The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I never know if what I do is right. My son is 26 has suffered from severe depression, crashed his car into a tree. It burst into flames. He was able to get out to go to jail. We didn't get him for 4 days and they had him on suicide watch. He moved home and started going to AA. He did well for about 6 months, He had a job and had moved out, but then he drank at work and continued drinking. He moved back home did well for awhile and then he moved out and is back to drinking. He doesn't have a car so we have to drive him everywhere to AA and his probation officer. We pulled him out of his workplace a restaurant bar and brought him home as he could barely move or talk. I just don't know what to do. I hate it, but he's my son. I've been going to alanon for a year now.
Keep comming back. It will get better. You said you have to drive your son to AA, probation etc....why? He can get rides from other AA's. Infact that is an important part of the program...asking other AA's for help. Getting in meetings before and after the meetings. And as far as probation, do you have a public transportation system where you live? You don't have to do anything, your son is a grown man who got himself into this and if you let him get himself out of it, he might have a shot at real sobriety. Has he followed up with a psychiatrist as far as the depression and suicidal thoughts? I can only imagine how hard it is as a parent to watch your child suffer. Others here are in the same boat. I know that my mother enabled me and my drinking and drugging and I didn't stop until I was out from under her roof and decided that I wanted to be done. I know my A's mother and every GF he had enabled him and he has never had to really face, on his own, his consequences. He has always had a woman there to cusion the fall. He has never learned and has hurt many others because of it. I have 3 kids who I recognise as high risk because of their genetics and their enviroment. I very well might be in your shoes someday. But today, I know for sure that the most loving thing I can do is get out of the way of the A. Let the consequences happen and have faith that I am no one's HP and I can't cause it, cure it or control it. Good luck, I know you will find lots of love and support here.
"You don't have to do anything, your son is a grown man who got himself into this and if you let him get himself out of it, he might have a shot at real sobriety."
I agree with this. I have a daughter who will turn 30 this month. She's on probation...again...after a 5 month stay in jail.
She has to report to her probation officer, perform community service, and attend counseling at the mental health center.
She walks.
I gave her a chance to start over after her first stay in jail, 9 months total on felony drug charges. She lasted one month in my house before I showed her the door and changed my locks.
I love her and I always will.
However, she is an adult, and needs to live with the consequences of her actions.
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"If a dog will not come to you after having looked you in the face, you should go home and examine your conscience." - Woodrow Wilson
Hi Dig, welcome, you came to the right place. I have no words of wisdom for you but am glad you are here. Keep coming back, its a great place to vent, to read, to listen and to find more of your voice. Hugs, J.
We have no public transportation and everything including AA is about 10-30 miles away. He has had counseling, court mandated, but they said he didn't need it anymore. Detaching is difficult when he is so self-destructive and I have somewhat resigned myself that he may not live, but when I'm confronted with that possibility and I am physically there I can't just leave and let him die. It is breaking my heart. Thank you for your responses and I will keep trying. There is only one Alanon close by 10 miles and only meets once a week. I hope this will help me. My sponsor is hard to reach. Thanks so much
I can totally relate to your situation. I too have a son who has an addiction problem. He is 21 and just finished his 3rd rehab stay. Currently he is in an Oxford house (Clean and Sober House). He does have a job, as his employer saved his job for him(a huge answer to prayer). Fortunately for him, he has this option for a living arrangement. Most of the guys in his house would be out on the streets if they don't stay clean. There is no second chance. Our son would be without a home too, as we know we can only support him in his recovery. Our faith in God has seen us through this horrible disease. I will be keeping you and your son and family in my prayers. There is hope!
My 44 year old son is what I call a highly-functioning A. He has not had the legal problems. He has plenty of personal ones....broken marriage, financial, custody, depression, refusal to admit problems, not seeking help, calling his father and me for help which we AS YOU have given for a long, long time. He is not getting better with this help. I don't know what it will take. Have just had a very very bad weekend with him.
This site has given me the experience of people who know this disease and who can tell it like it is. I sometimes can take the experience and use it; more often than not, I don't. I am trying to get to face to face meetings. Unlike your situation, I am within 2 miles of one which meets twice a week. I think I am just putting it off. I have gone to Al-Anon meetings before in my life, just not recently.
I am always so sorry when a mom or dad signs on this site with the heartbreak of addiction in their son or daughter. I know exactly the sick feeling, the despair you are having. Keep yourself coming here for support. Sometimes just signing on and reading and reading is salvation in itself.
