The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
All of the concern and suggestions I received last week after my last post about how "thing just keep happening" were appreciated and read and re-read. I come back and keep reading the responses I got and wondering why I am so hard to convince. I am intelligent. I understand the reasons for the responses. I know, I know. Why then do I continue to sit and do nothing? The one friend I have via e-mail (who is now across this vast country for the winter) wrote me today and admonished me to seek treatment for depression. I know, I know. I know I have situational depression, not massive chronic "real" depression. I was prescribed an anti-depressant during cancer treatment and tried it for awhile. I had horrible side effects and no relief. Since then, life has become considerably harder. I spent the three-day MLK weekend miserable and sick. I kept saying to myself: why aren't you like you used to be? why aren't you listening to your Al_Anon people? What is the matter with you that you continue in this morass of emotional stuff? And I keep saying, I don't know.
But I do know. I know that for 46 years I have been the "good wife". The reason we have had 46 years is because I have been the giver and the doer. For 44 years, I have been the "good mother" and subsequently, the "good mother-in-law". I have done what everyone else wants me to do. And where has that gotten me. Obviously, nowhere. Because now I am an old, bitter and resentful woman. I feel as if the successful professional life I once had was just in vain. If your family life goes to heck, nothing else much matters. Because in the end of life, it is the family who ultimately matters. They are the ones you need for support. They are the ones to whom you turn for some recognition. I don't get it. The women with whom I once associated in my other life did things I used to consider 'stupid". They divorced their men; they went out and partied and had a good time. They raised their children in ways I could not have considered; yet now it appears they have remained in good health, still traveling, still enjoying life. And guess what: their kids turned out well and successfully. What rewards are there for the "good" girls?? I just don't know. My rewards are a son from whom I am becoming more estranged each day, a beautiful grandbaby whom I am now allowed to see only for 3 hours each Wednesday, a sick husband for whom I can do nothing except stand by, and a sick me for whom I could do something but seem frozen in time and circumstances.
Thank you for all the suggestions. I am trying trying trying. With each little pull-up the rope I go, I slip back down twicefold. But I will keep reading and trying. I read other posts by those who are in such awful circumstances; I realize I should be grateful for a lovely home, adequate assets, another day each day. I am not abused, homeless, financially destitute, living with an A daily...so in some respects, I have it made. I just need to get a grip and absorb what I have just written.
I know you're tired. I know you feel overwhelmed. You may feel as though this crisis, this problem, this hard time will last forever.
It won't. You are almost through.
You don't just think it has been hard; it has been hard. You have been tested, tried, and retested on what you have learned.
Your beliefs and your faith have been tried in fire. You have believed, then doubted, then worked at believing some more. You have had to have faith even when you could not see or imagine what you were asked to believe. Others around you may have tried to convince you not to believe in what you were hoping you could believe.
You have had opposition. You have not gotten to this place with total support and joy. You have had to work hard, in spite of what was happening around you. Sometimes, what motivated you was anger; sometimes fear.
Things went wrong - more problems occurred than you anticipated. There were obstacles, frustrations, and annoyances en route. You did not plan on this being the way it would evolve. Much of this has been a surprise; some of it has not been at all what you desired.
Yet, it has been good. Part of you, the deepest part that knows truth, has sensed this all along, even when your head told you that things were out of whack and crazy; that there was no plan or purpose, that God had forgotten you.
So much has happened, and each incident - the most painful, the most troubling, and the most surprising - has a connection. You are beginning to see and sense that.
You never dreamt things would happen this way, did you? But they did. Now you are learning the secret - they were meant to happen this way, and this way is good, better than what you expected.
You didn't believe it would take this long, either - did you? But it did. You have learned patience.
You never thought you could have it, but now you know you do.
You have been led. Many were the moments when you thought you were forgotten, when you were convinced you had been abandoned. Now you know you have been guided.
