The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
Most of us can admit our faults...errors of judgement, lack of communication, blurps of insane stupidity, etc. But when combining arguements with these faults seems to cause wildfires to the inner parts of the mind and emotions. And this is where my issues of my life seem to stay rooted to.
My errors as a human are of what I would think are 'normal.' I have my inner demons that play tug-o-war of my inner being. I have emotions and thoughts. I can cry--if pushed to the limit of my sanity and I allow myself. I have a job, family, spouse, children, bills, etc. that caulk up the need of emotion or attention or control.
I get sick of struggling with marriage--the stepchildren that came from brainless mothers who don't seem to care about their children's needs and choose to neglect their mother duties--and the AH that has more that what a 'normal' person should have on a plate to juggle. The bitter baggage of a meshed marriage and the struggle to keep it all within the human balance of 'normal.'
I have bitterness that comes in variable forms. How does one rid oneself of this horrible fault? The feeling of this heaviness...this toxic, noxious smut on your being? Constantly kicking your thoughts and emotions around like some sort of personal life bully. Oh how quaint!
Just when I think to myself "Okay, this is starting to become 'under control.'"-- WHAM! The fog of denial is lifted (sometimes by myself for finding in my absene denial or by someone else that has usually not so kindly reminding me that I have definately got some issues and to 'run like a trackstar.') Reality. The bitterness of reality is just horrible to live with.
Can one find a way to live a life without finding yourself in bitterness? Can you at least recycle it? Find some way to live your life and just place it in a recycling bin for processing it into some good??
I have determined not to keep bitterness. I will be vigilant in the struggle to keep my bitterness away from my brightness of what remains in my life. I will keep fighting for my cause in this struggle of addictions and alcholism. But I do wonder, why it all has to be sooo damned hard and painful.
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Keep love in your heart. A life without it is like a sunless garden when the flowers are dead.
I have learned from the AA Big Book on resentments (maybe another name for bitterness). If we keep our resentments then we recycle over and over again those feelings. Then we can justify what we do (in the A's case this is to drink). In Alanon they say keep the focus on us. Hope this helps.
If I am holding onto resentment, I know I am not letting go and giving my problems over to my HP. If I am worrying, I know I am trying to do HP's work for him. If I am stuck in bitterness, I am not forgiving. If I feel that life is bleak, I am forgetting that life consists of a series of problems and my strength comes from how I approach and resolve each one of them. I can choose to approach my problems with a negative attitude and create a life for myself that is unhappy and difficult; or I can have a positive attitude and overcome adversity with pride, joy, and serenity.
I know I am not perfect. I will not achieve joy and serenity every hour of every day. I will experience periods of fear and uncertainty. I also know I am the captain of my ship, and with my HP's guidance I will survive. It takes practice and faith.
Keep coming back, it works if you work it! Babysteps
"If I am holding onto resentment, I know I am not letting go and giving my problems over to my HP. If I am worrying, I know I am trying to do HP's work for him. If I am stuck in bitterness, I am not forgiving. If I feel that life is bleak, I am forgetting that life consists of a series of problems and my strength comes from how I approach and resolve each one of them. I can choose to approach my problems with a negative attitude and create a life for myself that is unhappy and difficult; or I can have a positive attitude and overcome adversity with pride, joy, and serenity.
I know I am not perfect. I will not achieve joy and serenity every hour of every day. I will experience periods of fear and uncertainty. I also know I am the captain of my ship, and with my HP's guidance I will survive. It takes practice and faith."
Babysteps, these are a great couple of paragraphs!!! Thank you for writing this, its what I needed to read today. J.
