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I need some advice. As I have posted in a previous post, my husband's drinking has caused him to have some legal problems, being that we are in a small town, lots of people know so it's only a matter of time before MIL finds out.
I know how this is going to go when she finds out, she will harp on him about his drinking and family and that he has a problem and so on. Then she will turn to me and in no uncertain terms tell me "I need to do something about him", or if he don't change "then he don't love me and the kids enough and I need to leave him for the kids sake". Now keep in mind this is the same woman who would leave her children home while she went to the bar (years ago) and or during AH's early 20's would show up at parties with people his age that she worked with. What do I say to her??? I am doing what I can right now to hold my family together....I don't need to hear it from her.
Then on the other side is my parents...whom will pass judgement just for the fact that I am their little girl and these are their only grandchildren. BUT.....I can remember MANY nights of going to pick up Dad at a coffee house because he had been pulled over and they were letting him go. Times/Laws were different back then.
Boy that's a tough one. In one way I am lucky because my FIL is a recovering alcoholic. I can remember telling him at one point that I told AH to leave. He was loving and supportive of me. I am not sure how my parents would have reacted if they were alive. I know my sister and some of my friends don't understand why I hang in there with him. But I've managed to make it clear to both that it is my life and I have to live it for me. AH is a chronic relapser and he has had fair amounts of sobriety under his belt. I just have to believe that he will find his way. My sister's husband is also an addict and I'm not always sure whether or not he's using. She has no desire to go to Alanon. That's her choice. I guess what it comes down to, is that only you can do what is best for you and your children. If they don't respect that, then so be it. Like an addict you can't control them and their reactions to all of this. All you can do is prepare for what's ahead and keep taking care of you. Hopefully they will see that and eventually come around to support you in whatever decision you make. Love and blessings to you and your family.
Live strong, Karilynn & Pipers Kitty
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It's your life. Take no prisoners. You will have it your way.
Well my former AH"s mother was either in denial or over involved. There was no inbetween. I had a lot of feelings when I had to deal with her. I eventually got to contain them. I don't think there is a formula. I also know that I really really work these days not to obsess on the A whoever it is that I have to deal with. Sometimes that is very hard. What can you do to take care of yourself around this. How can you boost yourself up so that when someone dumps on you you are prepared. One is to do a lot of detaching. Remember this is the A's issue, not yours. I know for me I was always hopeless overinvolved with the A.
Why not lead them to alanon? You can pick up some of the pamphlets for parents at your f2f.
Most of what they say will be reaction to their fear and upset at what is happening - if you keep that in mind you may be able to handle the fact that not everything they say will be helpful. They are as affected by this disease as you are, and as likely to not always do the right thing. They may be afraid to or unable to focus their fear and anger on the right source, and will take things out on you just because you're there. Keep your boundaries, don't allow yourself to be abused, but remember that they are in pain too.
My inlaws threw a party when my ex ended his sobriety and I wasn't invited. My MIL even told ex to get off the fence...be a crackhead or not, just decide. She gave him money for drugs but didn't have time or money for me to feed the kids or buy diapers because ex had yet againg drained the account. I tossed my inlaws. They are no good for me or my kids. Love and blessings to them. It hurts but detatching hurts sometimes. You do what you need to do. Who cares what the inlaws say or do. They don't sound like they have any wisdom at add.
"I'm sorry you feel that way, but that's a decision for [husband's name here] to make." "Actually, that's not something that's any of your business." "This is something that's private and within our family. If you want to talk about it further, you need to talk to [husband's name]." "I don't allow people to talk to me in the way you are right now. If you'd like to talk to me, the way this conversation is going has to end or change now." "I don't permit bullying, manipulating, or any other type of behavior in my home. If this is going to continue, you're going to need to leave for the day." "It sounds like you seem to feel like I have control over [husband's] drinking. I'm sorry you feel that way."
It is my opinion, based on my experience, that people who are under the false belief that I have power in these situations over certain people that doesn't exist (and, seriously, who got drunk and got the DUI?). Therefore, use the pyramid approach: "I'm sorry you feel I have control over [husband's] drinking. Ultimately, though, it's his decision if he wants to do something about it." "I believe I've made it clear that [husband] is responsible for his drinking. I'm not going to negotiate my feelings from this point." "I'm going to say this one more time. The drinking is my husband's problem and his responsibility. If you continue to [say exactly what she is saying to you] I will ask you to leave and not come back for the remainder for the day. Your [bullying, manipulating, guilting, shaming, coldness, maliciousness, hatefulness] needs to stop NOW. Have I made myself explicitly clear?" "It's clear that you're not listening to me. You're going to have to leave now. Please don't come back the rest of the day. Please don't call the rest of the day. Please call to morrow when you'd like to come. I've made it explicitly clear that if you are upset with [husband's] drinking, you need to discuss it directly with him, and not to mistreat me in the mean time. However, until you understand this, you need to leave. Here's your coat, your purse, and have a nice day. Good bye!"
The next day, when they come, she may try to guilt you, or shame you, or whatever. Don't let her. Don't go there. You've stated the case, and that's that. If she resists, or is staying at your house, put her up in a hotel, and pay for it. This is your house. Don't let her presence hold you hostage. Don't let the town gossip frighten you from taking responsibility for your needs. Lastly, don't let her using your children give her liscensure for abusing you. Her son is not her responsibility. He was charged with the DUI. Not her. Not you. And if she still won't budge, send her to AA. Tell her we wait all day for codependents like her. We gossip about them.
Others have suggested what you could say, but I say, don't borrow trouble. See to this situation when and if it happens. Conversations never unfold according to a hypothetical pre-written script. At the end of the day you must do what is best for you and your dear children. Meanwhile be careful not to judge MIL's actions of years ago.
I wish you well,
Diva
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"Speak your truth quietly and clearly..." Desiderata
Hi there , nicley remind MIL that he drank long before he met you , and that there is nothing u can do about him . And as for your parents , when I finally told mine what was going on ,thier first reaction was come home u don't have to put up with that crap. I told them that I was going to Al-Anon and was ok and that I was going to stay in the relationship and I asked them to support my decission . I also never told them anything that was going on here at home easiest way to avoid unwanted advice and also makes it easier for the A if he decides to seek sobriety any time in the future . I had my sponsor and al anon friends to share the nasty stuff with didn't have to let parents know what was happening . If your not already attending meetings for yourself I hope u will consider doing so in the near future . Dont worry about the anonymity , it's a safe place to share and as u already stated , m ost people already know about the trouble he is in . Al-Anon is about you for you . Your worth the effort . Louise
