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I just dropped my grandbaby off to his mother following our second Wednesday night visitation routine. Last week was awful; she didn't let me drop him due to boyfriend being at her house. Today she said I could drop him; obviously boyfriend not there tonight.
Son came for visit. I had told him don't come angry or upset about anything or just don't come over. He has been in total chaos due to this new man living most of the time at his former home and being around his son. This past weekend was total and utter nasty chaos from him. I am sure he did his share of phoning EX because he said she threatened him with cops. We have stopped discussing it and I told him I was NOT going to be part of this and have done fairly well.
Tonight I made a good family-style meal. We were at the table. The grandbaby was eating well, chatting away. All had gone OK. Out of the blue he said "Want to see Mama, go to Mama's house, go to sleep. Want to see _______ (here he inserted quite clearly the name of the boyfriend). It was a pure knife into all of our hearts. How could it not be? What to say? I said nothing. My husband said nothing. My son got up from the table and left the house immediately...no goodbyes, nothing. I think he uttered something like "well, there it is..." I managed to finish the meal and the evening and then took little guy home to her. I didn't say anything; we seldom really talk anyway except when she is telling me what to do when and how. Just works better to keep shut up.
So what is one to think and do. How do you listen to your little grandchild want to go see another man who has been at his home for a number of weeks now....overnights. Why oh why can't woman just date? Why must the children be made a part of the scene at the home? I just don't understand. I know I will be told by some that this is none of my business. OK...I accept that. I understand. But how can I stand the deep pain. I would like to hear from some of you who have divorced your A's and have new boyfriends; how do you handle it with all the parties involved in the children's lives? It may not be our business but certainly we have concerns where our children and grandchildren are part of it.
I remember the first time this happened to me. I have been divorced since 2000. My kids were 1 and 2 years old at the time. He got a girlfriend 2 weeks after i told him to leave our home and introduced her to my children a month later. He went far and even got the children to tell me about meeting her for the first time. I was quite shocked. They got to know her and started talking about her all the time. And to be honest it was a knife in the heart to hear it for the first time after being separated not that long before her. Someone else gaining the love of my kids.
The day my kids asked me if they were allowed to love her was like another knife in my heart. Because they were young ,they said " mommy is it ok if i love her" If it makes you mad i dont have to" I told her that God gave us enough room in our hearts to love alot of people and that it was ok to love her. He isnt with her anymore . Kids dont understand whats going on. They adust to what we bring to them. I guess we handle it by accepting things for what they are, see reality for what it is. I didnt do the best job of that either. If its any consolation, my kids always knew who thier mother was and i wasnt replaced by her as i feared. Feel what we feel and then let it go so we can move on to another phase in life.
kerry
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Life can only be understood backwards, But it must be lived forwards
Thank you, Kerry....just got off the phone with son. I made myself stay shut up and listened to him chuck it up for over an hour. I am exhausted. His first words were: Mom, I know _______ (son) is just an innocent little boy. He didn't know what he was saying. That was about the only logical thing he said in the whole hour.
I now will sit down for the rest of the evening and try to let my mind let go of this. I am so exhausted and have told my son once more that I absolutely will no, can not be in the midst of his chaos with his EX. I think eventually he will let her go from his heart. But somewhere something has to change where visitation is concerned. It is so complicated with the background involved.
I know what I do is to process how I feel and keep processing it till I get a distance. I also know that there were some things that nearly killed me. I did not have children but what the ex did with our pets was too much for me. I nearly totally exhausted myself with worry and fear about his behavior. I think this stuff can be killer, so one has to detach. I know it about did me in.
Keep processing your fear, anger, grief and have it contained. For some of us it doesn't end it just becomes more manageable. I know the day will come when I hear the ex is either dead or in jail, he has no other recourse. That is where he is headed. I don't look for it but I know the day is coming. The big thing for me is not to take it personally.
((((omajoy))))) I'm sorry you're going through all of this. Understand that this little boy is dealing with a world that's been put before him. My wonderful departed mother had a saying that I keep in mind. She always said, "If you make a big deal out of something, it will be a big deal." And your situation with your grandson at dinner, makes me think of that. As he grows older, he'll become aware that his mom's living arrangements (and if it's not with this guy, it will be with another one) are some "BIG DEAL" and it will set off alarms with him.
My husband and I divorced some years ago (he's not the A in my life). He became involved with another woman a few months later and, for my son's sake, I played it very cool and was welcoming to this woman. (Admittedly it wasn't hard, as she was a nice woman.) My son picked up my cues - as children do. What could have been a contemptuous, jealous situation (on my part) and that would have elevated my son's stressors, became a low-key, even amicable situation.
I saved the crying and "shaking-my-fist-at-God" moments for when my son wasn't around.
It's probably too new and too raw for this now, but in the future, you can be glad of another adult in the child's life that he cares for (since he asks for him, I would guess he does). It's true, no child can have too much love, too many people caring for him. It's hard not to be jealous and pained, but really, for the child's sake, it is much better that he like this new boyfriend than dislike or fear him.
Have you processed any of this trough with a sponsor? it sounds like this would be great 4th step material. another thing I think needs to be looked at is this isn't about you. none of this is about you. it's between your son and her.
