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Wednesday was new visitation situation #3 with grandbaby and his daddy here for the three hour block. I want things to work out OK since we have no other choices at this time, but boy, what a difficult three hours. Baby came from school in good mood, smiling, chatting. Daddy arrived tired from work, moody, sad...his usual demeanor. His depression is deepening lately and I cringe to think he might drink to medicate. So far, he seems to be holding his own, but he is difficult to be around (for me mostly since I am so in tune with his emotions.) He and his son played in the playroom we have set up. We had dinner. He gave son his bath. And the evening ended. Again a huge wall of despair hung in the room in spite of the attempts at laughter and conversation. This just isn't working for ME. But because I aim to please and keep the peace, I guess it has to continue unless I jump in feet first and say HERE IS WHAT OUR FAMILY NEEDS to the EXDIL. My son needs to see a lawyer, but he is afraid to do so. Under the circumstances of our prticular situation, nothing untoward has happened that should keep him from seeing his child unsupervised as she demanded in the decree. He is afraid of her...literally afraid. He still cares for her and has been in denial and shock and depression since she divorced him nearly two years ago, taking everything in the path.
I took baby home at designated time. He was fed, bathed, happy. I had done his laundry brought from school yesterday (potty training mishaps!!), so it was clean, dry, folded. I took cupcakes I had baked. I seldom enter her home since I don't feel welcome or comfortable (she enters mine without knocking), but she didn't come out for him. So took him as far as the kitchen. She came to greet and as I stood there relaying info of the day, saw the photos on the frig. Photos of her, my grandchild, and the new guy....posing and mugging for a strip photo booth like at the mall. Well, yes. It hurt dreadfully. My grandchild is being treated as this guy's child. He is living there most days. She will not come clean with my son about who he is, what the situation is which is definitely affecting the baby, etc. There are no pictures in the house of my son with his child...doesn't every child of divorce need a picture of his "other" parent? I think so. But no, she is too filled with hate and resentment to allow that. The place used to be filled with pictures. Now only she and the child, and now this. I am at the point where I want to just bow out. I think we would all be happier. You cannot force a relationship with your grandchild......we were seeing him daily until she decided she didn't want to deal with her ex (even seeing him) and us. So she changed all the rules and she tells me "you say what you want in terms of visitation (not the daddy, ME) and if it is convenient for me, I will see what I can do." So I ask you, how should I feel? I do know that if it were just me, and my son and husband didn't enter the picture, I would completely cut ties with this mean and vicious woman. She is intentionally out to hurt me and my family. She would like nothing better than to have us die...literally!!! That is how bad I feel this morning. Today I plan to try and call my pastor even thought he is the last person I want to share with. But I am spiritually dead and cannot stand myself or the thoughts that I have in my mind. I am a long-time Christian and I hate what I have become.
My A had a son with a girl before we got together and she did pretty much the same thing to him. It ended with false allegations of sexual abuse and we ran out of money to pay the lawyers. I had 2 other kids at the time and had CPS showing up at my house and their school to question them. You can't even imagine all the things that you dig up on yourself that could be construed as some kind of sexual abuse, or being inappropriate. Even joking around or spanking, everything causes stress because you never know how it will be seen through someone else's eyes. I never hated anyone like I hated that girl! Finally one day I said I can't be involved in this anymore. I refused to be there with my girls when he came to visit and told my A I had to put my kids first and I would no longer take any part in pursuing custody or visitation. I washed my hands of it. Shortly thereafter we had to give up on even seeing him at all. She had another man in her life who she wanted to be daddy. She was willing to do whatever she felt necessary to make that happen. If my ex was an attorney I would be scared s***less!! I can understand why he is because that gives her so much more power in the situation. My A probably needed to have supervised visits but eventually we couldn't afford those anymore either at $150 a pop. I know this is hard for you, I think if your son got an attorney he could revise the custody agreement with no problem. If he hasn't been to jail and doesn't use drugs, he should get at the bare minimum every other weekend. If he has never been proven to be a danger to the child there is no reason to hold out but what she is doing is parental alienation and it's wrong. Is there a reason the visits have to be supervised? All I can say is this is probably going to get worse not better and you have to be so careful not to let yourself get dragged down with it. You son needs to wake up and fight for his son before it's too late, but it's his place to do it and he has to motivate himself thru the depression (get some meds or something) and FIGHT! Even if he wins visitation there's no guarantee that she won't make false allegations or bad mouth him to his son and ruin their time together anyway.
Sorry, wish I had better things to say, just know that I have been through similar stuff and I wasn't even very attached to the little guy and I thought I would lose my mind so it must be 10 times worse for you I'm so sorry. If it were me I might try telling my son that I'm not going to be the middle man anymore and if he wants to see his son he better go get a lawyer and fight. That might spur him to take action if it's all or nothing? Just a thought.
" I am at the point where I want to just bow out."
Above is a quote from your post. Perhaps the best thing for you to do right now IS bow out. Detachment is sometimes the only and best way to work through a situation with which we are dealing with raw emotion. It is time to consider what is best for YOU. Your total emersion in this unpleasantness doesn't seem to be working to your best interest.
I hope today is a better day,
Diva
-- Edited by Diva at 10:48, 2008-01-24
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"Speak your truth quietly and clearly..." Desiderata
I wish I could magically get you to a point where I am with my grandchildren, but it doesn't work that way.
I had to hit an emotional bottom, and finally see that it wasn't about the alcoholic mother, any of her less than desirable boyfriends, or the dysfunctional father of those children.
It was about them and what I could provide for them in terms of a safe environment and emotional stability when I was allowed to have them.
As Diva said, it's time to consider what is best for you. The current situation just seems to be a gaping wound that can't even scab over, let alone heal.
Sending warm thoughts and prayers for you from Kansas.
DeVon
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"If a dog will not come to you after having looked you in the face, you should go home and examine your conscience." - Woodrow Wilson
"but he is difficult to be around (for me mostly since I am so in tune with his emotions.) "
Oma, I know its really hard, but its not healthy to be this concerned with someone elses feelings. Believe me when I say I have been there. Detaching is a learned behavior, but it is much better and easier once you get the hang of it. It is not your concern if he is sad, depressed, etc. He is a grown man and perfectly capable of dealing with his own feelings. As you said that is the norm for him at the moment and it is to be expected this early in his sobriety/recovery.
It is not that we don't care. Its just that there's nothing we can do to make someone feel anything. You cannot make this better for him. He has to work toward that end. So why do we get so wraped up in emotions that do not belong to us? Thats codependency. Maybe you could try discussing the serenity prayer with your pastor. It has really helped me. You are right, the resentment you feel is a poison that hurts mostly you.
Just remember we care and we are here. Recovery just takes time, and the anger, resentment, dispair that you feel right now is very normal. I remember how all consuming it felt, but it does pass.
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~Jen~
"When you come to the edge of all you know you must believe in one of two things... there will be earth on which to stand or you will be given wings." ~Unknown
