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I am planning on filing for divorce. My AH is not an out of control drunk, but the years of drug abuse, drinking, in addition to his own personal baggage have contributed to his mental instability. Plus I don't need to stay around to see how bad it could get. I have a meeting with an attorney in a week to work out the legal side. I have been a member of this group and taking care of my own emotional needs. I have been reading a lot about divorce and children. Both parents are supposed to sit down with the child and tell them in a calm way that they no longer love each other, aren't going to live together, and mom or dad is going to move out on 12/31/07. Obviously, this is not possible due to his explosive temper and instability. He has been verbally and emotionally abusive to me. I am planning on taking the kids for an overnight trip, pack up what I can and staying away from the house long enough for him to leave but prepared if he doesn't. So begets my question. How do I tell my 7 year old especially b/c this will come on suddenly? She has picked up on tension b/t us but no explosive arguments. We are not going to have the calm collected discussion with both parents. What can I do to make this as least traumatic as possible. AH is a loose cannon at times and the sky's the limit to his vindictive and malicious behavior. Unfortunately, leaving unexpectedly is the only way around this.
Anon, I do not have kids but I do have an explosive AH who I left. I have a sister a 7 hour drive away. I just packed what I could and went to her in a rented car. Her husband is connected to law enforcement and I knew I would be safe there and knew he would not follow me there. I got into a shelter program and got some counseling. Verbal and emotional abuse is domestic abuse/domestic violence.
You are taking a very courageous step. A shelter will have some expert advice on what to say/how to talk to your children about what is going on. There are a ton of resources there for you and your children.
First and foremost you need to be safe. I would get in touch with the nearest women's shelter and ask for advice. Just because he is not knocking your teeth out does not mean you are not in danger. Please be very careful, anon. we care about you here. Hugs, J.
I explained to my kids (11,7 and 3 at the time) that dad was sick. I explained a-ism in the simplest terms I could. I focused on the positives (moving can be fun for kids...setting up their room how they want, a new neighborhood, peace in the home) My ex was unpredictable also. Very abusive. But my kids are his kids and I am the parent and I didn't show them my fear. I didn't confide in them at all. I shared my sadness with them, they saw me cry. But for the most part I tried to stay positive around them and stay focused on the good, fun stuff. I listened when they wanted to talk about their dad (which wasn't as often as I thought). I did get them into counseling, but as insecure as I was about doing the divorce with kids from an abusive A, I was told that I was doing ok and the kids were very well adjusted.I stuck to their routien as best I could and we started some new routiens also. They are doing way better than I am with all of it. I hate it when people tell me kids are resilient, but they are. Good luck and whatever you do it will be the best thing for you and your children.
first- expecting a practicing A to sit calmly and explain whats happening is a waste of time there is going to be his side and your side they will feel like they have to choose so will be upset , reasure then that this has nothing to do with them that u just cannot live with dad anymore and tell them why , kids only want the truth , they don't need to know the nitty gritty stuff just the fact that you cannot live with is addictions any longer. good luck Louise
My son is 7 and My AH and I are separated now for the second time. I have been honest with him. I explained that Dad is sick and only he can get himself better. We had long talks about acceptable behavior. The one thing I don't want out of this experience is to normalize A behavior for my kids (my little one is almost 2). I think this is what happens when we try to hide it from them because kids usually know a lot more than we think they do. I have been very proactive with my son and he seems to be very well adjusted.
This is what has worked for me. Good luck and stay safe.
In recovery,
__________________
~Jen~
"When you come to the edge of all you know you must believe in one of two things... there will be earth on which to stand or you will be given wings." ~Unknown
I tell my kids the truth. I moved out with 3 of them and they all know full well that he is a drunk and an addict because they have experienced it. My youngest was 5 when I left and it's hard raising a boy without a dad but we just do the best we can. I also took the opportunity to explain to my daughters that you don't have to stay in an intolerable situation. If someone is not treating you right it's ok to leave. We never had the sit down discussion and I would never have even contemplated it. First off he was soooo sure we were going to get back together and then he was soooo sure we weren't. Addicts are unstable and as long as they continue to use they are no good to children. I don't let the A see my kids and I have laid down guidelines (must have a home, job, sobriety for a given amount of time). He has yet to meet any of them. I don't want him in and out of their lives, one day he's there the next he's in jail.... That's no good for kids.