I feel so for this totally innocent child who is in the middle of all this chaos. This boy has gotten to know his mother's boyfriend, and obviously likes him, which speaks well of the boyfriend. I would be more upset if the child reacted badly or frightened at the prospect of seeing the boyfriend. This dear child is the most important player in this drama; not Dad, not Mom, and not grandparents. If he is being well-taken-care-of, let the rest of it fall into place where it may.
Diva
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"Speak your truth quietly and clearly..." Desiderata
I know the pain of another person being involved in your grandchild's life. I, however, have a very good relationship with my ex dil. I don't even like to call her EX. She remarried quite quickly after her and A son's divorce. The new husband wrote a letter to my son before the marriage. He told him that he would never try to take his place and that his daughters will always know who their father is. He knows how much his girls love their father. He also has 2 sons that are being raised by another man so he understands the situation. My son and his ex have a very good relationship (which I am forever grateful) The kids are their #1 priority. My son is still not allowed to drive the children anywhere as he is still active. I agree with this decision that they have come to. My husband and myself bring them to my house every other weekend. Son and his girlfriend visit them there. They really like my son's girlfriend, as do I. She really helps son with taking care of them and playing with them when they are visiting. We go to the movies, bowling and take vacations all together. The girls have never really questioned the fact that Nana and Pop-Pop are always there but when the times comes that they do, we will explain in their language.
I have also been to ex dil's house to spen the night since she has been married, It was somewhat awkward but I will go through anything to keep things normal for my babies. New husband brought me a vase of fresh cut flowers to thank me for coming to stay with the girls while they went on vacation. I guess I cannot ask for anymore than that with the situation the way it is.
I find your situation absolutely amazing, Gailey. Cannot imagine it but glad for you.
I have written four different replies this morning, but all sound incredibly stupid and pitying myself. So am going to suck it up and shut it up. This, too, shall pass someday. If not, I have to continue to suck it up and shut it up. That is reality. I cannot control anything, not even myself at this point.
My concern too is with the child. If his father continues to walk out on him everytime he innocently mentions a name...sooner or later he is going to take on the guilt and think he has done something wrong. The child will only know his father walked out on him and he seemed angry because of what the child said.
All adults involved have the option of feeling the hurt yet moving forward would be a great goal. Acceptance of what is... isn't always what we want to face but reacting poorly sure won't better anything. I understand your son is hurt, that's inevitable, but divorce means she is no longer his wife. It seems to me he is reacting not just out of hurt but mostly jealousy and control. If he is calling her enough on the weekend for her to threaten to call police he obviously is creating drama for himself. His choice, unfortunately. You may be seeing a bit of the reason they aren't married anymore. There's always two sides and we as mothers we hardly ever choose to think our children are anything but innocent. I'm not saying that's what you are doing. I'm just saying that's the natural order of things.
We can't force people to see that what they do creates much of the upheavel they have in their lives. It's something they have to discover themselves. Different choices create different results.
You are doing a great job omajoy, by just staying out of it. Telling your son to not bring his drama to you not only keeps your stress lower but may also help him see that his reactions may be harmful to himself and others.
That's an extra benifit of detaching. It leaves the other person and their behavior alone (when they can't suck you in) and just maybe they will take the opportunity to look in the mirror.
Christy
-- Edited by Christy at 10:33, 2008-01-17
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If we think that miracles are normal, we will expect them. And expecting a miracle is the surest way to get one.
Any phone conversations with my oldest active A daughter these days are short, and few and far between.
I have a choice to stay on that phone and listen to her incessant negativity or end the phone call.
She finally realized I was no longer her personal dumping grounds, and when she does call, it's usually to let me know where she's living (she moves around like a nomad).
She's had numerous men in her life ever since her estranged husband divorced her. Thank God the father has custody of my grandchildren, though that's not a healthy situation either. However, it's the lesser of two evils.
So the kids have limited exposure to whatever boyfriend she has at the time.
On the rare occasion I do have the grandchildren, I focus on loving them all that I can, and not on things I have no control over.
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"If a dog will not come to you after having looked you in the face, you should go home and examine your conscience." - Woodrow Wilson
You really are doing great. Putting up boundaries and sticking to them is wonderful. I would also like to suggest that you look for an Alanon sponsor. I know you have had a really hard time getting to meetings, but please keep trying. They are such a valuable part of this program.
I was thinking the same thing as Christy that it is very hurtful of your son to do that to his little boy. I have much experience with my AH whose biggest weapon was withholding affection when he wanted to punish someone for something he did not like. Doing this to a small child is unacceptable. It is unbelievably hurtful.
Keep doing what you are doing. You are really starting to put the tools to use with this program.
In recovery,
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~Jen~
"When you come to the edge of all you know you must believe in one of two things... there will be earth on which to stand or you will be given wings." ~Unknown
I have to be fair to my son here. He didn't punish his child in any way. When his little boy uttered the boyfriend's name, etc., he looked shocked, got up from the table quickly, kissed him on the head, and said something like "well, there it is..." and went on. The grandbaby just kept eating and chatting; he didn't really seem to notice. HIs visits with his Dad are so few and far between anyway; I guess he doesn't miss him much. His mother tells me "if you think for one minute he (the child) asks for his daddy, you are sadly mistaken."
Yes, I am sadly mistaken, but I don't believe there was any intentional punishment in any way to the baby. He didn't want to let him or us see him break down. He is terribly sad.
