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In talking to an attorney last week, the very first thing he asked me was about my ah's time with the kids. Although they see him multiple times a week, it is pretty random and overnights are infrequent - maybe one child once a week. The attorney then guaranteed me that as a part of the divorce process the visitation would change. When I explained to him that part of the reason it's sporadic is the time intense commitment my ah has to recovery through the Diversion Program, the attorney then mentioned that perhaps it is good I back off because ultimately his sobriety is what is best for the kids. I felt good that he truly seemed to have my kids' best interest at heart.
Anyhow, the next day we met with the kids' counselor to discuss the divorce and wouldn't you know? Ah wants a schedule. He came up with having one of the older kids on Wed night, and the other on Fri night, and then all 3 kids Sat am to Sun late afternoon every other weekend. The counselor was a bit surprised that I agreed so easily, but it is not about me. It is a bit lighter than what I originally suggested, but those kids need their dad and at least it is something regular. So, this is a temporary schedule, but I am going to request he keep all 3 kids on Wed night since I have an al-anon meeting and wouldn't be able to pick up the other 2 until 9:30 and that is too late for them.
Anyhow, here it is, Mon night. My 10 yr old daughter (who is getting sick) calls her dad and asks him (before she asks me) if she can go to a meeting (not AA) with him and then stay the night. She asks me while she has him on the phone. If I say "no", she automatically starts to have a fit. Now, that in and of itself is no big deal, but when she does it with her dad on the line and while I am totally unprepared, it just puts me in the controlling b**** category. So, I get on the phone with him and tell him she is getting sick, but it's okay if she gets in bed early. He states bedtime will be after the meeting at 9 or 9:30 , which is too late for my liking, but I am already roped in. Suckered again.
So, I ended up telling my daughter that from now on we are going to have a schedule and will follow it. Since this hasn't started yet and my ah has never followed such a thing, I don't know that it is going to work. Also, I said she is to always ask me first or it will be an automatic "no". The thing is, I talk tough, but my sad memory (serious sleep deprivation) combined with my terrible follow-through and my daughter's brilliant determination, well, its a recipe for disaster. It's going to take a lot of effort on my part.
My ah was really as innocent as a victim in this whole thing as I was, however, he could have helped me out by saying she could spend the night on Wed. He rarely takes a stand and is one usually to say yes first, and disappoint later. My daughter is a feisty ittle bugger and as it sits right now, he won't stand a chance if he ever tries to wean himself out of her life, that's for sure!
More than anything I am frustrated at me. I obviously still care about how I come across to him. When will my al-anon tools become a natural part of me?
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Every new day begins with new possibilities. It's up to us to fill it with the things that move us toward progress and peace. ~ Ronald Reagan~
Sometimes what you want to do has to fail, so you won't ~Marguerite Bro~
I thought that I did a pretty good read on that post and didn't come up with whimp? What is your definition of whimp Lou? Is it a person with feelings and consideration and compassion who is human? Certainly it's not about being imperfect is it? Guess I'm one also then. Where do I sign up and when are the meetings? Ala-Whimp program...just go figure now!!
Lou, you are being pulled in a lot of different directions. Please ease up and be gentle with yourself. Easy does it, you are doing the best you can under highly stressful and complex circumstances. Its going to take awhile for the tools to set in and get established. We need a lot of time to practice. One step at a time, one day at a time, give yourself a break, Hugs, J.
I dunno, I think flexiblility and taking things on a case by case basis actually works better for children than a strict schedule. Being willing to talk things over signals your strength, not your wimpiness. The only place I can see where you may have gone wrong here is in thinking you were 'roped in' by agreeing to discuss it.
Kids have a way of assuming that when you say "I'll think about it" or "I'll look into it" you really mean either "yes" or "no" (depending on your past practice). However, you're an adult and you are not bound by the kids' expectations. You can look into it further, and decide based on the information you get. It's not wimpy to change arrangements once in a while if the request is reasonable, nor is it "going back on your word" to agree to discuss something, and, upon discussion, decide that the answer is "no".
As always, the important thing is to make sure your heart is pure ;) Is your motive the child's best interests, or is it control, or sending your husband some signal, or some other manipulation? Are you sticking to rules because you believe they are best, or because you are scared? What might you be scared of? This is the kind of thing to keep in mind.
Sign me up with Jerry! Neither of you are wimpy! You know Alanon doesn't make us perfect. Frankly who wants to be? The fact that you were trying to be compassionate and understanding with both your A and your daughter is a good thing. If it's a schedule you want, then make a calendar with a schedule and include the visitation etc. That way, each will know when it's their turn to spend time with their Dad etc. It might also help you to stand firm when you need to. Just a thought. Be nice to yourself young lady. You're going through a lot. Love and blessings to you and your family. Hope your daughter feels better.
Live strong, Karilynn & Pipers Kitty
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It's your life. Take no prisoners. You will have it your way.
When I first moved out it took me a long time to adjust to the role of only parent. I used to be the good guy or just not participate that much, now I have to be all in one. My kids know that if they put me on the spot the answer is automatically no. Understand that will have to be shown several times before it will be clear to them but you just have to mean what you say. When they realize that you follow through the first few times that's all it will take. I would have the same talk with the A and let him know up front that if you are ambushed the answer will be no and ask that he do the same. The proper thing to do would be to say did you ask your mother...?
I wouldn't say you're a wimp (maybe many months back (sorry:). But lately you are sounding very strong. I was a serious wimp when I first started off. When I go back and read my posts from the beginning I think good lord who was that pitiful wimpy woman??? It's just the adjustment of the way things are, everything is different now and in the end you will have to be a little different because the situation is not the same and when we have new problems we come up with effective ways to deal with them and leave things that don't work behind. Being the nice guy might not be too effective anymore. I know I feel a lot "meaner" now but I also feel like things are running much more smoothly and I have some peace. I'm trying to move from mean to firm but it's really hard with kids because they want what they want and they will manipulate to get it. I try to cut off all manipulation as much as possible. I think it's a behavior learned by watching me and the alcoholic interact and I want to make it not work for them so they will choose other healthier behaviors.
Just know in your heart that things will settle down eventually and work themselves out and someday you'll look back and see all this as a blessing in disguise. That's how it always works out for me, tragic in the middle of it but what a relief when it's over.
What I was reading from your daughter was the typical teen age "anyone who doesn't give me my way is evil" catagory. So, I hope that answers that question. The other thing I was thinking wasn't that you were so "easy" to the councelor but that you had your priorities in line and weren't going to be a real "nazi" over it. In other words, she was probably thinking "Oh thank god, I can actually do my job for a change. I don't have to do...stuff to do stuff." The last thing I thought of is that you may need to be a little bit tough on this schedule for your kids to realize that "yeah, you're not gonna get to do whatever because of the divorce. you can't pull the guilt chain because I'm splitting up with dad."
Wonderful Important Mother Person 
