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Hi, I am new here, so if I don't use the correct abbreviations and such, my apologies in advance. I have been married to my AH (alcoholic husband - right?) for almost 12 years, and we have 3 kids. I know alcoholism is a progressive disease, as is drug addiction. My husband also has a cocain addiction. He will not admit he has a problem with either of these. This past weekend was a nightmare. My husband got disgusting drunk on Thursday night. His friends had to walk him in the house (thank god the kids were asleep), where he proceeded to break the bedroom blinds, pee the bed, and bleed all over the bed (nosebleed). This wouldn't have been so bad, except that our oldest son's birthday party was Friday. Husband was so hungover that he "had" to take money out of the bank (that we didn't have) for drugs to feel better. This resulted in him staying home in bed all Friday night and missing our son's birthday party. Son was really upset, all I could do was reassure him that I loved and would always be there for him. Saturday, I got sick with a stomach flu - husband does not deal well with me being sick, so he was absolutely no help while I was sick as a dog. No big deal, I'm used to that, but the housework did not get done (I work full time so Sat/Sun are the days that I get the housework done). Sunday me and the kids go to church. We get home and I go back to bed, as I am not feeling well. Husband had cleaned the house (surprise!). Husband goes to friends house to watch football, and comes home really drunk (go figure!). He then goes into a rage because the house is messy. Well, duh, we have 3 kids and I am sick all day, I didn't clean up their toys, or put away laundry, or do up the rest of the dishes. He is absolutely lived, ranting and raving about how I just layed around the house doing nothing, I am a worthless piece of sh--, etc. - I am sure you have heard this all before, I know I have. But, this time he went on to include the children in his rage. He said that they are pieces of sh--, and that I had 2 days to straighten them up or we were history. Well, I know his addiction cycle, and this was 2 days since his last cocaine hit, so the rage was predictable. This is where I am now. I don't know how to detach from his behavior and make me and my kids lives peaceful (they are my life). I constantly worry about everything - will I have enough money to pay bills or will he spend it, is the house clean enough, did I do everything correctly, the way he wants it done? I am constantly walking on eggshells waiting for the next blowup, and I am at my wits end. He has never hit me, but it wouldn't surprise me if it happened. His verbal abuse is getting progressively worse, and he is getting more aggressive. Can I expect his behavior to get worse, or will it level out? He is the first experience I have had with an addict, and I am lost as to how to proceed. First and foremost I want to make sure that my kids and I are safe. Should I be worried about his behavior worsening? If you have read this extremely long post, thanks. I just don't know what to do.
If you are not going to Al-Anon or Naranon face to face meetings then get yourself to one and make a commitment to stay for six meetings at a minimum.
There is nothing you can do for him, he has to do it for himself. The one thing you can do is to take care of yourself and pray a LOT. Our higher power will do for us what we cannot do for ourselves.
Will things get worse? there is no answer to that, they may but then they may not but be prepared with a plan of action if they do. Some women keep a small bag packed and hidden just in case they do have to bail. This action alone gives you back some of your power that has been given to the A over the years. Another thing I have heard a lot of women do is open a savings account that you do not tell hubby about. When you get groceries etc. get $10 back and put it in savings. Then if you have to leave you will have some finances to fall back on.
When I walked into my first Al-Anon meeting I was looking for those ten little words that would make my son clean up his act, stop drinking and drugging all by next Tuesday. That is when they informed me that I could not make him stop, I was there to work on me. Soon I discovered just how sick his illness had made me. Accepting it as an illness was very important for it allowed me to realize that I was dealing with two people in one body; one was my son the other was the addict. Now nearly four years later I have the tools and resources to get me through the rough spots and save my sanity regardless of what happens.
Keep coming back, get yourself a daily reader such as the ODAT (One Day at a Time) and read it religiously. You will be ok when you start taking care of yourself and in the process of your changing your reactions to his actions you will slowly see a change in him too.
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Everything I have ever let go of has claw marks all over it.
Thank you for your reply mobirdie. This really stuck out for me - you said changing your reactions to his actions. That makes sense, but I'm not sure how to react when he is raging, I usually just shut down and don't respond at all. Is there any information anywhere about how best to handle these episodes? I'm figuring out that I can't make him better, but I sure wish I could. thanks
Kellic - Welcome, I am sorry you need us, but glad you found us. Most of us can relate to what you are going through...I sure can. I remember calling my AH on my daughter's 6th birthday to tell him we would be home in an hour to open presents and have cake. In that hour he got so drunk that he couldn't talk or keep his eyes open for the party. I was sick with fury and let him know it. My daughter was crying, I was crying...my AH went upstairs and went to sleep. He didn't remember any of it.
