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Had a great day going and detached when ah passed out tonight. I was winding down to go to bed when ah got up again. Now I can't sleep, too late to call anyone (it's about 2am here) and no one is on chat. I started to get very very anxious so I went to bed anyways, deep breathing, some tears - drunk ah is stoneface quiet but body language is confident and arrogant plus clumsy and noisy. Sometimes turns to arrogant or beligerant words but I just get out of the way and stay in the bathroom locked until I hear him snoring again. I get anxious with fear for the unexpected and I am over tired. I did read several entries from ODAT and Courage so a little calmer but I can't sleep. It is very hard to stay focused on where my feet are planted rather than think how I can flee this pain. Always seems to surprise me as it was such a good day and looking forward to a nice evening. So this is setting myself up with expectations. Heard one say at ftf mtg that lowered expectations for future travel prepared her better. Isn't that a sad way to live?
AH attended kid functions with me twice today and took kids shopping too. I have been working hard on getting rid of resentments for the prior 20 years he hasn't done this or so grumpy when he did, I prefered he didn't go but accepted whenever he did for the kids' sakes. Years ago a therapist explained to him that what I said was that I wasn't trying to always make him feel guilty by asking him to attend - I was wanting his companionship to share things with him about the kids. So he came for a little while but didn't want me to talk with him as he was there to see the game or whatever. Not much companionship. Then it was off his radar so I just went and he showed up now & then...... but not enthusiastically so kids could tell. True workaholic and now that plus functional? A too. He finally comes home for a regular supper time now that half of the kids have moved out and the two at home are teens who prefer to stay away from parents......so it is quieter.
I've made some progress about being grateful and letting resentments melt away so that I can appreciate now that he is home for supper and attends kids functions more. But then, I left after lunch to drive some things to a college son and returned after dinner. AH made dinner for kids and stayed with kids at home in the afternoon. I was grateful for the nice day and looking forward to just being with him for once even tho' I was tired when I got home.......sat down to be in the same room with him while he watched endless tv. He gave me a blanket and tv remote and retired to another tv to what I now know is continued drinking. He passed out within an hour and up to drink more at 11pm.
He just went to sleep again, the snoring is the give away. (: This reduces some anxiety right away for me as I feel so responsible for keeping the home safe for the kids. It's like I can't sleep until everyone does. Just figgured out the connection, before we had kids, we had a friend pass out drunk when he got home with a lit cig - his small child woke up to the smoke & alerted the mom so our friend's wife & kids climbed out a 2nd story window down knotted sheets but the house burned down and our friend died in the blaze - horrible memory that gave me this reaction now. sigh
I don't see how I can get enough energy to regain my own health, recovery and sanity. In the recent years I seemed always anxious which has significant physical and emotional side effects. Now as I make some progress with detachment, I get anxious because I am going along ok,not great but ok until I am surprised to see or have things change so quickly from good to bad re ah's actions. There's nothing I can count on and it is wearing me out so very much. End up not sleeping nights so I can sleep away the uncertain days of weekends. I don't like weekends anymore and mornings are long as I never know when he will go to work (has flexibility which is convenient for him, eh?!!) and evenings are filled with more work & tv -------used to pass out every night for a couple years but now things get a little better than crash to worse which throws me.
He has no interest in treatment, AA and states he will not engage in any discussion about these topics. Does anyone see a glimmer of a silver lining in this storm cloud I call my life?
I had just agreed to teach a youth church group with another mom but feel I can't count on myself to be capable with this stress sometimes swirling around me plus leave one kid home evenings with AH or alone when AH travels and it won't work to bring him along. It is so hard to have my own life when I can or maybe can't count on ah - I never let him do night driving with kids.
I just don't see how I can physically keep doing this - I am not a person who yells, I've learned to express anger finally but do it in a calm discussion usually. Kind of a goofy, quiet nature and the ah may or may not want to talk about anything from travel plans to parenting issues. Even if he might get it then he forgets soon. I've been told I minimize things in therapy so I am trying to lay it all out more to get some esh. In length of post, I have sure been successful, thanks for reading all of this if you did. And thanks in advance for any esh you might give as HP, knows, I sure need some. I am at the end of my energy - 9 years of major crisis with kids and ah. I am in horrible shape and I am so very lonely for adult companionship. Thanks for being here where I can at least release all of this...... I will try to sleep now.
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"Choices are the hinges of destiny." Pythagoras You can't change the past, but you can change the future.
(((((((ddub))))))) I could feel your sadness in your post. And your struggle. I'm hoping that the new day - and some sleep - bring you some renewed strength. My A is not in my life - but I remember those days well. Such worry. Such sadness. Such loneliness. Even though I read sadness in your post - I also read a tremendous amount of determination to detach and live your life. No matter how far we've come in the program, there are just those days where we're back to taking baby steps just to get out of bed sometimes. It's good for me to remember that nothing is forever, and if I keep doing what I'm supposed to do, and truly give the rest over to HP, then eventually my load will lighten. One day at a time for sure, ddub. We're all in this together. Take good care of yourself. ~R3
I am sorry you are going through this. But believe it or not, I do see hope in your post and for your life. There is always, always hope. Never give up on that. Yes, there are days, weeks and months it may not seem that way. But it won't always be so. The always rises somewhere. It will shine on you again. The fact that you have agreed to teach a youth group is a great sign. You might be surprised to find that by focusing on them for even an hour or two your demeanor will change. It takes the focus off the A but it also will take the focus in a way off of you for a bit. You won't be able to dwell or think about what is wrong. Instead you will be focusing on them.
