The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
It was good to finally put my thoughts down and receive all those heartfelt replies. Where would I be without Alanon. I can't wait for my next meeting. I told my AH the other day(trying to be honest) that I didn't like him anymore. I don't know if that is a wrong thing to say or what but he hasn't spoken to me since. I didn't mean to hurt him. Whenever something happens that upsets him or I do something to offend him he goes into "cave mode" until I go and get him out with lots of pleading and apologies. Now I just leave him till he's ready to come out. He has not come home tonight, it is the third day that we haven't spoken. I hate these times. No matter how much I practise slogans, pray or find something else to do, I always feel sick and worried that this time he has gone and killed himself. I have felt like this many times in 13 years. I hate this feeling, can't concentrate because in the back of my mind I'm imaging him doing it. I feel incredibly sorry for him and know that he is miserable, but he'll have good old miss al. K. Hol with him and he'll be off his face by now so he's not alone. This horrible feeling will be there until I hear gravel crunching in the driveway. Then everything will be okay again. Until next time. He's probably around the corner having a great old time with a booze buddy. Why do I think like this? I wish I could not feel sometimes. When I am angry, I just wish he'd do it. Then when I am like this I am screaming inside "nnnnoooooooooo!!!!"
You know silverbrumby, it is fine being honest however there are consequences to that. Telling someone you do not like them is pretty hard for anyone to take and your AH is already very vulnerable.
Now I am not saying you were wrong to tell him that, it depends on why you told him, how you told him and what you expected him to do on hearing that.
Sometimes, we are so hurting that we just want them to hurt too, however, in my opinion it is like giving them an excuse to run for cover - their cover being the booze to blot out the hurt and the undesirable. Whilst you may have felt relief from expressing your feelings, you now have greater distress suffering the consequences of expressing your feelings.
If you are to express your feelings you need to prepare yourself to change your response to his reactions. It is wrong to expect him to change his response to your words. You can only change YOU. I wonder if, deep down, you were hoping to CHANGE him.
Until you get the concept that YOU CAN ONLY CHANGE YOU, you will see NO CHANGE in either of your reactions.
I am wondering, if you still LOVE him, but do not LIKE the alcoholic him, then perhaps that needs to be clarified for both of you to understand the message that you sent out or what he understood your message to be. Now that is something to contemplate. You can still LOVE someone even if you do not LIKE them. I LOVE my daughter but do not LIKE her because of what she is doing.
If I were you I would examine my motives for saying this to him and my expectations and then I would focus on ME and try to be honest with myself about the reason I said this, how I said this, and what I expected or how it might have be misinterpreted. I would even ponder if it was part of a self-perpetuating cycle of - I say this - he does that - and therefore am I enabling him to run to his safety net? What is my part in his reaction to run and be silent and seek solace in his booze buddy.
Love in recovery.
Heartbroken.
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"The highest form of wisdom is kindness." The Talmund
I would just like to add the slogan, "say what you mean, mean what you say, but don't say it mean."
Also, I make it a point to NEVER talk about anything with my AH while I am hungry, angry, lonely, or tired (HALT). A highly charged atmosphere only makes everything worse for both of us. I find that once I take time for myself to calm down and think through my motivations and my true feelings, I can make a rational decision about whether it is worth talking over, and what I hope to get out of the conversation. I would say that 99% of the time I realize that I have worked through the feelings and my only motivation for saying something would be to make sure he knows he made me feel bad. He hates himself enough already when he is acting alcoholically, he doesn't need me piling on too.
Keep coming back, it works if you work it! Babysteps
we think like we do because we have become partners in the dysfunction; we are sick like the alcholic. only instead of participating in the alcholism, we participate in the insanity. this is where the 12 steps come in. it is our job to take care of ourselves by working the steps with a sponsor via the literature. when you are ready, I suggest you find somoene in the program that will take you though the steps, and you will find the healing and peace you are seeking.
Okay.... a challenge to everyone on this board..... Would every one who has NEVER said anything hurtful or that they may have later regretted to their A's please take a step forward?? Hmmm... thought so.... :)
Your post is a prime example of WHY we need recovery, Al-Anon, this board, support within recovery, etc., etc.... Bottom line is you (we) feel this way cuz our focus is on the alcoholic, and we put their needs/lives first, well above our own.... Our "recovery" is re-learning to prioritize ourselves, and to stop confusing concepts like "self-care" with being "selfish".
I'm pretty sure that close to 99% of the people here (i.e. in your shoes) feel pretty much the same way when living with active alcoholism - that we don't like that person much anymore..... sometimes the truth hurts, but the reality is that WE feel more pain from these comments than they do.... their sickness will use these comments as an excuse to feel sorry for themselves, and perhaps even an illegitimate excuse to use/drink, etc.
In my opinion, the true value of our recovery isn't that it teaches us what we should or shouldn't do as far as our A's are concerned - it teaches us healthy behaviors for US, so that we can get back to living our lives, and (egad) actually enjoying our lives.
Please don't be too hard on yourself..... one of my favoritie slogans was always "I did the best I could with what I knew at the time". Remember part of the Al-Anon opening, that reminds us that "living with addiction is more than most of us can handle on our own.....".
Keep reaching out... keep sharing.... keep up your meetings..... you are definitely on the right path.
Take care Tom
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"He is either gonna drink, or he won't.... what are YOU gonna do?"
"What you think of me is none of my business"
"If you knew the answer to what you are worrying about, would it REALLY change anything?"
