The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
First, let me say thanks for all who respond to my posts. I know I haven't been able to contribute much to you all while my personal laptop is STILL getting worked on! Yes, STILL! Anyway, wanted to write quickly to update you on current situation. A did get arrested in another county for DUI by consent- had girl driving his car. However, for whatever reason they did not see the warrants from our county- go figure- and he is bonding out today. However, his mom called me at 1:30 this morning crying, etc. She knows nothing about Alanon and up until this point has been in severe denial- now the anger is coming through. Anyway, she supposedly is driving 3 hours today and taking him to a rehab- now they haven't actually talked to this rehab, etc. Just planning to show up and also when he was saying he would go he was still in jail. I don't know what has happened yet today as I am REALLY trying to detach here. I think I am the only one she can vent to and I have unfortunately been becoming codependent with her issues- trying to rescue her now as well. Go figure. She even ask me to drive with her today- which I told her I could not do as I am a single parent who gets no child support from her son. Usually she acts so reasonable I was shocked that she felt the need to call me in the middle of the night and even more shocked that she would ask me to go with her today. I told her I would bring her some books on addiction,etc. I want to be supportive and part of me wants to take "credit" for rescuing and taking care. It feels good. I am trying to acknowledge this to myself and let it go and let them go. Thanks so much for this outlet. I know I have only been logging on for a few weeks but the support I feel here has already impacted the decisions I make- knowing I have people who understand.
What is hard for me is to stay out of Karpmans. That is either I am rescuing, feeling victimized by or wanting to punish people I am feeling codependent with. I particularly find myself wanting to do that when people remind me that some of my behaviors have been awful. I rescued my roommate on a number of occasions (not that she hasn't rescued me), over stepped lots of boundaries and then resent her for it. So I have to be in response super scrupulous with boundaries. How much time am I spending with certain people? Do I have a lot of residual feelings afterwards. How do I deal with it? How do I manage? How do I move on from this. I know one way not to move on is to have huge confrontations and to try to "fix" them. I know some of the fixing is because I fear rejection, isolation and being disappointed. the truth is for me that I'm disappointed its taken me so long to get out of this codependent morass.
I can also of course be super human being and think I can do it all when I can't. I've very vulnerable, isolated and I have my own needs.
For me this stuff is diffcult now but its so so so so much better than just being overinvolved then becoming toxic with resentment then going into depression and not ever knowing what I'm doing wrong. I have a clue now. I have a need to move on and be in better relationships. None of this is fixed overnight, its a journey.
Sounds like you are making progress. Sometimes I think that when we name it we take the power out of it. Gosh if I lost my laptop I would lose my recovery program. Hope it gets fixed soon.