Now things are coming into place. You are almost at the end of this phase, this difficult portion of the journey. The lesson is almost complete. You know - the lesson you fought, resisted, and insisted you could not learn. Yes, that one. You have almost mastered it.
You have been changed from the inside out. You have been moved to a different level, a higher level, a better level.
You have been climbing a mountain. It has not been easy, but mountain climbing is never easy. Now, you are near the top. A moment longer, and the victory shall be yours.
Steady your shoulders. Breathe deeply. Move forward in confidence and peace. The time is coming to relish and enjoy all, which you have fought for. That time is drawing near, finally.
I know you have thought before that the time was drawing near, only to learn that it wasn't. But now, the reward is coming. You know that too. You can feel it.
Your struggle has not been in vain. For every struggle on this journey, there is a climax, a resolution.
Peace, joy, abundant blessings, and reward are yours here on earth. Enjoy.
There will be more mountains, but now you know how to climb them. And you have learned the secret of what is at the top.
Today, I will accept where I am and continue pushing forward. If I am in the midst of a learning experience, I will allow myself to continue on with the faith that the day of mastery and reward will come. Help me, God; understand that despite my best efforts to live in peaceful serenity, there are times of mountain climbing. Help me stop creating chaos and crisis, and help me meet the challenges that will move me upward and forward.
I hope you have a sponsor. Or a counselor. Or someone you're working through this with.
It is alright to feel cheated. It is alright to feel in need. It is alright that you feel that the mountain is too high, too hard, too scary to climb. HOWEVER, it is NOT ALRIGHT TO BE FROZEN TO THE SPOT and feel that you are unable to take the first ONE SMALL STEP. Don't try to climb a mountain before you can stand on your on two feet and walk in the valley.
A JOURNEY BEGINS WITH THE FIRST STEP.
JUST FOR TODAY, GIVE THANKS FOR WHAT YOU DO NOT HAVE TO LIVE WITH i.e. like those things in your penultimate sentence and also GIVE THANKS FOR WHAT YOU DO HAVE i.e. like those in the sentence before that.
I firmly believe that when we are granted a second chance, as you and I have been, through cancer that GOD granted that for us to LIVE, and not just EXIST.
Do NOT LOOK AT WHAT OTHERS are doing, or have - that is where the bitterness and resentment will take hold LOOK AT WHAT YOU ARE DOING RIGHT NOW. In my experience if I honour God [my HP] for giving me a second chance I need to LIVE and not just EXIST.
As I have said before to someone else in the family. I DO believe in miracles, I am one of them and you are another. Who knows when another miracle will happen in our lives? If it is not my turn for a miracle well that is alright, I rejoice in the fact that someone else is having their miracle met right this minute.
Your miracle is to turn around though BEGINS WITH YOU and I think you need to look at STEP 1 - ACCEPT YOUR POWERLESSNESS OVER THIS SITUATION, and then go on to STEP 2 BELIEVE THERE IS A POWER GREATER THAN YOURSELF THAT CAN RETURN YOU TO SANITY, and finally go to STEP 3 and DECIDE TO TURN YOUR WILL AND YOUR LIFE OVER TO THE CARE OF GOD AS YOU UNDERSTAND HIM.
Take a deep breath and STEP OUT...no-one can take that first step for you...believe, I know how hard it is...I have been there, got the T-shirt but BOY WAS IT WORTH THE RISK.
I am right behind you - willing you - praying for courage to enable you to begin this journey. Let it be today that is the real FIRST DAY OF THE REST OF YOUR LIFE.
And go back to that doctor, if that medication did not work, there are others...I was put of at least four before they found the right one for me.
Heartbroken - healing and courageously stepping out in faith to LIVE and not simply EXIST.
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"The highest form of wisdom is kindness." The Talmund
Hey Tiger, you must have been writing your post as I was writing mine. Great minds think alike. I agree with you as you will see by reading my post too.
OMA - we are there for you.
