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I am tired of all the lies. AH tells me things b/c he knows it's what i want to hear. They are all lies. THen when I do confront him about something, he seems to forget what he told me and comes up with a whole new story. I am trying so hard to just ignore him, like a member of my al-anon group suggested, but it's SO hard! I get anrgy over the lies....Just when I convince myself that everything is going to be fine, i catch him in another lie. I want to leave so badly, but I am so afraid of the change.
THe only thing that keeps popping into my head is "YOU DESERVE BETTER!!!".
I wanted to add something else........he told me he was going to stop drinking Mon-thurs since it was so hard for him to get up in the morning. I was thrilled to get even that b/c that meant 4 nights of peace. THat lasted for 1 week. He drank last night and when I confronted him, he said, "I didn't get drunk, did I?" No, you didn't, but we made a deal and you didn't keep your end of the bargain. His resonse? "why do you have to freak out about everything. Get over it." Now, I just get home and he has a 6 pack of beer sitting in a bucket of ice waiting for him. So what do I do? Be glad that he doesn't get drunk? But will this evenatully lead to the 7 nights of his drunkeness? I afraid it eventually will.
OH! THe other thing...I have promised my 13 y.o that I will not drink anymore. He's already concerned about his Dad, I don't want to be worry about me. I don't have an issue with alcohol, though. It hasn't even been an issue for me. (I would only have 1-2 drinks a week). AH gets so mad at me b/c I won't drink at all anymore. When I told him why I wasn't, he simply calls me wimp. Yeah, whatever! I can ignore that!!!!
OK...I am done, thanks for letting me vent. Now I am off to deal with the idiot!!!!!
Dear Desperate, I can only tell you that for me it was coming here (M.I.P) EVERY DAY to read and vent and learn from the others who have "been there"..."done that". I only went to the Chat Room a couple of times because I'm not a fast typer, and can't keep up with all the conversations. I have not yet been to a f2f meeting because I'm so terribly shy and terrified of going places alone any more. But lately...I'm seriously considering it because I'm having such a hard time for some reason over the split I made with my AH a year ago. I have been coming here since August of 2005, and I got the courage to leave not just from learning all I did about the disease here in the group, but my HP also. And reading a book " One Day at a Time in Al-Anon". I also keep a journal. I hope you find all that you need here to answer your question about detaching. It's "different strokes for different folks" thats a fact! I wish I could have been as strong as some here to stay with my AH... but then I made the choice not to because of not only the lies, but the fear of dying, and so many other things. It's amazing that we are all so different and yet going through the same things! I'm just ecstatic that I was introduced to this group! I am finally getting bolder about getting in here and replying to someone else's post! YOURS! Take care. Good Luck. Hugs, Korinne
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Today, I am grateful to be on the path of dealing with my life and continuing to grow truly stronger.
I spent the first year asking that question at every meeting I went to. That is saying something as I went to 7-8 meetings a week. I kept thinking if I asked enough, someone would give me the magic formula. They didn't. They shared what they did and told me to keep comming back. I think many of us here struggle with this. I know I can detatch sometimes pretty easily. Other times I would rather have my arm ripped off than even attempt to detatch. I still bring it up (secretly hoping that someone will say "Oh yes, detatchment....it's simple...spin three times, click your heals once and say the person's name backwards while juggling pennies and POOF! You'll be detatched!)
I redirect my mind onto something I can control like cleaning or playing with the kids or comming here. I expect that EVERYTHING out of the A's mouth IS a lie and treat them like I do little kids who tell stories. I nod, and say "oh" and in my mind I don't believe a word. Young children lie because they REALLY want their lie to be true. I think that's the way it is with A's. They REALLY want us to believe their reality, they REALLY want their lie to be the truth. And it is true to them. How can one argue with THAT kind of screwed up logic? I let them live in their "Land Of Goofey" but I was never comfortable there so I live in the real world.
Your husband is not choosing to lie or not stick to what he says. He has a disease. The disease alters his brain on top of everything else.
To detach we have to believe they are very sick. We love them the person, and hate the disease that controls them.
All that stuff that makes us mad, is the disease. I ignore it, don't give it any more energy than I would if it were cancer making him say and do dumb things.
I know it is so hard, but that is how come we are here. We are made crazy by this loved one who seems like they are two different people.
We are torn back and forth trying to understand how they can be one way one time, opposite the next. They are sick making us sick.
So we learn from alanon the truths and skills that will help us to get well.
I was (and still am) fortunate to be able to have an intelligent counselor. He helped me to identify my fears and then examine them. This is one of the many ways I decided what was best in my situation.
