The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
where he stops.....nobody knows. Nothing like the silent treatment for two days followed by a day of an engaged and semi-helpful spouse who decided to talk to me today. He thanked me for reaching out to him, and my response was "I know it wasn't me"...which set him into another "pensive" mood. Okay it was a little catty...(15 years of dealing with his addiction, I deserve a little catty now and then).Regardless, it was freeing to say that his moods aren't my fault. This is huge for me. I have had a tough few days because I get so tired of the inconsistencies. None of us know which way is up. So, we forge ahead and do the things that we want to do. We do projects, visit friends and family, take care of the needs of the house. Some days I would love a little help with a crying baby, but if he is "sleeping it off" I can forget it. No expectations, no disappointments. I have to remind myself of this often. It's a tough one. Thanks for the tools.
Stay the optimist. The closer we get to giving the disease back to them to better we get. My AHsober has never been there when I need him the most. Learning to find others to help me. Can you get help with the baby from family and friends? And the silent treatment I have learned is just as abusive and controlling as the yelling I do (and he points that out - look at you, look at you). It's tough but like you said Alanon give us tools.
It was a revelation and a relief for me when I finally realized that my AH was responsible for his own feelings and reactions. For many years I thought I could cause him to feel bad, so of course I also thought I could cause him to feel good. What a rediculous idea that seems like now. A total losing battle, but of course thats what he wanted me to believe. In his diseased mind it gave him justification to act and feel badly. Because someone else would not take his pain away, they were the bad guy who kept him suffering. Of course in a way that was my attitude too. It was all the A's fault. If he would just stop using all would be well.LOL
What a freedom it is to only be responsible for my own feelings, reactions, etc. It takes too much energy to be so reactionary. Now when he acts badly I can ignore it and let him work it out, and he is learning to do the same. We don't have to take every thing each other does personally. It's just not always about me.
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~Jen~
"When you come to the edge of all you know you must believe in one of two things... there will be earth on which to stand or you will be given wings." ~Unknown
OU, you ARE working the program and that is terrific!! I know its not easy but you are doing it and it is inspiring to me. Working the program does not make anything easier, it just makes things more comprehensible, more serene- we create our own world where things are OK, predictable, etc. The piece of the pie that we share with the A gets smaller and we learn to get a life with our HP as the center stage, us next and then others and less with the A. This is called putting our problems into their proper perspective and its a phrase that is part of the beginning of every al-anon meeting which I hope you are getting to as often as possible. Hugs, J.