I have a 14 yo son and a 5 yo daughter. I left my AH and moved into my own home last January. I filed for separation then also. I realized a couple of years ago that honesty was the best policy for me with my son. My daughter is a different story. For her, her daddy was always in and out but the ins were always pleasant and the outs were, well, just that - him being out. She now seems to think that daddy just doesn't like our new house and wants to move back into our old house so he will live with us again. I explained to her that it has nothing to do with the house and all with the fact that daddy doesn't live with us any more and we had to move into a house I could afford on my own. I also put in a matter of fact point that "I love our new house" and add in all the positives to it that did not exist at the other house.
It is hard, just use your best judgement and do your best. You can never go wrong when you love your kids and show them that love. Good luck to you.
I don't know if there is a right way to do this. No matter how you break the news, the fallout will last a long time. I think perhaps it's more important to be decisive and put that first foot forward, and not worry about shoe styles... even if ya gotta go barefoot !
My mom broke the news to us kids that she was divorcing my dad by... not really telling us exactly. I knew what a divorce was. But it was explained to us (at age 10 and 7) that "maybe dad could get help if he lived somewhere else for a while". I didn't hear the D-word until sometime later, and then I figured out "for a while" meant "permanently". Parents of the disease are manipulative, and I felt that I had been manipulated into agreeing with the divorce, as it was explained to me in soft-pedaled terms. The reality is, it was just not my choice and I probably would have accepted that more than being told after the fact "I thought you understood and agreed".
My issues with distrust originate with BOTH of my parents. My dad always told me the truth... in the moment... but in the next moment, it might not be true ("I'll pick you up at 7:00, I promise"). My mom always told some watered down, sugared up version of the truth. I find myself sniffing the air and looking for a bull any time I get this treatment from anyone, any time even today.
But in the end, my mom did the right thing, and in the best way she knew how. I am who I am because of her. My willingness to be responsible and take charge, and take care of the basics comes from mom. My desire to spit out - and hear - the blunt truth - comes from my dad, ironically the blunt truth of his own disease never sunk in even as he took his final breaths.
I'm not telling you this to make your decision more difficult. In retrospect, there wasn't much my parents could have done differently. They are who they are, I am who I am. Who's to say it wasn't all exactly as God intended? I'm just saying, when you make a major move - there are going to be hurt feelings, resentments, confusion, distrust. These are consequences of action; they must happen before you go on. If you haven't hurt yet, you can't heal. And even if you've already hurt more than you think you can bear, what are the consequences of inaction?
You'll do what you need to do, when you're ready, in your own way. Your kids will get it someday... but not necessarily today. I wish there were a better answer. I am very connected to my feelings, and the thought of a child taking in "daddy doesn't love me enough to get well"... another child, yet again... always hurts me. But survival comes first. 40 years later I can look my mother in the eye and say thank you, for getting us through... and she knows it's that 10 year old finally saying so.
When I left, I sat down with the kids (7, 5-1/2, and 2-1/2) and told them on Sunday night that we were leaving because Mommy and Daddy hadn't been happy together for along time, and we were moving to their grandmother's house. They all broke down in tears - the oldest because she was going to miss her friends (she'd just started school), my son because he had just started kindergarten and was making friends, and my youngest because her big sister and brother were crying. They didn't want to leave their home, their school, their friends or their dad. They had Monday at school to say goodbye to their friends. Tuesday they went to school for a couple of hours. Then we went to pick up their father from a 28 day rehab, spent the afternoon with him. He left the house for an AA meeting when we left for my mother's. They adjusted to their new school very quickly and love it here now. The A has stopped and started drinking since we left more times than I could count - if I were keeping track, but I'm working really hard at not doing that.
I made sure I told them repeatedly that this wasn't their fault - that mommy had made the decision and we both still loved them - and always would.
Do what's right for you and your kids. They're a lot more resilient than you think.
