The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
Hello! I'm really glad I came across this board this weekend, I am so upset and tired of AH's lying and broken promises, I can't take it anymore and don't know what to do. I know I need to leave for my boys, I am a stay-at-home mom with 1 child that has medical issues.
We have 2 year old twin boys, life has been very stressful as one of our children had cancer and needed a life-saving liver transplant, he is 7 months in remission (very grateful). During this time AH spiraled down, he did not deal well with this at all. He drinks to escape the stress and boredom he says, he is not physically abusive, but can become verbally abusive to me at times, esecpially when I "nag him" about drinking. He is able to function at work, has held the same position for 13 years, lately he is coming home from work drunk and passing out. He used to just power drink and pass out when he came home. On the weekends he starts drinking in the morning. I hate it and I'm so upset he does this, choosing alcohol over us. :(
My son is on immunosupressants to keep his body from rejecting his liver, he catches infections easily and we are not able to have him in daycare until he is a little over a year past transplant. How can I leave if I don't have a job! I have no family here in the state to make matters worse. Are there any other stay at home moms that left their husbands? How did you do it? I would love your advice, we are buried in medical bills, I feel so stuck and sad. Please help me and tell me I can figure out a way to leave this situation
Ah, I feel so much for you, so hard if your little one is not well - you have to carry all the worry by yourself, too.
If he is not physically abusive, you might find that using alanon tools calms the situation down enough that you can get some serenity, while you work out what to do for a Plan B. It's so hard to make a rational decision when you are in panic and despair.
I urge you to try to get to face to face meetings if at all possible. Yes, I know, I know - I made all those excuses, too, when my kids were little. I believed them too - can't get a babysitter, can't let him know I'm looking for help, can't this, can't that - but looking back, I think that if I had been as willing to work towards my OWN needs as I was to meet everybody else's, I would have found a way.
Anyway, get to face to face if you can, but if that's just not possible, please read some of our literature, come to meetings and chat here, and read old posts on this board. Not everything you read here wil be helpful to you, it won't all apply, but some will, I promise.
What I found was that when I accepted that he was not doing this TO me, that there was actually something wrong with him that made him act this way, (I call it my "Oh, I get it, he's not an asshole, he's an alcoholic!" moment) it was easier for me to let up, which made life better in our home right there. When I stopped nagging, there was less fighting. When there was less fighting, we were able to connect a bit again. When we connected a bit, he was nicer to me. When he was nicer to me, I was not so resentful. And it went on that way. He kept drinking, being irresponsible, all of that, but *I* was not so unhappy. And, when I was happier and more at ease, he was less abusive, even while still drinking just as much. It might not work that way for you, but it's worth a try, while you work on the realities of your financial, and work situation, and try to come up with something.
Welcome, you've found a place to set some of your burden down.
When I left my active alcoholic/addict husband, I had an eight year old daughter at the time (from a prior marriage).
It was the scariest thing I ever did in my life. I actually ended up a single parent to two daughters eventually.
It is a struggle to do it on your own for sure.
I had gotten a full-time job as CNA, and still had trouble paying the bills.
I did turn to social services and got help with a medical card for my daughter (her father carried no health insurance on her), and some assistance with food and daycare.
I also recommend that if you can't make a f2f meeting, please at least familiarize with the Alanon literature and please keep coming back here too!
You brought back so many memories of what it was like for me.
Keeping you in my prayers (((hugs)))
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"If a dog will not come to you after having looked you in the face, you should go home and examine your conscience." - Woodrow Wilson
I'm glad you found this site. You have so much on your plate right now. You need support. This is the place to get it. It really hurts when our AH can't be there to help support us. You can get it out here though.
Find some f2f meetings if you can like lin said. They are so valuable to me. Also our program recommends that you get to meetings and start learning some of the tools to cope and not do anything drastic for at least 6 months. It takes some time for the info to sink in and then you can make a more informed decision. Besides you are in a tight situation and working out a plan B always takes time.
Relax. Try to do something nice for yourself.
When I gave myself permission to stay for today(I can change my mind tommarrow), it took much pressure off of me. I don't have to decide anything right now.
Keep coming back. You are among family.
In recovery,
__________________
~Jen~
"When you come to the edge of all you know you must believe in one of two things... there will be earth on which to stand or you will be given wings." ~Unknown
So sad for you, you have a heavy burden to carry. It is hard enough to mother twins and not have help but to have one so sick is even harder to bear. I wish I were nearer to help you physically so that you could go to f2f meetings, just that I am sure that it would help because you would come into contact with others who would hug you for real and be there to support you and the babies.
