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This post is a spin off something I just read in another thread which asked why some alcoholics are functioning, working, productive and others get close to, or actually get to skid row.
I've been thinking about this a lot lately in regard to the A's in my life.
My ah - Very covert in his use. So much so that our kids didn't understand there was a problem. Heck, I didn't even know. Problem ecalated over years. Excessive drinking in social situations and at night by himself. Drug addiction went on for years and I had no idea, I just thought he was a jerk. Always hard-working and productive. Saw him in action at work and can say he was not affected in his skills or intellectually, but his interpersonal communication skills with staff could use some work. Unfaithul and does not want to be married. Angry and resentful. I kicked him out and he is managing well on his own.
My brother - Openly intoxicated and obnoxious, so much his children do not want him home. Came on rather suddenly after a failed business venture. Was once a successful engineer, now can't keep a job to save his life. Faithful to wife and does not want to divorce. Very passive. Went to jail for essentially acting crazy (think Britney Spears) and is now kicked out of his house without any source of income or a home.
So, these two guys are both highly educated and very intelligent, with completely different manifestations of the disease. But, when active in the disease it was like they were reading from the same script!
Lots of talk of how they got no respect or support and how they were victims in everything. Poor, poor me! Wanted/needed to always be right. Experts on everything. Criticism and negativity perceived in almost every interaction. Their wives were their worst enemies. Claimed to be in total control of their addictions, as it was a choice to drink/use to escape.
Interesting to say the least. Anyone else relate?
Lou
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Every new day begins with new possibilities. It's up to us to fill it with the things that move us toward progress and peace. ~ Ronald Reagan~
Sometimes what you want to do has to fail, so you won't ~Marguerite Bro~
My sister is both. She was overt and became covert. I think the A I was with was always overt. I think I was in tremendous tremendous denial all the time.
Lou, your last paragraph really hit the nail on the head for me. THAT is the disease, the actual drinking is almost a side bar. That "poor me", blaming, not having any problem, etc. Its really ugly. Its like whether they are "functioning" or not is not the point. I read recently about a healer who said that we really are our own worst enemy- no one can hurt us like we can hurt ourselves. I have to agree and the alcoholic is so highly skilled at hurting themselves in as unique of a way as there are colors in the rainbow- each one has their own special angle. J.
It's amazing to look at both 'functioning' and 'non-functioning' alcoholics, isn't it? I haven't known too many who were truly functioning.
The 'ism' (I, self, me) is there with all of them though, for sure.
Both of my parents had active alcoholic siblings (neither of my parents drank/drink), and the only one I ever saw as functional was a brother on my father's side who started up and ran a very successful solid waste business. By the time he got really bad and was going downhill, his oldest son was in a position to take over the company.
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"If a dog will not come to you after having looked you in the face, you should go home and examine your conscience." - Woodrow Wilson
It's just made me curious why some are "functioning" (like your ah, Lou) and others aren't? I know a woman who is in recovery now, but she drank for years while she was at home raising her children - and went COMPLETELY undetected. SHE recognized the problem and sought help. But she functioned (although her children aren't overly close with her today). Anyway - I know it's a moot question - but it's just had me scratching my head....
This is why I had such a hard time with the disease model. My uncle was a fall down, in the gutter drunk. He peed blood and had wet brain and smelled. He was barely human by the end and died a horrifying death from this disease. My ex was young, healthy, attractive, didn't smell but had the same disease? Come on! Ofcourse my uncle was an A...duh! But my young, handsome husband? No way! Till one day my A couldn't stop. He tried everything, I knew he wanted to stop. No one in their right mind would do what he was doing to himself. There came my comapssion and when he kept drinking/drugging and he had lost everything and I asked him "are you ready to stop now?" He said "No." That was what my uncle said. I see it was because they couldn't stop. They had tried and failed and they both lost everything. So, in their mind they must not really want to stop. Because if they did want to they could. The reality was they couldn't. They had no control, it was a disease. Same disease. And no doubt if my ex keeps going (or picks up...who knows if he is sober or not...) he will eventually pee blood and have wet brain. That is where this disease will end. If he didn't get hit by a bus first......ahhh dreams.....
Here's what I think, one is farther along the path than the other. My A functioned well, kept a job for a year, his employers loved him and then there would be a binge. Even with that they still wanted him back. He stole from them, they still wanted him back. Anyway, my point is he wasn't always as bad as he is now, homeless and in jail. He was very productive and hid it well for a long time. I think it progresses to that and your A could in time end up in the same place as your brother. Scary, I know.
Interesting post with replies. This is a disease of progression. It never gets better only worse (oxymoron) over time. Function or no function depends on when it is detected and how far along it has progressed. Trying to classify an alcoholic is almost impossible. There are many similarities but until we come into program and acknowledge those similarities we will stumble along with the differences. What was told me when I was trying to type cast my alcoholic was does her drinking affect me? I am a chemically tolerant individual which means I can consume (or use to) large amounts of alcohol and never appear drunk. My family on rare occasions would catch me "sleeping" after a drinking bout but on a whole they would all chant hopefully, "You are not an alcoholic"!! What they missed were the times I slipped into toxic shock and had reached the state of self embalment. There is a God and He (or She...cause I could be wrong) and I know the story and what has worked to stop the progression which leads to premature demise and total wreckage.
I may have looked functional however if you were talking to my liver or kidneys they might have told you a different story. If you looked at my behaviors and how I expressed my emotions you would have got a "non-functioning" impression.
