The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I have been thinking that one of the reasons why its so hard for me to put myself first is because I was born and raised watching the A's in my life do the same thing through their disease/addiction. I have found this so abhorrent, this inability of them to see that they put their alcohol/drugs/whatever first and foremost and all their accompanying behaviors which are highly narcissistic are like THE definition of putting yourself first.
But the A's are putting themselves first in a really unhealthy way! And this is where the difference lies for me but for a while I have been getting tripped up on this because its like- OK, I will put myself first just like they have all their lives...inside the toxic context of the alcoholic situation. In fact, I even tried this at one time- I tried being completely narcissistic just like my AH was. I put myself first in an unhealthy way and was miserable and generated more misery in my home. It was like: OK, he is not going pay any bills or worry about them then I won't either! He is going to go and do whatever he wants to do, so will I! He is going to pout, have tantrums and act like a victim and blame everyone, so will I! He is going to punch himself in the head in front of me, I will do the same in front of him! It turned into being all about punishing him wiith my own destructive behavior to try to teach him what it felt like to live with him. It was really toxic and messed up (I was insane).
I now understand that there is a right way to put yourself first, a healthy way. I have never had it role-modeled to me and now I am inside this program. I have never known anyone who had a healthy way of putting themselves first. Now I do, because of this program. This is why its so important for all of us to show up here, at our meetings, etc. Without our attendance, no recovery is possible for anyone!! We need each other in order to recover, I cannot gain a role model by reading books/literature alone.
I think partly I was raised to believe that I am not worthwhile unless I suffer through life. While doing affirmations once, I found my core belief (unconcious) was that moms suffer. My mom suffered. My AH's mom suffered. I have mom friends who suffer. So, I suffer through life too. I did not even realize that I felt this way, but I have been able to do a little more for me since rooting it out. This was only part of it, but a significant part.
Like you, I was real shy on healthy role models. When you are raised living in a family that is always in survival mode, nobody has much time for healthy self indulgence.
In recovery,
__________________
~Jen~
"When you come to the edge of all you know you must believe in one of two things... there will be earth on which to stand or you will be given wings." ~Unknown
I get quite a bit out of reading books myself, Melody Beattie has helped me a lot. Nevertheless there is something about the process of coming somewhere and putting it out there daily. I certainly was there sometimes with the A in not being responsible and letting all my emotions hang out. i don't do that anymore. I do choose carefully who I share with.
I had no healthy role models. I can't say I exactly sought them out either. i was keen not to be known or seen by anyone I considered remotely healthy. I'd have to say too that I drove people away with my codependent behaviors. I drove them away by obsessing. I also drove them away by being depressed all the time.
Oh that's a good one Jean! I know I am taking care of me when I feel guilty for doing it. Seriously. I got a foot soaker for Christmas and everytime I go to use it, I have to get over my feelings of guilt first. It has gotten better with the help of this program. Hearing that I am supposed to take care of myself. That I am NOT supposed to hurt myself (mentally). That I am the only one who is going to take care of me. It really is empowering. The guilt is fleeting these days. I had women around me who were saints and martyrs. I thought that life was you grow up, marry an alcoholic, and then beat the hell out of them every day forever for being an alcoholic. That's what I saw. This program showed me I had choices and that I could choose to be happy. That airbag anaolgy that we have to put the mask on ourselves first before even putting it on our kids is what I keep in the front of my mind. If I don't put mine on first, I won't be able to help anyone else.
What makes it easier Jean is continuing with the program; listening, learning and practice, practice, practice. Putting myself first to me does not mean out front of everyone else in my life, all alone. For me it is the attitude and awareness that I am also a child of God, a deserving human being and that sometimes...not all the time...my needs will get first attention and I turn all others over to HP and other sources of help. There are other sources of help out there. I was never mean't to be the cure-all and be-all for everyone and everything I thought needed help, support, change. If I cannot keep myself in health, mind, body, spirit and emotions I am not in shape to try to carry more weight than I was intended to carry.
What makes it easier Jean is continuing with the program; listening, learning and practice, practice, practice. Putting myself first to me does not mean out front of everyone else in my life, all alone. For me it is the attitude and awareness that I am also a child of God, a deserving human being and that sometimes...not all the time...my needs will get first attention and I turn all others over to HP and other sources of help. There are other sources of help out there. I was never mean't to be the cure-all and be-all for everyone and everything I thought needed help, support, change. If I cannot keep myself in health, mind, body, spirit and emotions I am not in shape to try to carry more weight than I was intended to carry.
It isn't so hard after practice.
Ditto. I completely agree with what Jerry shared.
Something else I practice just about every day is visualization. I know, some of you might be rolling your eyes over this practice. I did too when it was first suggested. But it works - with practice.
After I practice my yoga, some might be more comfortable if I say "after I exercise" I put on some soft instrumental music and sit quietly and imagine how I will take care of myself and extend love to others. I won't go into details for I think everyone who tries this needs to find what works for them.
I've read many times that many olympic medalists use visualization. It does work. Just like the thoughts that we continuiously roll over in our mind become part of our believe system, so can our visualzations.
We have to unlearn what others taught us through their words and actions. With lots of practice, we can unlearn unhealthy behaviors, such as being a doormat.
Maresie- I know what you mean. I drove people away with my controling behavior. If someone asked me for help or advice I was all about jump in there and do it for them.
Stormie- I use affirmations, works much the same way to unlearn unhealthy behaviors and also root out unhealthy unconcious belief systems.
Thanks, Jean, for starting this one.
__________________
~Jen~
"When you come to the edge of all you know you must believe in one of two things... there will be earth on which to stand or you will be given wings." ~Unknown