Thinking of you this morning with understanding and a prayer for peace.
Digby, my heart goes out to you and I have walked in your shoes, still am as a matter of fact. My son is 39 years old and has been using since he was 15. I went through the "Mom can fix anything" nightmare for so many years and one day I found out that I was probably just as sick or sicker than he is. I have learned a lot since I came into Al-Anon three years ago and can honestly say it saved my life. I had to let go of him, get out of my HP's way and let the miracle start to happen.
Among the things that I no longer do are bail him out of jail...he got himself there he can sit it out and pay the consequences for his actions. I closed the bank of mom and if he is hungry there are places where he can go to get food and lodging if he chooses. I now can spot another lie coming my way as soon as he opens his mouth so I accept that and do not buy into it.
When he was released from rehab he asked to come home and I told him he could stay here for one week but after that time he had to be living somewhere else. I knew that the stress of having him here would only hamper his recovery and sabatoge mine.
The turning point for me was when I heard a speaker tape by June C of Bixby Ok. She too spent her life running around rescuing her children. Cleaning them up so they would look good, spending money like crazy just to keep them going. Once she got into Al-Anon she realized what she was doing was hurting them more than helping them. As she says she has heard many an AA speaker get up and tell their story and has yet to hear one say "I WAS SAVED BY MY MAMA". This hit home with me like a lightening bolt. I knew then that I had to turn loose of my son, let him grow up and work his program and I work mine. Because he would never get anywhere in his recovery with me on his back and I would never get anywhere dragging him along behind me.
Today I am doing good, I can't say the same for him. He called yesterday and said he was going to detox. I knew he was still using but I also knew that there was absolutely nothing I could do about it. I always tell him that I love him but I cannot fix his problems, I love him but you have to do this, I can't do it for you. I emphasize the "I love you" every chance I get because my son in that body needs love in order to fight the addict in that same body.
Keep coming back and do whatever you have to do to get to meetings. I promise you will be glad you did.
Barb
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Everything I have ever let go of has claw marks all over it.
Thank you, I have a meeting tonight and you have all made me feel better. It is slow steps for me, but I am making some progress. My father was an alcoholic as is my brother and my sister is an addict/prostitute. I tried so hard to get away from this disease, but it haunts me. So I guess going forward is the best I can do some days or just remembering to breathe.
Dig, you can make your life feel better. This program will help you to do so, only one day at a time. You have the disease all around you but it does not need to claim your life, also. Yet, you are affected and need to take care of yourself. You need a program. All of us here, do. Hugs. J.
I have definitely been there in the not knowing what to do or say and sick with worry. Many many many of us here have been. No one here is going to judge you that is for sure. I know I was beside myself much of the time. I absolutely worried myself sick. I dont' think I even got close to helping the a when I was in that mode. Some people have to hit some awful low bottoms. The A I was with crashed cars like crazy. I do not understand how he is alive the way he carried on. He didn't work for a long long time, starved, sat in the dark for months, went on food stamps, stole (thats hard for me to write). He certainly stole and lied to me regularly. I went to some low low bottoms with him. I also absolutely felt 100 % probably over responsible for him. I felt I owed him my life and I didn't.
I can only urge you to take care of yourself. I know full well what kind of a burden you are carrying. i carried it for months/years and I know it almost killed me.
This group is a life saver. You can come here day or night and post what you are feeling and people will respond to you with love, concern, acceptance and knowledge. We have all been to hell and back. Everyone of us can relate that is some of the grace here. There are also some of us who are comign back from hell and having a life and enjoying it. I find my life these days incredibly challenging but nothing in my life as an adult (I had a very very abusive childhood) was as difficult as living with the A. I gave it my all and he still didn't get sober. He may never do it. There is some reason that his HP has him alive, he really should not be. I am willing to put him in God's hands these days rather than think I can have any influence on him. I didn't for 7 years.
I have to convince myself to let go and it is so hard. Thank you all for sharing. At my meeting they talked about preserving the A's dignity and having your gray haired mother drag you out of a bar is undignified for us both. One day at a time...
Digby - I'm one who is all for preserving their dignity (if I have an option in the matter). Be aware though, that many times whether their dignity is preserved or not is entirely in their own hands. That's when I need to remember to let go of them. So much easier said than done, especially as mothers seeing this happening to our own child. It's heartbreaking.
Sounds like you're on the right track and working a program. He's fortunate to have parents who will go the distance - in a healthy way - to show him your support. I often wonder how my A exBF would have turned out if his parents would have known how to deal with his disease.
