on what I was given I came to understand that my problems have always been trusting other human beings for my needs and most of them failed (me?) for one reason or the other; their own personal needs got in the way! Was I too needy? I don't know never inventoried the "too" part. Were my expectations to great and mostly left unspoken? I nod to that a bit more than the "needy" thingy. What usually came to pass was that I found myself and my support taken for granted, (I would always be there for them; hugs and whatever else and then they were off and I was left waiting for the next time "they" needed.) I was raised funny also in my alcoholic up bringing. I was taught to put others before me and myself last. That is one clue to who I am and what I do. It is also a clue as to how and why I have let myself be treated as "less than".
So....I gets my physical emotional care a little bit at a time from lots of people who give and take a little bit at a time. Thru it all, like yourself I know that I am loved and I have had people in this program take care of me better than my natural family when I was in an emergency type of bind. This taught me what is important to me today; "Love others as I would like to be loved." That's fair, That's honest, and That's just!
Keep coming back with your healthy ESH and here's my e-((((hug)))) for you. If you touch the right place on your PC that hug even feels warm. LOL crazy.
This thread reminds me of the time I read about hugs and try to get two or three hugs from my four kids............ it was a lot easier when they were younger but still they can tell that mom needs a hug and it sure does help.
This was what I read: We need four hugs a day for survival. Eight hugs a day for maintenance and 12 hugs a day for growth,' says Virginia Satir, a family therapist.
Hence my usual closing is, of corse, hugs.
hugs, ddub
__________________
"Choices are the hinges of destiny." Pythagoras You can't change the past, but you can change the future.
exercise more, get massages, lay in the sun, go out into the world, hike, walk, run, ski, MOVE yer body, its how the universe hugs us- go out into the woods, drag your kids along, feel the wind in your hair, etc. GET OUT MORE, people!!! J.