Lin is right, this family has taught me a lot and I have read some incredible stories here. This family is so supportive and caring and it is just wonderful that you have found us.
Just as Tenderhearts says, I am sure that you would find that social services can help you and that a medical card would be appropriate for your sick son. Daycare and respite care would also be available. However, as Lin says, if you began to learn how to take care of you in all of this, and if you could understand the disease that you are living with in your H's alcoholism then it may not be the right option for you to leave, but to learn how to change how you live with the A.
Jen is right, do nothing in a hurry. You can change your mind tomorrow but for today stop, relax and begin to get to know your options.
No one is an expert here, we are all here because we have been affected by alcoholism and we can only share our experiences with you and tell you how we did things. The decisions have to be yours and yours alone.
In my own situation I find I continually say the Serenity Prayer often and especially before I make any major decision. I take time to make that decision too, and only after I know of all my options. Just doing that alone might help you at this moment in time. Here is the prayer,
GOD grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can and the wisdom to know the difference.
And I will be praying for you ((((((((txmomma)))))), take care of you and you will be able to take care of those precious babies. You come first at this point in time.
-- Edited by Heartbroken at 16:30, 2008-01-20
-- Edited by Heartbroken at 16:35, 2008-01-20
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"The highest form of wisdom is kindness." The Talmund
hello momma , well u do have your hands full all right nice to hear your son is in remission I relate to holding your breath waiting to see if he will be ok . have been there myself. We have a meeting here on this site 2x a day 9 am and pm eastern time as it is obvious going to a real meeting for now is out of the question. they will help u alot , there is nothing u can do about your husb drinking and scolding and as u say b#$&ching about his drinking changes nothing , he drinks more you get frustrated it is a complete waste of your time . Here u will learn to detach from his behavior and get your life back , leaving may not be your only option .I assume u worked before you had your children , do u need to upgrade in order to return to work ? perhaps look into that while your at home . night classes etc . Keep comming back here and try and make the on line meetings , a few month s of al anon and you may change your mind about leaving the marriage or u will be able to make that decission not based on anger but an informed one . good luck hope to see u soon in our meetings . Louise
Oh thank you all so much, gosh your posts have me in tears, thank you for your kindness, I am so glad I have a place to come to where I feel like I belong. I keep this hidden from alot of people in our lives, I just feel so embarrased to tell anyone the REAL story of our lives behind closed doors. I alienate myself from having anyone over for fear they will see my husband as he really is. I hate weekends, he is just a sloth snoring on the couch smelling like whiskey, when he gets up, he slurs, it makes me sick. I feel so jelouse when I drive by the park and see all the happy dads out there playing with their kids, I wish my husband would get some help, he is really a nice guy when sober, which is only when he is at work apparently. He fuses rehab or AA, says it's for losers - anyone see the irony in that! Grrrr
I know you are all right, I need to read some of the literature and I keep hearing this Detach word LOL I do panic especially on a crappy weekend like this and think I need to get out NOW but it's really not possible, I am going to start working on a plan B, hopefully once my son is 1 year in remission and his chances of relapsing and infections go down, I can figure out a daycare plan and find some work and a way out. Prior to the boys being born I was a Marketing Coordinator, I need to brush up on some skills though! I am scared to leave but I also don't want the boys to grow up with a drunk dad that doesn't play with them. :(
I would like to try a face to face meeting, I don't know why I feel embarrased to go, and of course I have the "I can't find a babysitter excuse LOL, but I will try! Thank you all so much, I can't tell you how much you have helped me today. :) I really look forward to getting to know you all better. Thank you!!!!!!!
One more thing from my experience, I take my 2 children,7 yo son and almost 2 yo son, to all my meetings. I know not all will allow it, but it doesn't hurt to ask. I am lucky in that most of the churches our meetings are at have some kind of a play room. One even has two kind ladies from the church who read stories to the kids while we have our meeting. And, yes, sometimes my kids have been disruptive, but most people have taken the attitude that they are there to work on themselves and they get the added benefit of working on patience and tolerance. They don't let the disruptions affect their meeting. Sometimes it has been a challenge, but our 12 step families have been very good about it.
