The material presented
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information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I miss the man he was 5 years ago before he "lost his mind". Maybe he always was the way he is now and I just didn't know. But, 5 years ago, when I was pregnant with baby#3 and he had just started his new career and had just started an affair something within him changed, snapped. The man he was before this "change" was different. Yes, before this "snap" he was abusive, a crack addict and all thay goes along with addiction. But something changed. Maybe it was the progression of the disease, maybe it was the mental illness, maybe it was just him. I don't know but I miss him. I miss the man who was proud to be a father, a husband. A man who loved me and wanted to be a healthy person. My companion, my friend. There was nothing more important to him then us, his family (when he wasn't on a binge) I wonder if it was crack. There was a study a while back that said the only drug known to break the mother-child bond was crack. It can eventually rid the user of all human compassion. It said even heroine addicts, cocaine addicts and alcoholics retain the ability to feel compassion. I see what I did wrong in growing up within the relationship. I was not perfect. I made amends, I still do. But none of what I did, of who I was deserved the things he did. Still, I miss him. I miss our conversations, our love for our kids. It's all gone. That man is gone. The man he became is not even someone I respect. I fear him, I do not respect him. I do not like him. I have no contact with him at all. He does not even see his children. He did not even send them a Christmas card. He sends no support, he sends no love. I do know this man. I fool myself when I say I don't. It is exactly what he did to his first wife and child. I know all to well how his sick mind works. And it hurts all the more because I labored under the deluision that he had changed, had grown. And the reality is he hasn't. But I have. Alot more than I ever thought I wanted to or would. I know I am grieveing. This is hard. This is the dream, gone, my children's future altered forever. My life going in a new direction that I didn't ever plan, or even want. All I wanted was to be married and have a family. I still want to scream that I never wanted to be a single mother. Never. I have gotten 2 calls from AA's on my cell. Both for him. I don't know how they would be calling my cell for him, unless he just ran into them at a meeting and said "give me a call" and the # they had for him was my cell which he was giving out last year before he left again. I ignored them both. I thought of a couple or great things to say but why bother? I have no desire for the drama. I want no part of who he has become. And if it was some sort of set up, I don't want to hear the gossip. My husband would have never done what the man he turned into has done. I don't think. What do I know?
Back to me...focus on myself....let go and let God. I am so grateful for what I have, I truly am. I am blessed. I am on a new path and it doesn't have to be a bad path, it is just different. Time takes time and when I see how far I have come and the changes I have made I do believe I will get thru this also. I don't know what HP's plan is. I can't see the future. I am going to have faith that the world will keep revolving, the sun will rise, money will come in, the children will grow and learn, life continues. Despite me at times. There was something said at church tonight about friends, good friends are there always and brothers are made in a crisis. That is this program. I have made you people my family and that is what we are, made in crisis maybe but family none the less.
It's tough wading thru that swamp!! I remember missing her (my second wife, my alcoholic, my addiction) and I remember having withdrawal symptoms after a while of not having her near me. the symptoms were like those a heroin addict gets coming off of that drug. It was told to me by a fellow Al-Anon member who was an addiction nurse. Go figure!! Heroin addict symptoms. I remember not being able to get to sleep night after night after night because she wasn't with me (my choice) and I would lay in darkness trying to count the holes in the ceiling tiles of my bedroom. Insane behavior at best, LOL. I remember being desperate for being held that I asked my HP to come and lay next to me and hold me. I never have lost sleep like that again ever!! I felt HP's arms encircle me and draw me in and I fell fast asleep. That was only one of many miracles that have happened in my recovery.
When you completely abandon your self to God as your understand God the obcession for the addict and the intense events, feeling, actions and thoughts that you invested in him and your hopes and dreams including a life with him will themself change. Seems like you are on that journey. I pray for your success with it.
I was taught by a 16 year old member of Alateen that "Happiness is an inside job Jerry!", she said with a concerned smile and she handed me responsibility for my own happiness and relieved my alcoholic/addict of the pressure. Then she wove me a friendship braclet from colored threads. How very wonderous, "when I keep and open mind...", that HP will reach in, get my attendion and give me just exactly what I need using whatever and whom ever is at HP's disposal without any resistance at all.
I am glad you are part of this family and I look forward to you coming back.
I'm so sorry you are going through this hard time in your life. I can relate to what yu are feeling. My AH was such a good husband and father before he started drinking again. I really do miss those days. It seems like so long ago to me.
I am able to cope with it a little better since I started with Al-Anon. It really helps me to know I didn't cause this.
I will pray for you and your kids that HP will get you through this.
Love and blessings,
Claudia
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A person's a person no matter how small --Dr Suess
" That man is gone. The man he became is not even someone I respect. I fear him, I do not respect him. I do not like him. "
(((((((((Serendipity))))))))))
Those words are words I have said in the past and I so understand the pain of that realisation. I am will you dear, I am standing by your side and holding your hand and hoping that you can LET GO.
Today is the first day of the rest of your life, the man you started out with has gone, instead a man you hardly recognise stands there before you and he is NOT the man you want in your life. DO NOT BE TEMPTED to stand fast, walk away. Take with you the beautiful memories and walk into the glorious sunset of a rosier future.
It take courage to do it, and it is not an easy task but I encourage you to do it - I am living proof that it is possible to LET GO LET GOD.
I am still sad and mourn my loss, but those days are few. I am still lonely as I realise that my dream was crushed and never came to be. But just for today, [I still can only work on one day at a time] I am at peace with myself, I did my best with what I had and I am surrounded by a wonderful family who accept me as I am, who provide for some of my needs and show me love.