((((((((((hugs))))))))))))))))
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"The highest form of wisdom is kindness." The Talmund
It is so hard to change those old patterns of behavior and thinking, isn't it?
Give yourself credit that you have reached out for help, and although you are not making the progress that you would like to at this point, you are trying and that, dear lady, IS progress (((hugs)))
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"If a dog will not come to you after having looked you in the face, you should go home and examine your conscience." - Woodrow Wilson
That's a quote from your post above Omajoy. And therein, I believe, lies the crux of your problem. I, of course, am not trained to make any diagnoses, but it seems to me that years and years of doing for everyone else and not ever for yourself is enough to make you, or anyone else, a bitter, angry, and resentful person. It is time to think about Omajoy and what it is that makes her happy and contented. Then, go about doing those things.
I have a friend of long standing whom I love very much. I think she is about your age, and all she has ever done with her life is cook, clean, take care of a parapalegic 47 year old son, and cater to the whims and desires of her "family." My heart cries for her because what I see is a life totally wasted. Does any family member appreciate her total devotion? Hell NO!!
Just think about it Omajoy, and you will see that we all must see to our own happiness before we can deal with the problems and concerns of others.
I sincerely do wish you well. I know this is not as simple as I make it sound; I do not mean to take a cavalier attitude. I undestand. Take care of yourself. That's an order.
Diva
-- Edited by Diva at 11:23, 2008-01-22
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"Speak your truth quietly and clearly..." Desiderata
I echo what the others have written and have no great wisdom to share but
I am currently learning that it is a slow process and that changes can be made!
I don't know why it is so hard to take care of myself, I know how, I take care of the kids great. Once a dietician for chloresterol reasons went over my diet with me. I'd say I serve the kids fruit 3-4 times a day like strawberries - she'd say,
but do you eat the strawberries or fruit 3-4 times a day. I had to think and
she repeated the question, I don't. Wierd but so true for many of us. We can
take care of others but not ourselves.
Someone suggested I mother myself or expect of myself as I do my kids.
Different perspectives help sometime.
Right now, as tiny as this is, I really am celebrating that I again will
automatically brush my teeth before bed. I used to religiously but then like
everything else, I stopped. Just doing one good thing for you is a great start.
You are so worth it. hugs, ddub
-- Edited by ddub at 11:40, 2008-01-22
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"Choices are the hinges of destiny." Pythagoras You can't change the past, but you can change the future.
Just wondering...did you try just the one antidepressant? If so, perhaps meeting with your Dr. and trying another may help. After my husband got sober his Dr. tried several before they were both satisfied. If you are in fact clinically depressed the correct antidepressant could help you get that boost in to being mentally available to the recovery that you are seeking.
Christy
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If we think that miracles are normal, we will expect them. And expecting a miracle is the surest way to get one.
I read your posts and see myself so much. I was the good girl for 25 years. It ended up with me to the point that I could not even unload my dishwasher. I would tell myself I will unload the dishwasher today and that night I would go in and find the thing open and all the clean dishes still sitting in there. I was so depressed, I could not even see the light of day out of the depression hole. I at the time didn't even believe in depression. I thought one just snapped out of it. Well omajoy, I snapped and I snapped until I couldn't snap anymore. I didn't believe in antidepressents either, but I at last came to the decision that if I didn't do something I would end up with the last chapter of my life as a person who sat on the couch and looked out the door all day. I have terrible luck with side effects from medications, but decided to take that little baby step and get to the doctor and get on them. It took a few tries but I found one that worked for me I started seeing a councilor and a shrink as I called him and going to alanon meetings. This all took time as I was only capable of one little baby step at a time. First I got to an alanon meeting and got ahold of some literature...It was called a starter packet. What a wealth of information! one little baby step. I didn't go to anymore meetings for awhile. That packet though got me to the councilor, who got me to the shrink, who got me on the antidepresents. Omajoy, when I got depressed, my brain shrank and I could only think 3 maybe 4 thoughts. I would wake in the morning and those thoughts started. Tears came next. I would imagine that was the first 3 minutes of my day, from there it went down hill.
