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Well, the silent treatment continues here. He went to work yesterday, it was just for a couple of hours, but he didn't call or come home from 8am, until 5pm, so I had made plans to go out with my friend who will soon be moving to Nashville. We have been friends thru thick and thin....25 years or so. As I was going out the door, AH was coming in, and he says "You're leaving???" Duh. My friend and I went to dinner at Cracker Barrel, then went to the dancing place. My other friend, my guy friend, J. was there. He had a bunch of people sitting with him, and even some girl kept trying to talk to him. I think she liked him a lot more than he liked her, because he still danced with me a lot, and I got my physical contact I crave so. Hugs. Sweet kisses. We talked about the old days, all the fun we used to have. He was an exceptional lover, and this may sound dumb, but I thought my AH was, too. Now we never touch, and don't talk. If I weren't married, I know I could easily fall back into him. We all acted silly, danced a lot. It felt so good to have his arms around me again. I am missing it so much here at home. I know I have lost a lot of feeling for my AH. I don't know if I can get it back. I got home at 3:30, because we went and had coffee later. AH had to go to work today, so he got up, made a lot of noise, turned on all the lights, ran in and out of the bedroom a million times. Turned the TV up real loud. He was mad because he finally decided to talk to me, and called my cell phone and I didn't answer last night. I didn't even have it on me, it was in the trunk of my friend's car. So, after he left for work, I noticed my cell phone was gone from my purse, and the house phone wasn't on the desk. Here we go again, more childish acting out. I got showered and dressed, drove to the pay phone and called him. He hung up on me. I called him back and told him I knew he took my phone and I wanted it back. He said "You only want it at YOUR convenience. I tried to call you last night....where were you?" Oh, NOW he wants to talk! Whoopty-do! I told him it was none of his business where I was. I never know where he is. I have bent over backwards for him, and have been the good, faithful, loving wife for so many years, and he never appreciated it. He told me he had put my cell phone in the bread box on top of the fridge. And I dug around in the trash, and found the house phone. Oh, good. This time he didn't break it, it still works. Woo-hoo. We have gone thru so many phones. I am trying to detach, to live my own life. I have cried so many tears, and he just turned his head. Now that I don't care, he does. Or sometimes he does. He says he does, but doesn't act like it, I guess I am trying to say. I think it is just a control thing with him. He doesn't want me, but doesn't want anyone else to have me, either. I know I probably shouldn't use this forum to discuss my personal life like this, but I have to get it out. Now I know why they say living with an alcoholic is too much for most of us. I think it is getting to be too much for me. I want to have fun while I still can. I want to treasure the friends I have and do things with them. I have lost too many years waiting for my AH to "get better." And he has not desire, he can't even see the damage his drinking has done to us. I never thought I would even kiss another man. And except for my guy friend, I haven't. He makes me feel safe. He doesn't push me for more. He knows my AH, they have known each other since their late teens, but he doesn't like him much. He does ask me how much longer I can stand to live with no affection, no talking, no kissing, touching, and other stuff. He tells me it is a very weird way to live. I don't know. I just don't know. On the one hand, I feel like I am waking up from a bad dream. I am stretching my wings and learning to fly again. On the other hand, I feel like I am still stuck dreaming a nightmare. I didn't want to stop loving my husband. I wanted a normal home life. I wanted us to do things together, to love each other. I didn't want to want to kiss another man, or want to feel another man's arms around me. But now I do. I am so confused. I know there is no future with my guy friend....he isn't boyfriend material at all. But he sure is fun to hang around with. And I miss that so much, I found out. I have been stuffing a lot of feelings over the past few years. Well, today I am going to pick up my baby granddaughter, and take her visiting some friends. It is the first time I have taken her out by myself! I got a car seat base to keep in my car so moving her around will be easy. She's only 6 weeks old. I am going to leave before AH gets back from work, which should be very soon. He'll probably spend the day, like he does every. single. Sunday. Drinking with his friend across the street. Boring! Sorry for the rant....but I sure feel better getting it down in words, and out of my whirling mind.
My AHsober and I are very immature. We use to have kinda in house rules about how to act. Being on the other side - he goes out, dances, with other women, goes to lunch - and is still married. It hurts. Hmmm, I understand about the silent treatment - very controlling. I think our grandbabies are the same age. What a joy! I am learning that I have to make a life for myself. This limbo is killing me but not him because he has what he wants.
(((becky1)))) I KNOW life with the A is hard. I kept sensing "life has become unmanageable" all through your post. I know the lonliness you're feeling - some of my loneliest hours were spent in the house with my (now ex) husband. I'm on my own now and am doing my best at working a program. It's very liberating to be able to make choices - not have reactions.
Life with your A does indeed sound challenging - and I feel for you - we've all been there. I learned in Al-Anon that I'm responsible for our own actions - and the only one I can truly change is myself. I have to remind myself DAILY to check my side of the street.
I remember how completly devestated I was when I found out about my A's affair. It wasn't so much the physical that got to me (although it DID get to me) it was the fact that he cheated on me emotionally. At first all he would admit to was "holding hands and kissing". That was....gosh, I can't even go there emotionally. So, at that time we split, I moved out.