Miracles happen every moment of the day some where in the world. It may not be my turn today to be granted my heart's desire, but that is OKAY too, cos I can rejoice in the fact that someone else is having their miracle happen right now.
Live in HOPE and believe in God and Miracles and LET GO , LET GO, LET GO, and walk with and LET GOD.
You are a very special person and have held me up, now it is time for me to hold you up.
LOVE Heartbroken - who is recovering a little bit more as the days go by. Yippppppeeeee!
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"The highest form of wisdom is kindness." The Talmund
I, too, miss my husband at times. But I DO NOT miss the stranger who came to live in his body when he drank. We had some great times and I treasure those memories. He was a precious man who could not recognize his own beauty due to the lies of the disease. So sad!! He died from the disease in 2000. My lfe has gone on. After working through the grief process my HP has again give me LOVE, JOY, and PEACE. Are all my circumstances as I would like? Of course not! Yet I am free to choose my thoughts and my attitudes. I am also free to choose how I will proceed with the time left for me.
Be very gentle with yourself as you grieve what cannot be. After the grief there is still the possibility of dreams to be fulfilled. There is always HOPE if we choose it.
Heartbroken wrote:Today is the first day of the rest of your life, the man you started out with has gone, instead a man you hardly recognise stands there before you and he is NOT the man you want in your life. DO NOT BE TEMPTED to stand fast, walk away. Take with you the beautiful memories and walk into the glorious sunset of a rosier future.
It take courage to do it, and it is not an easy task but I encourage you to do it - I am living proof that it is possible to LET GO LET GOD.
I am still sad and mourn my loss, but those days are few. I am still lonely as I realise that my dream was crushed and never came to be. But just for today, [I still can only work on one day at a time] I am at peace with myself, I did my best with what I had and I am surrounded by a wonderful family who accept me as I am, who provide for some of my needs and show me love.
Miracles happen every moment of the day some where in the world. It may not be my turn today to be granted my heart's desire, but that is OKAY too, cos I can rejoice in the fact that someone else is having their miracle happen right now.
Live in HOPE and believe in God and Miracles and LET GO , LET GO, LET GO, and walk with and LET GOD.
Heartbroken - what a beautiful post! Very touching and very full of hope. Like Serendipity, I too needed to hear those words. You've helped me "let go" a little more today. Thank you.
Serendipity, As I read your post, I realize, I am not alone.
I, too, am in mourning....missing my husband, even as we are in the middle of a divorce. However, in my case, I can see now, that the disease was present even before we married. For whatever reason, I kept wanting him....and hoping he would see himself (change!) someday. I kept sweeping the bad days under the rug.
Now I can see that I am missing the "illusion" that I had a marriage with this man in the first place. And after 26 yrs, that hurts. I was just as sick. I've learned in the program that our lives mirror back to us what we need to see in ourselves. I wanted him to see himself... But all I can control is that I now work to see myself. Totally sucks. I am a sick codependent.
Because I believe my HP answers prayers, I choose to believe that HP is planning something better for me. Perhaps there will be a new relationship. Maybe not. I am trusting....that by turning my will and my life over to his care....that it will turn out just right. Today, I trust that I am right where I need to be. Like Jerry....I too, lay in bed imagining my HP is embracing me. Embraced by the ultimate partner... who will never deceive me, disrespect or hurt me....I find this very comforting.
Anyway....I'm grateful that I am not alone....I hope you are too.
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The prayer isn't for Higher Power to change our lives, but rather to change us.
I definitely think there is a progression. I think there was also a progression on my part. I became more withdrawn, more depressed, more hopeless. I felt more and more stuck as time went on. When I first learned the A had problems I did not know what to do so I did nothing, that was an option. I could have upped and left (I had resources then) I just didn't know how I was going to manage my loneliness. I certainly saw the A progress. There were moments along the way, he got physically ill. He stopped working, he went into video game addiction, last January he played games all month. For me what is so key is to look at when did I get "lost" in there.
I hear you. I miss my AHsober, our life, our hopes and dreams. I never intended to be in this position at this point in my life. That disease is alive and well. And the thing is that my AHsober is clueless. He thinks that this is the best call for him. Gosh it is so comforting that we are not alone.
But then again, its entirely possible that I pretty much made him up through my own distorted thinking/disease and denial. Its possible I fabricated him. Its possible I married some kind of chop shop image wholly of my making.
I cannot ever underestimate the high high level of denial that my disease brings to every daily occurance, every interaction, etc. with every single person I come into contact with. I cannot underestimate how distorted my thinking and perceptions can be. I need to stop and check often and I do.
I just wish he would stop blaming me, yelling at me, complaining, just put a lid on even a fraction of the negativity, the tantrums, the demands, the refusal to accept anyone or anything. He is so miserable. I work hard not to turn into being miserable also- thank god for this program. J.
But then again, its entirely possible that I pretty much made him up through my own distorted thinking/disease and denial. Its possible I fabricated him. Its possible I married some kind of chop shop image wholly of my making.
Ha! I've often thought that myself!!! I wonder if he showed up at my doorstep tomorrow (no - don't go there...), if I would recognize him at all. I've managed to shine the memory of him up a good bit, I'm sure. Denial Denial Denial
It's amazing to me how I relate so well to the thoughts and feelings of you all - from all parts of the world. You are not alone. Go easy on yourself. It is okay to miss him. It is okay to grieve. And it is okay to move on. Sending you support and Love...
. There was something said at church tonight about friends, good friends are there always and brothers are made in a crisis. That is this program. I have made you people my family and that is what we are, made in crisis maybe but family none the less.
