The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I feel slightly lost in the whole concept of detachment. I understand that alcoholism is a disease. I also understand that I can't control it, and that it is not my fault, and there is absolutely nothing I can do to change it. I guess the point at which I feel lost is the point where I start thinking, what's the point? Am I inherently masochistic? It doesn't feel good being with someone who I have to detach from. What's the point of being with someone I have to detach from? I want a relationship where if the person is hurting, I can be their support system, and in doing so actually making a difference. I don't want to be in a relationship where I am wondering if he is drinking. Sure, wondering doesn't change anything. But it's still there!
My A came home from work last night (bartending) and was chewing gum. And my thought instantly goes to whether or not he is trying to hide something from me. My first thought isn't the fact that he has just quit smoking. It goes straight to drinking....it's that lack of trust in him.
I do, to a degree, understand the idea that I need to detach from the alcoholic behaviors, and not take them personally. But the idea of being with someone I can't trust? Forget it! Detaching doesn't create trust. The lying is part of the disease, okay, but why bother being with someone who I don't trust? Someone who is going to have a disease, for the rest of their life, which will leave me questioning their actions, for the rest of my life? Why do that when there are plenty of people out there who I could give my love to? I'm a firm believer that there is more than one person out there that I, or any one else, could work with. I don't believe in one true soul mate. I believe that any relationship can work if two people are willing to do what it takes to make it work. So why am I with someone who I have to "detach" from in order to make it work? Is detaching, by definition, "two people are willing to do what it takes to make it work?"
Maybe detaching happens in any relationship, alcoholic or not. I don't know, maybe it's just easier to detach from some things than others.... like, my uncle is a neat freak, and my aunt is really laid back, so is her detaching from his need to have everything "just so" just an easier thing to detach from than me detaching from my A's disease?
I've typed the word "detach" so many times it looks funny to me now.
Maybe you wrote it so much that you really detached! I have heard that detachment is setting boundaries. For myself detachment is staying out of everyone else's business except my own.
Some people can stay in a relationship with an alcoholic, detach, and still be reasonably happy.
Personally, I wasn't one of them.
There is no rule book that states you have to stick it out with them or you have to leave.
You have to do what is right for you.
I divorced my A, and now that I've been through the grind with my oldest daughter who's an active A, I've detached emotionally AND physically from her too.
I can live with those decisions.
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"If a dog will not come to you after having looked you in the face, you should go home and examine your conscience." - Woodrow Wilson
I guess through typing that I realized a couple things by the time I was done. Like I said at the end, maybe detachment happens in any relationship, in order for it to work. Maybe sometimes it's just harder than others. No matter who I am with there will more than likely be at least one or two things they do that drive me bonkers. For example, I dated a guy for a while who was a complete germaphobe, like he kept a stack of little paper cups next to the toothbrushes so he could set one on his toothbrush because he didn't want the germs in the air from flushing the toilet to get on it. He'd run to the bathroom immediately after we were intimate so he could wash his hands. Dealing with that would require some sort of detachment I think. No one is perfect, and I guess accepting anyone's flaws can be done through detachment. Some things are just harder for some people to deal with than others, I guess.
Which brings me back to the whole masochism thing. I chose to be in a relationship with an alcoholic, over a guy who came back to bed with cold, clammy, albeit clean, hands. Why do I do it? I don't know. But I'm still here. And for the most part, I'm happy.
My A has been sober for almost 2 years now. And I wonder if it would be easier to detach if he were drinking. Maybe that sounds weird. But I don't know, I guess my A has been sober for so long and I am so hopeful that he will stick with it, that it's hard to separate myself from it.
I understand and relate to this as I wondered the same thing. It was hard to detach after 26 yrs of a codependent marriage, but my active A has since left me and we are in the middle of a divorce.
As I was reading your post, I agree that we have to keep a cool detachment from everyone. My experience is that I need to focus on my relationship with myself and my Higher power. That's a full-time job. I think that OUR disease is our obsession with others and we need to shift that to an obsession (if you will) to HP's presence with us. And then, follow the guidance. In my case, even as I was wondering as you do, "what's the point"....HP brought me out of the relationship. I made a decision to turn my will and my life over to His care....and I didn't fight it as I've done in the past. I agreed to take care of Me.
For what it's worth, DETACH... Don't Even Think About Changing Him. That's a reminder for me to focus on myself. Start a relationship with myself and forget about the rest. Just for today, I am content with the ultimate partner....Higher Power. It's all new to me. But I am trusting Him....and trusting the program.
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The prayer isn't for Higher Power to change our lives, but rather to change us.
Hi Kiki... I'm a fellow Michigander! I, like tenderheartsks, couldn't detach and live with my AH either. He did things that directly affected me and my life. He stole from me and lied to me ...I could not detach from that. I couldn't live with someone I didn't trust. I had to hide my purse and everything else I had that was valuable. I left him so that I could live a better life... and it worked for me!
Artygirl
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Life is not about waiting for the storm to pass, it is about learning to dance in the rain.
well for me personally detaching wasn't all about denial. Detaching was all about admiitting I was in deep deep trouble. When I first detached from the A and admitted I was powerless over his behavior it was a huge moment. I admitted he was absolutely out of control and I could not do much about it.
Then I used the tool of detachment as a way to focus on what I needed to do. Could I say I wasn't affected by the A's behavior then, certainly not. I was however not paralyzed.
I think there is room for the rage, grief, negotiation that may go on for some of us with detachmnet. My whole life did not hinge around what he did next. My life became my own to live regardless of whether I was with him or not. I began to set limits. I would still be with the A but I limited my exposure to lots of stuff. I decided what I could and could not deal with. I looked at what my options were. Before my options were catastrophe or another kind of catastrophe. Eventually I began to see with the help of many people on this board I had options. I was not put on the earth to save the A from himself. I deserved a life.
I don't really agree that detachment means compromise, its a very very active tool for me. I also don't think it means not making a decision, I made a very active decision to focus on me and what I needed. After that there were other decisions but the detachment came first. I had to put the A's welfare, life, well being, financial status, health all of that back in his court. Of course I was very much concerned about them but I began to listen when other people (like Carolina girl suggested is this your bag?). I began to see that I owed myself more. Before there was no boundary between my anger, my rage, my grief and my totally out of control frustration in dealing with the a. Detachment gave me that boundary and I could structure my life around that and more to another kind of structure in living.
My ESH is that detachment has to happen hand-in-hand with acceptance.
I think I get what you are saying: its like well we detach, detach and detach some more and then find we are pretty much detached like out into the next state/county!!! Like how much do we have to detach for gods sake?!! And if all we do is keep detaching is there nothing to attach to? Is attachment not an option for us?
I guess that I am finding that I am attaching to my HP and my al-anon groups and myself (kind of in that order). But isnt a marriage supposed to be about being somehow emotionally attached to this person you decided to spend your life with? I am really questioning this myself right now. I have no answers of course. Its just that I find I have to detach SO much, I do not even want to have any kind of contact or conversations with him at all! J.