That was before I found Al Anon. Now I know that I can't control what he does, only what I do. Who ruined her birthday? I did but losing my cool and engaging in an argument with an intoxicated person. Now I know that she and I could have had a fun time opening presents and having cake without him. Sure it would have been sad if he had missed it, but really he missed it anyway.
A's have to make the decision to get well on their own. It is so hard to watch someone we love act self-destructively when he could be well if he would only listen to us, the problem is so obvious to us. Unfortunately, it doesn't work that way. We can, however, take care of ourselves. We can own our lives, our emotions, our actions. We learn how to do that in Al anon.
Please find a meeting as soon as you can and get all of the literature they offer. The book, How Al Anon Works for Family and Friends explains the program as well.
Keep coming back, it works if you work it. Babysteps.
Thanks babysteps. It helps to know that other people know what it is like, and yeah, my son still had a good time at his birthday party, all of the rest of our family was there. I guess I just have a hard time with the detach thing. It all feels so personal, like if I were a good enough wife, mother, cook, lover, friend, etc. then he wouldn't need drinking and drugs. I guess I am just now realizing after 12 years that he is not going to change, talk about a slow learner!!! I can handle most of his behavior, it is just the mean stranger I am seeing more and more of that is scaring me. I will check out the book you mentioned. thanks
I'd like to suggest finding out as much as you can about alcoholism - it opens your eyes when so much of the behaviour that you more than half believe was caused by you not being good enough, shows up again and again, in all types of people. So much of it is actually a symptom of the disease - the blaming, the self centeredness, the inconsistency....
A very useful book that has helped many of us is called "Getting them Sober" by Toby Rice Drews. Easy to find - they'll have it at the library. It is not actually about getting them sober at all, but about giving up on that, and finding a way to either live with them as they are or decide to live without them.
In my home, things started getting better when I set some firm boundaries, and outside of that just shut up. The second time I felt it necessary to take the kids and spend the night in a motel, I looked at the damage this was doing to my children, and decided - "No more". I made up my mind that if it came to that, ever again, I would leave for good. I packed some bags and kept them in the trunk of my car, put away some money, made my plan. And, since I didn't really want to leave, I made it my business to make sure that if a fight escalated, it wasn't because of anything *I* did. Every time he'd be looking for trouble, I'd think "Is this it?" and decide "No, this is not so bad, I can find a way to turn this down a notch". And, you know, as I slowly stopped pushing, he stopped pushing back. Things got easier between us. Just by using some of the alanon tools (I didn't know that's what they were at the time) we went from a home of barnburner fights two or three times a week to a home where there was no shouting, within about a year. He didn't stop drinking, in fact his drug addictions became much worse, but the kids and I were no longer riding the roller coaster with him. It took another three years for him to sober up - during those years I was very sad at his decline, and hated what was happening to him, but it was no longer happening to me. Our home life was OK, not wonderful but OK.
It might not workthat way for you, but one thing we say here is 'Nothing changes if nothing changes' and 'Insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results'. What you are doing now is not working, so it won't hurt to try a new way.
I never knew what to do in the rages either. It seemed that whatever I did escalated him. If i remained silent, he escalated. If I engaged or responded, he escalated. If I tried to leave, he would block me. It was like he just needed to put me through it. He needed to yell at me. He needed me to take it. It was never his fault. Nothing ever was. he is sooo sick (still is, I guess). This was how I learned that its really not about me and has nothing to do with me. He needs to rage at someone. anyone who would have married him would have been the target. It did not matter what I did or did not do. This is how he is.
There were points where I would roll up on the floor into a ball. Once he went on for 7 hours.
I left because I cannot live like that. I got help. I went to a therapist, took classes and found al-anon. I attend al-anon meetings 2-3 times per week. This program has literally saved my life.
We are not divorced, been separated for almost 2 years. I have been working on me and my program in these two years. Its absolutely what I needed to do. I am learning to take care of myself and put myself and my needs first. I am beginning to feel some compassion for myself and not feeling like a vicim anymore (there is a big difference between them).
Keep coming back, find some face to face meetings. Hugs, J.
You are not a slow learner. We have all been affected by a disease of the mind body and spirit. It is part of the diseases' functioning that convinces us that we are at fault. It is the progression that is slow and insidious. It takes years of babysteps to get us here, but the same fomula can get us healthy again.
Keep coming back here. You are among friends.
In recovery,
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~Jen~
"When you come to the edge of all you know you must believe in one of two things... there will be earth on which to stand or you will be given wings." ~Unknown
I agree with Jen, you are not a slow learner. It takes years of slow progression to get you where you are now and it is going to take time to get you out of it and into a better place within yourself. That is done one day at a time, and with help and support and knowledge you will recover, learn how to handle yourself and use the tools that are available.