I was so afraid to separate after PLENTY-four years of marriage. I had never lived out on my own. I was spoiled in terms of material things. But I faced my fears when the pain was harder to bare then my fears of the future.
People still tell me that they think I was so "courageous" to separate from my AH. I don't see myseslf as courageous, however. I think I was able to final say NO to the insanity and branch out on my own when I finally began to realized that I mattered and deserved better.
Alanon has a great pamphlet on detachment. You should be able to find it at a f2f meeting.
My experience with detachment is that it was easier the more I learned about the disease and the behavioral symptoms. They lie. They blame. They talk in circles to keep us confused. They ignore problems (they'll just go away if you don't look at them, you know). These behaviors are not a reflection of us. They have nothing to do with us. They are the disease.
Detachment means to me to separate your emotions from a person or situation. The disease wants you to stay attached/emotionally distraught. Attachment keeps you unable to defend yourself mentally and emotionally. It prevents you from making good, informed decisions. It keeps you crazy, which keeps you under control. The key to detachment for me I think was to remind myself constantly that his behavior, even the things he said, was not a reflection on me. His problems are not my problems.
And believe me, I put this concept into practice DAILY.
I hope this is somewhat clear. I'm not sure I am explaining it too well. Anyway I hope it helps.
In recovery,
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~Jen~
"When you come to the edge of all you know you must believe in one of two things... there will be earth on which to stand or you will be given wings." ~Unknown
I am to;d that to detach you need boundaries. Or that detachment is a boundary Simple but hard to do. Keep trying. And Debilyn said it well, it is a disease.
Well it is certainly hard to deal with someone who lies all the time and thinks that is ok. The issue is what is it doing to you? I have to put my energy into taking care of me. How do I take care of me. I avoid conflict if possible, sometimes it is not possible. I chose actively not to fight with the A. That is a real technique to it. And really it is done to save your life not for anything else. I know it is absolutely infuriating and feels cruel to have someone lie to you but how about you don't express the anger to him (A's don't hear anger from others well) come here and pour it all out. Label it, looik at it. Say when did this start. For me the red flags were there day one. Put it all out there on paper. Dont' show it to him. Dialogue with this group about it.
Then when he lies, don't react. Practice that. Practice it some more. Eventually detaching comes easy. I think I detached very badly at first. One was the step two of turning it over to a higher power. I turned the A over to his higher power. I stopped trying to save him and worked on me. When I felt overwhelming anxiety about what he was going to do next. I put it in my higher power's hands rather than mine. No amont of screaming, begging (I did plenty of begging) crying, wailing, manipulating, demanding, ultimatums, whatever stopped the A I was with from acting out. Nothing stopped him. I did everything I could think of. However when I removed myself from being affected by him on many many levels, detaching was one of them, I stopped being absolutely obsessed by what he was doing to me. I started taking care of me and I am a valuable, worthwhile human being and worth taking care of. I stopped being so affected by his disease.
Believe me my life is not a pretty picture, I come here daily and talk about the struggles I have. At the same time if you look at my posts from a year ago or even 6 months ago you will see that I am not consumed with rage, frustration and pain in the way I once was.
There is recovery here. This is a journey worth taking. You are worth taking care of.
I think some of the things that help me detach are knowing its a disease that I can do nothing about it in any way, shape or form, knowing that I also have a disease and am in a program that provides me with a framework, tools and a community (like this one) in which to learn from one another. Knowing I am not alone helps me to detach. Listening and talking to all of you helps me so much. Also, taking my brain out of the disease and placing it somewhere else entirely- a new past time, take a yoga class, reading books I love, going to the gym/Y, learning a language (with a friend or your kid! that is what one of my al anon friends is doing- both she and her son are taking Mandarin), initiating a new friendship, take up embroidery or knitting, garden, whatever. I went back to get my masters degree. Best thing I ever did. Follow your bliss and if you do not know what that is, find out because you are worth knowing better!! This has been a great way for me to detach. Put the focus on you!
That said, I encourage you to put the focus on YOU. He's on his journey and now you can focus on yours!!! When I first came to Al-Anon, I never considered my own journey. I thought that as a married couple, we should be on the same one. It's an amazing thing! When your thoughts are no longer consumed with the A and are replaced with taking care of yourself....we are detached.
Watch your thoughts. Invite HP to help you. My experience is, HP doesn't go where He is not invited.
KEEP COMING BACK! MIRACLES DO HAPPEN!!
gladlee
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The prayer isn't for Higher Power to change our lives, but rather to change us.