Anyway, that is my experience in my small town. So find the contact numbers and just keep looking. You will find something that works. At least it is something to think about once your son can be out in public. In the mean time, maybe the hunting around will put you in touch with some people you can talk to on the phone locally.
I think for me, isolation was a big factor. Now I try hard not to isolate myself. I am a stay at home mom too.
In recovery,
__________________
~Jen~
"When you come to the edge of all you know you must believe in one of two things... there will be earth on which to stand or you will be given wings." ~Unknown
I left with 3 kids. I had my job for 4 months when I moved out and took all 3 of them with me. I took every dime in the bank when I moved out and that helped. Now I have 2 jobs. I think everyone's situation is different. I know there have been times when I have felt stuck as you describe. I know I have bided my time sometimes just to get through, I'm lucky that when it got bad I had a job and finally the strength to leave. I guess timing is everything. I wish I could give you advice but I would have to be in your shoes to do that and I'm not. I wish you luck and hope you'll find a face to face meeting!
((()) First of all take a few deep breaths and you don't have to make any decisions instantly. When the kids are in bed sit down and look up the social service agencies as suggested or you may be able to email them and get some advice. These people are there specifically to help in these types of situations. You do need help. Your load is very heavy and you don't have to do it all by yourself. There will be people on this board who will have the right contacts if you need them. Keep posting - our hearts are big and our hands are strong to carry you through. Take care Luv Leo xxx
{{{txmomma}}}} oh what stress you must be going through! i wish i could give real hugs out, just as Heartbroken says. i have found here that the words flow from the monitor and all around me and there *are* hugs and support and solid things to lean on, in a fashion.
i left an abusive ex almost 2 years ago, with a 14 month old child, with GERD. nothing compared to your situation! but perhaps if i describe how it happened, it may help. i had a friend in another state, we were close online but had only been f2f a few times over the years. i got up the courage to tell her exactly what my situation was, and she said she was coming down the next day to get me and my daughter and our things! her boyfriend drove his big van down and i packed everything i could cram in there while my ex was at work, and i just LEFT.
it didn't feel real for a few weeks. i kept thinking i'd be going back. i signed up at social services for food stamps, Medicaid, and temporary aid to needy families. i signed up at the food bank to get a box of free food each week. i signed up at WIC to get some free groceries. my friend drove me to each place, i felt like a huge burden to her but she said it was worth it to see us safe. filing for custody and divorce was free, they waived the fees because i was on assistance.
i applied for low-cost housing and it took 19 months to get in, i lived at my friend's house the whole time and that did get very stressful! i had worn out my welcome and still had no vehicle and relied on others to drive me places. i gritted my teeth and held on, i chanted "i will not go back, i will not go back" because the stresses i had after leaving were *nothing* compared to the stresses i had while staying.
every state is different, so i don't know how long it would take you to get social services if you left. you could possibly make a plan, make a list of places you might go (if you stayed local, would your AH stalk you?), call ahead and ask about exactly what aid you would get. it felt humiliating for me to "go on the dole" but i did it for my daughter. we're now in a great apartment, we have good food to eat and i have a boyfriend (he's a sober A) who even though he has problems, manages to help us get to the places we need to go.
it's a small life, i know, but having my own apartment and being able to get good food is so damn comforting. it's empowering too, even though i'm not earning my way. my gratitude for the place i live is huge, i include it all in my daily prayers of thankfulness. i hope any of my words helps.
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To know the darkness is to love the light, to welcome dawn and fear the coming night.
I, too, am a SAHM, who found this board about 2 weeks ago. I was in despair, ready to take our 2 children and leave. I was scared to death, mad as hell, so very confused and felt so alone. I soon found out that I wasn't alone. One of the first things that someone said was "You didn't cause it, you can't change it and you can't cure it"....that really stuck with me. After about 3 days on this board, I calmed down and decided not to make any decisions for 6 months. I felt an overwhelming peace come over me...I began to feel better physically and think more rationally. Only you know what is right for you and your family.
I have began to be able to "detach" myself from some situations. It's hard, trust me, but with the help of this board, it works. Everytime I start to make a comment to my AH, I hear the wisdom of someone on this board, and I catch myself. It really does help. Which avoids an argument...so I'm content, AH is happy, and most of all, the kids are happy. I have yet to attend a f2f meeting, but for now, this board works for me. I still have ALONG way to go and don't know what the future holds for me, but I know I'm not alone!!! And neither are you!!!