My daughter needed my help after an accident, my son and ex husband were using. I didn't take anytime for me. I thought I was holding up the weight of the world for all of us and if I quit...God only knew what would happen. Thank goodness the people here at MIP talked me into getting out of this house and to that first alanon meeting. The antidepressents were the first trigger to getting me out of the depression hole. Omajoy, take the baby step. What ever step it is today that you choose. Have you been to the chatroom? Have your tried another antidepressent? Have you been to that first alanon meeting? Have you met with a councilor?
Besides all the choas going on with your son and dil, I truely believe that anyone with a major illness will struggle with depression. I saw it in my daughter with the accident. I saw it with myself with the seizures I starting having durring this time I am telling you about. I also saw it with the man I am dating now when he had a heart attack and then again with my sis last year when she had a bout with cancer.
We are all here routing for you omajoy. Take the baby step. Your husband is sick yes. Do all you can for him, make him comfortable and then go do something for you. You can do it!
Prayers are coming your way. An alanon meeting is about an hour. A meeting with a councilor is about an hour. About the same time it takes to go to the grocery store. I had to tell myself ...JUST DO IT!!! Those little baby steps made me so proud of myself that I wanted to do one more little baby step. One lead to another and pretty soon ...One good day lead to another. Do it for you omajoy...You are so worth it!
I hope this helps you as much as it did for me. I can't tell you how many times I listened to this (from a tape) and read it over and over and over again.
Keep coming, yours in recovery, Maria
Angela's Word
When Angela was very young, Age two or three or so, Her mother and her father Taught her never to say NO. They taught her that she must agree With everything they said, And if she didn't, she was spanked And sent upstairs to bed.
So Angela grew up to be A most agreeable child; She was never angry And she was never wild; She always shared, she always cared, She never picked a fight, And no matter what her parents said, She thought that they were right.
Angela the Angel did very well in school And, as you might imagine, she followed every rule; Her teachers said she was so well-bred, So quiet and so good, But how Angela felt inside They never understood.
Angela had lots of friends Who liked her for her smile; They knew she was the kind of gal Who'd go the extra mile; And even when she had a cold And really needed rest, When someone asked her if she'd help She always answered Yes
When Angela was thirty-three, she was a lawyer's wife. She had a home and family, and a nice suburban life. She had a little girl of four And a little boy of nine, And if someone asked her how she felt She always answered, "Fine."
But one cold night near Christmas time When her family was in bed, She lay awake as awful thoughts went spinning through her head; She didn't know why, and she didn't know how, But she wanted her life to end; So she begged Whoever put her here To take her back again. And then she heard, from deep inside, A voice that was soft and low; It only said a single word And the word it said was... NO.
From that moment on, Angela knew Exactly what she had to do. Her life depended on that word, So this is what her loved ones heard:
NO, I just don't want to; NO, I don't agree; NO, that's yours to handle; NO, that's wrong for me; NO, I wanted something else; NO, that hurt a lot! NO, I'm tired, and NO, I'm busy, And NO, I'd rather not!
Well, her family found it shocking, Her friends reacted with surprise; But Angela was different, you could see it in her eyes; For they've held no meek submission Since that night three years ago When Angela the Angel Got permission to say NO.
Today Angela's a person first, then a mother and a wife. She knows where she begins and ends, She has a separate life. She has talents and ambitions, She has feelings, needs and goals. She has money in the bank and An opinion at the polls.
And to her boy and girl she says, "It's nice when we agree; But if you can't say NO, you'll never grow To be all you're meant to be. Because I know I'm sometimes wrong And because I love you so, You'll always be my angels Even when you tell me NO."
Barbara K. Bassett
-- Edited by Maria123 at 22:33, 2008-01-22
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If I am not for me, who will be? If I am only for myself, then who am I? If not now, when?