I had my own place and I started trying to figure all this out. He and I were "working on things" and going to councling. I Started "dating". I met some guys online (yuck). This was all done without my ex knowing ofcourse. I had to understand, I had to feel wanted again, I needed to know that it wasn't me, that I wasn't defective. I met someone thru this program and he and I really connected. We spent alot of time together for about 3 months. He was really wonderful to me. He treated me with respect and kindness. He taught me that I mattered, that my desires were important. It was eye opening as far as the sex was concerned. I had no idea (or if I did I had forgotten) that sex was a special intimacy that should be SHARED not just given. My ex wound up going to rehab and he and I got back together again. I never told him about my very special friend. When I decided to get back together with my A I told my friend and he was sad but understood.
I do not regret what happened. While I was "dating" my friend, my A was living with a couple and having an affair with the wife. So, I feel no guilt about what I did. Infact, I feel as if it was a very necessary thing for me to do for myself. And when I finally did leave my marriage I was more confident that I was a desireable woman and that I could be happy again. I would never judge you for finding what you need for yourself. This disease brings us to some places we never even wanted to visit. It wasn't about the man, it was about me. I knew that then and I know that now. I was not looking for my worth in another man, I was looking for confirmation of what I knew in my heart to be true. That I was a wonderful woman and I was desireable, loveable. My friend confirmed that to me and I will always be grateful to him for that. If I had wanted my self worth to be tied up in another man, I would have left my A and moved in with the first man who looked at me twice and had babies with him. I didn't want that. I wanted to find my worth within myself and I have. It wavers and I don't understand how all the abuse has effected me, but I am learning. Scream, if you want to. Scream till you lose your voice. Scream till he hears you. But if he doesn't, then talk to people who do hear you (us). I am sorry you feel you have to get something outside your marriage, I understand. I understand that it is a screwy time for you. Keep posting. I hope you find what you are looking for.
I know for me I had to get approval from others. I had to really super work on people pleasing for years. I still have to. I have to work on being there for me first and then for others. I do have cravings for physical contact. I try to get it in other ways, a nice bath, a walk, a cuddle with my pets. I know absolutely I cannot trust my judgment with men.
I totally understand your need to get "out'. I had that with the A for a long time. I also had the arguments and the childish behavior. The A cared when I was not around. I have not been around him for a couple of months now I do not see any sign of caring from him, just resentment that I do not 'give" till I drop.
I let the A know in the end that I could give no more and he certainly didn't appreciate it.
i know you have limits. Are you excercising them? I know what it is to be in "react" mode. I had to be there for a long long time before I saw it drained me to nothing.
I think serendipity said it best how I feel. I am not seeking approval thru men. When I go out, I don't check out the guys like I used to before I got married. I really like my friend, and it feels good to be around him. He makes me happy. If we were going to have "that" kind of relationship again, I think we already would have. That certain "spark" just isn't there. In the "old days" I would have just picked up the first guy who showed me any attention at all. I'm not proud of what I have done in the past, but I think I have grown up a lot. When I go out, I just sit with my friend, and maybe dance with someone he knows, and dance with other girls who are there, too, a lot. It feels good. I don't check out the other men there, I just am not interested. And my friend and I only see each other there....and he is always glad to see me. I forgot how it is to have someone actually smile a big smile when they see me. And, yeah, it helps that it is a man. I think it is only normal () to want to be attractive to the opposite sex. I love to listen to live music, and I have been bored to tears for a few years now with my AH. Strange, isn't it, that even in a bar, I can have a conversation with a man who isn't slobbery drunk. Who isn't screaming obscenities. Who can have a beer or two, talk, dance, and then go have coffee and go home. Alone. I miss the conversation, the intimacy more than I miss the sex, I think. The connection with another person. And I never thought I would feel that way either. I used to love sex. It has become such a non-existent thing in my life, and my AH has made me feel so useless in that department. He has called me some really horrible names. And I know I am not any of them. Like he has the right to call anyone names. I know about HIS past, too, and it is as bad as mine, if not worse. Nmike, I am sorry you are having to deal with that pain. I know what it is like to be on the "other side" too. Been there, done that. I am just trying to keep my sanity. I guess I feel like my AH has already cheated on me. He actually DID before we got married, I walked in on him and another girl. This was years ago, and we split up for 9 years because of it. And, about 4 years ago, I found out that he was having cyber-sex in a chat room. Talk about a low blow. I don't even know why I have been so stupid as to stay in love with him this long. I wish I could just erase the last 10 years with him, and start over. Hindsight is 20/20, right? I am tired. Tired of hoping, tired of praying. Tired of everything. Tired of breathing sometimes. I am grateful to my guy friend, because he has opened my eyes to a lot that I feel I have been missing. He doesn't expect anything from me, or I of him. We are gentle and kind to each other. We don't hang out outside of running into each other at the dancing place. I don't think either one of us wants to go that route. But we do enjoy each other's company, and he always has a big smile and hug for me, and we laugh a lot.
Thanks guys for responding.
Love in Recovery, (yeah, I'm still working on that) Becky1
) to want to be attractive to the opposite sex.