The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I will not call him. I will not email him. He's a grown man and can take care of himself. We are legally separated, and I am not responsible for him....
When he didn't call me on Tuesday (I had said I would take him shopping), I did a little research and found he'd been arrested Monday night for disturbing the peace (at a bar), resisting arrest and assault and battery of a public employee (I'm guessing a cop). He called and let me know he was out and okay on Tuesday afternoon (30 second call); I just said. fine. I don't know if he got back into the homeless shelter he's been living at. He said he'd call later - of course, he didn't. He called me from someone else's phone today and left a message. I returned the call and left a message with the phone number he requested. Nothing more, nothing less.
I will not call him. I will not email him. He's a grown man and can take care of himself. I am not responsible for him. I have to repeat this to myself whenever the urge to check on him pops up. I've got plenty of work to do taking care of myself and three kids - I really don't need a fourth "adult child". Time to get back to work.
LMW, nice work!! You are doing a great job working your program. It inspires me greatly and I am so glad to read about this, this am as I have been on a real nice serenity ship for several weeks with no interest in calling. emailing, etc. and suddenly this insane NEED pops up its ugly head and there I am right next to you saying the exact same thing over and over. It works if you work it and we gotta work it cause WE ARE WORTH IT. Knowing you are right next to me doing the same thing really helps. Hugs, J.
OMG I'm having a flashback to a year and a half ago. Are you with my husband? You could be me, no joke, three kids and all. Husband in jail and in the shelter. You must be my bizarro world twin? Don't worry, the more you detach and don't talk to him the easier it gets. It took me a while to realize that there are women out there who would never even consider the possibility of their man going to jail! You are VERY strong! I said this exact same thing about the 4th child about 18 months ago when I first moved out.
What you are doing is the most loving thing you can do for him. Let him make his own choices. Let him pull himself up. Let him see that he has the ability, he can do it. That is real love. It is inspiring. Stay strong, I know for me it was so very hard to stay out of the drama. I was addicted to the drama. I hate it today. I figure my 3 kids will supply me with enough drama as the years go by. I am sorry you are going thru this, I know how hard it is. Good job ((((lmw))))
Detach, detach, detach... I had a weak moment and checked the police log online for yesterday. He was taken into PC last night, so spent another night in jail (no wonder his phone was dead.) I've got to get him out of my head. He hasn't called again today and I have no idea where he'll spend the night tonight. It's supposed to go down around 2 degrees, and knowing T, he left the shelter on Monday without his winter coat and gloves....
I must detach. I must detach. I must detach. Rinse and repeat.
CG - I'm sure he's not yours - I've had him for 10 years now. Thought he'd hit his bottom last year when he totalled his car and spent New Years at the ACI three months after I left. But after 8 months of sobriety, he's back to it again.... ah, well - I didn't cause it, I can't control it and I sure as heck can't cure it.
Got to get the kids ready for bed - they're going in on time tonight! Thanks for being here, everyone.
The A who I was with got to this point this year. I found it totally annihiliating to be involved with him. I had to detach or go under. I know exacly where you are coming from. I used to try to check up on him. I don't now. As far as I know he is housed (with relatives), alive that's it. I used to have to know where he was. Now I don't. I try to keep really really really really busy.
Detaching with love is a suggestion, not a requirement. And, you know, it's okay to be angry. I would recommend that writing would help here. Write a letter of all the things you want to say to him, no censoring. Then, drop it in your god box. Give it to god. Give it to god.
I totally relate. He keeps emailing, even when we are not even on good terms. Seems like he needs the connection...to me........to the world. I feel sympathy and write back jeez