There are many of us here and we all support and care for each other. Welcome to the family. There are many who will be able to identify with your situation and you will read stories here that are frighteningly similar to yours.
The first thing that you have to come to terms with is that everything will be your fault as far as the A is concerned. We know that that is NOT TRUE, but we believe that it is right to admit to our own part in the coruption that this disease brings to ALL the family. We also have to learn what is NOT our responsibility too. The A has to own their part, but you have no control of that and it is up to them as and when they recognise their part in this situation.
You only have control of you and you can only change you. It starts with you and you will find support here.
Read and share and ask questions, you will always find that someone will read and share and answer your questions or point you in the right direction to find the answers. Most often the answers lie within ourselves, we just need help to tease them out.
Heartbroken
-- Edited by Heartbroken at 20:46, 2008-01-21
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"The highest form of wisdom is kindness." The Talmund
Welcome to MIP. I'm so sorry you are having to go through such a hard time. We have all been through similar circumstances and each of us has our own story to tell.
In my own case I found that when I stopped returning the argument and stopped listening to the absurd ranting and raving that's when he began to realize that something was different.
My AH has missed birthdays, holidays, and anniversaries all because he was too drunk to participate. I used to scream at him and cry because I was angry at him for choosing to get drunk on a special occasion.
When I started Al-Anon, I learned that I was the one who added fuel to the argument by continuing to argue with him. When I stopped, the arguments became fewer. I learned that the party was much nicer without him there and everyone had a better time.
I also encourage you to obtain the book "Getting them Sober" by Toby Rice Drews as was suggested by Lin. This book helped me to put things into perspective.
Keep coming back to share, to vent, and to rejoice with us. We are a family who cares.
Love and Blessings,
Claudia
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A person's a person no matter how small --Dr Suess
Welcome to the family...pull up your chair cause you are qualified to be here.
This is a progressive disease. If he doesn't do anything to totally arrest his drinking and using it will get worse for him. It will get worse for you and the family if you continue to participate in it. How did I participate? Controlling and manipulation, anger with threats (most I didn't carry out) arguements and fights with just about everyone including my alcoholic, picking up after her, chasing her all over creation trying to make sure where she was at and doing the right thing, going from bar to bar trying to find her so that I could get her home, trying to teach her how to drink "right" (could have killed her), beat her when I thought she (while drunk) was not doing the right and proper thing. The list goes on and on and so did the disease. It got progressively worse and so did I. It took me about 5 years or so while in the program making more than several meeting a week to "get it". It was taking my entire self out of her problem and letting go of the responsibility I practiced for her life and well being. We were soooo sick and I was soooo tired and crazy. I had to stop or be stopped or just lay down and die.
God it felt great to just let her be responsible for her desire to drink and the consequences without jumping to attention looking for another break to fix.
When I let go...she got sober; not in my time; in her time and last I knew she remained sober. I never knew her sober from the start but when we parted she was sober and all I had to do was Let go and Let God have her.
This program works if you work it. face to face meetings 90 in 90 days is what I was told and I got in over a 105 back then. It took a while and I'm still here and still going with up to 3 meetings a week. Its a progressive disease and so is recovery...progressive.
Wow, thank you all so much for the responses. I will check out the book recommended by a couple of you. I will also try the not engage thing when he is raging - maybe that will help calm him down. I guess it is hard to realize that it isn't about me, it is about him, and that no matter what I do, he will do what he wants. I'm going to try and remember that. Thank you all for the encouragement and hugs, I feel so much better just getting this out, like a huge weight has been lifted. I will keep posting and reading and see about joining a program near where I live. I'm so sorry there are so many people living like this, but I am grateful to know that I am not alone. kellic
I do hope you can find your way to an Alanon meeting. Your A's demands of a clean house andraging etc. is not about the house at all. It is a control issue. Alanon can give you tools to deal with it and stop walking on egg shells. In my experience it stems from low self esteem and dissapointment in self. You know, belittle the people around you so you look better? The big problem is when we begin to let their rage control us by making sure we "hop to" and meet their absurd demands. That just makes them stronger in their control issues. We must decide what we will tolerate and what we will not. Would you allow anyone else to call you and your children a pc of sh*t? Alcoholism combined with the rage of cocaine can be very unpredictable and unsafe. Please have an escape plan for yourself and children. Place clothes in the car or at least a phone that you can get to to call for help if needed. Assume the rage will escalate. It will not get better while they are using. Be prepared, be alert and be safe.
Take care Christy
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If we think that miracles are normal, we will expect them. And expecting a miracle is the surest way to get one.