Remember baby steps with your recovery. You didn't get to be this way in a week. It took years. So you can't expect to be healed immediately (even though we wish it were so). You're doing better than you realize. As hard as it is try and stay positive. One of the great ways I have found to get rid of resentments is to do something physical. I'm not suggesting run a marathon. I like to get an old piece of wood, a hammer and some nails, and pound the living daylights out of them. Talk about a great stress buster. I can come home mad from work, and take to those nails...... boy how much better do I feel? Those poor nails don't know what's coming at them. Hang in there lady, it will get better. Love and blessings to you and your family.
Live strong, Karilynn & Pipers Kitty
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It's your life. Take no prisoners. You will have it your way.
I am sending you a goosefeathered duvet that you can wrap yourself up in for a while, a cup of hot chocolate and a ginger biscuit. And I am first going to tell you how well you expressed yourself in that post.
Doing that is cathartic and often releases some of the steam and that is what I felt happened as you wrote your story. As you progressed I could hear your sadness, your fear, your exhaustion, however as you got further into it I also heard your hope and your acceptance and a weeny bit of peace as you began to focus on you, your programme, your progress and at the end I was hoping that you had felt a comforting hand of your HP holding you close and granting you the sleep that you so needed to get you through today.
You touched my heart for I could relate to so much in your post and so I just want to tell you that it is possible to find the peace that you seek, the calm and the love and the joy if you keep on LETTING GO and LETTING GOD.
Walk the talk and hang on there. Work towards being able to find a way of doing what you have talked about with the kids at your church. There is nothing so wonderful as working with kids and doing something that makes you feel appreciated and wanted and needed and good.
Keeping you in my prayers and holding you in love as you walk just for today in the light of your own higher power - the God you know.
HeartB
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"The highest form of wisdom is kindness." The Talmund
As someone else said, you have great ability to express yourself.
Reading your post, took me back to the days my husband was actively drinking. My husband did all what your husband is doing now.
You ask if there is hope. I understand the question. After living with my husband for 30 somthing years, I had truly given up all hope. That is, I had no hope that he would ever try to turn his life around. But I did have hope for me.
I left our marriage (we are legally separated, going on 7 months). After 3 weeks of living on his own, he broke down and called a rehab center. I never, ever, ever, ever, thought he would do this. He used to always express his dislike of AA. He had once attended a few after a DUI. Each time he came from a meetings, he expressed how he thought they were all losers and he didn't have anything in common with them. But now, or at least I can say, he currently sees that AA is a blessing. He currently sees how he hurt everyone around him and he hangs his head in shame when he talks about it. I never thought this could happen. Never.
Now, I'm not implying that your husband will get the help he needs. What I would like to convey to you is that there is hope for you to have brighter days. Keep striving for them. You will be shown the way. And remember, when they are actively drinking, they truly are miserable inside. My husband said he hated himself for all he did. But then, he go out to the garage and drink.
Hoping your find some degree of peace, at least for the time being. Stormie
Oh, I just want to hug you! I so undertand that insatiable need to connect and to make things right. I just want to know I hear you and understand your frustration. You need and deserve more than you are getting.
Figuring out how to take care of ourselves can be a daunting task. Since mornings are long for you, is it possible for you to fill that time out of the house doing something for you? I know a number of people who take yoga and they all LOVE it. Or, how about meeting friends for walking and companionship? Join a gym? Wouldn't it be nice for you to get your kids to school and then come home feeling energized and have your ah be gone?
I hope you can figure out a way to help with the youth group if that would bring you more joy than stress. Can your son be dropped off at a friend's house? It can be hard to reach out for help, but I am finding that friends really are willing to help, just like I would be willing to help them out.
I have discovered that by resolving myself to the fact that I must figure out situations on my own, by not counting on my husband for anything, my life is much more peaceful and actually easier. It really is about releasing all expectations. Now when my husband steps up to the plate it is a treat to me and I actually appreciate it, even though I know in my head and heart that it is only a smidgeon of what he should be doing. I take what I can get.
I was talking to one of my best friends the other day and in my pity mentioned that with divorce I felt like my life was over. She responded emphatically that no, my life was just starting, for now I can start living for me and stop babysitting my husband. Wow! What a concept....
You and I both have less than a year in al-anon under our belts. In the groups that I attend, there are many who have multiple years behind them. I have yet to see any of these ladies in despair, and it isn't because their lives are perfect. They give me hope to just keep going and continue to work the program. Time flies even when we're not having fun. Our lives will get better, ddub. We have to believe that.
Love, Lou
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Every new day begins with new possibilities. It's up to us to fill it with the things that move us toward progress and peace. ~ Ronald Reagan~
Sometimes what you want to do has to fail, so you won't ~Marguerite Bro~
always rises somewhere. It will shine on you again. The fact that you have agreed to teach a youth group is a great sign. You might be surprised to find that by focusing on them for even an hour or two your demeanor will change. It takes the focus off the A but it also will take the focus in a way off of you for a bit. You won't be able to dwell or think about what is wrong. Instead you will be focusing on them. 
mad from work, and take to those nails...... boy how much better do I feel? Those poor nails don't know what's coming at them. Hang in there lady, it will get better. Love and blessings to you and your family.