Well put CG and Silver, I have done the same thing or worse MANY times- its entirely possible I still may slip some rotten day and do it again. I have told my AH that I did not like him one bit, that I hated him and that I no longer loved him. I was a total wench. Without workin this program, one day at a time, I CANNOT SEPARATE THE DISEASE FROM THE PERSON. So, I would say things like "I hate you" and wonder why he got worse and treated me like crap!
The silent treatments are bad. We would go for weeks sometimes. And yes, it was also my job to go and "pull him out" as you put it. God knows his disease would never let him take the initiative. His disease would never speak up and say: "hey what you just said really hurt. Stop hurting me" they just turn and use/drink, pull into their world further and further.
They are sooo sick. And we become really sick too. Yes, this is a great example of why we need al anon and I am grateful to have this program. Hugs, J.
You think like this because you are living with insanity! I used to think the exact same things. I didn't like my AH, I hated my AH and there was a part of me that loved him to. Talk about conflicted!! Who was the one with the disease? Manipulations, games, lies it can really make a person crazy. Especially when all we want is a partner, a family. It's not that hard. But, I guess, for an A it is too much. I tell you what, if you keep comming here and to f2f meetings it will not matter so much if you hear the gravel crunching or not. His behavior will not run your life. That was a miracle to me. This program allowed me to untangle myself from the A and his disease. It has allowed me to love him and love myself more. It has shown me that I have choices and I can make decisions. You didn't cause it, you can't control him and you can't cure him. Keep comming back (((((silverbrumby)))))
I also find myself thinking this way. I have told my AH that I do not like him when he is drinking, that he is a totally different person. I have also told him that I can't be intimate with him when he is drinking....it's hard to be intimate with someone you don't like. I think it goes in one ear and out the other. I am tired of wondering what condition he is going to be in when he comes home. For 2 weeks now he has slowed WAY down on the drinking...so it's been very pleasant...but I keep waiting for the day.....when it's back to the same ole, same ole. And how disappointed I am going to be and how hard that will be to hide.
I love that I have found this board...I read it everyday and walk away with a positive attitude. Thank you all!!
Thanks so much everyone. This board is amazing in wisdom and experience. I definately have a problem. I try to have a normal relationship with my AH. But he's not normal. And neither am I, it seems. Actually, I am a bit confused too. I am certain that I am living with someone who has a serious mental illness. I am not sure if it is alcohol abuse because of it or the other way round. I have been confused about that all the time. He is extremely abnormally sensitive to rejection. Repeats the same patterns of behaviour when the same problems occur. LIke isolating himself from everyone. He mostly drinks alone. He is a loner. Only sometimes seeking someone out to drink with. Never a happy drinker. He doesn't talk, when he is around. Unless he is spoken to, he's fairly quiet. He always says he has nothing to say. I am his only friend. I wasn't angry when I said I didn't like him, I said that I loved him but didn't like who he was now. But when your only friend says they don't like you, what else have you got except your best friend the bottle. I am really struggling with the whole concept of alanon. If I just get on with my life and forget about my relationship, detach, and not stay in touch, then it'll be worse. He will get more paranoid and think I am leaving, His fear of rejection and betrayal is huge. He lives in fear of me leaving or betraying him. But in a withdrawn kind of way. He has me on a pedestal and bases his life around me. If I'm happy, he's happy.He would never hurt me , only in defence, like the recent silent treatment. That silent treatment is not revenge, its how he copes with pain. Go down the hole and hide. Look I really feel sorry for this man. He is in such sadness underneath but masks it with this puffed up attitude. The more he is hurt the nastier he is to whoever hurt him. Alcohol helps him to vent without fear. Anyway, I can't fix him, I'm just trying to be in relationship with a mentally ill person. God won't let me leave or give me any directions. I just have to sit and wait for what I don't know. I have plenty to do to take my mind of things. Thanks for listening. SB
"I am really struggling with the whole concept of alanon. If I just get on with my life and forget about my relationship, detach, and not stay in touch, then it'll be worse."
I don't think you quite understand the Alanon concept correctly. We don't in anyway promote "forgetting about the relationship". We promote detaching from the hurtful things that is diseased based. We seperate the disease from the person. Basically, He is not drinking at you. The things he says and does are mostly based in their alcoholism because it becomes their base, their escape, their buddy.
With that knowledge we choose to focus on ourselves while cleaning up our side of the street. What could I do for myself today? If I went for a walk today, or lunch with a friend, could I find some peace instead of focusing and worrying about what he said or did? If I learned to not be sucked in to his drama, can I be a more happy vibrant person? If I do the steps of Alanon, can I find out my flaws, correct them and be who I choose to be? If I learn that I am not responsible for his feelings, can I stop trying to change him and jumping through hoops to make him happy?
Getting the picture? We don't just trash the relationship. By putting the focus on bettering ourselves and creating more peaceful surroundings the relationship CAN get better. Dealing with mental illness makes it even more of a priority that you find happiness within. He must help himself and you must help yourself. We can spend our whole lives trying to live for someone elses happiness if we aren't careful, never reaching the goal. At the end of the day our own happiness is key. Until we find that we can't possibly pretend we can be a positive influence on any one elses life.
Christy
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If we think that miracles are normal, we will expect them. And expecting a miracle is the surest way to get one.
you aren't alone in thinking like that. I can't even count the times where I have thought to myself that While I like and love the man my AB is when he is sober, i do not like him when he is drunk. I have thought about telling him that, but after reading all of the responses that have been posted I will try to keep that to myself. I don't think he would take it well at all. I have a feeling that most people on this board can relate to what you are feeling.
