The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
Hi...I am new to the board but have been looking for support somewhere....
My husband (I feel) is an alcoholic. He feels differently. Recently due to his drinking, he has some legal problems. I don't know what to do....he has slowed down on his drinking but my fear is it won't last long. I am lost....I don't know whether to take the kids and leave or stay and fight for my marriage....I am soooo tired of fighting!! I love the man....I really do, but my #1 concern is my kids!!! Lately, I can't get through a day without crying, I barely eat, and have a headache. Any advice, wisdom is greatly appreciated.
Welcome tma0413 to this forum. It is a wonderfully supportive family and you are not alone in your thoughts and feelings.
First off - Your description of yourself right now suggests that you are very depressed and not eating will only compound that state of mind. What ever is going on you need to look after yourself, and that means eating and drinking fluids, if you are not getting enough fluids that could be causing your headaches.
Just doing that will improve your ability to function and work through this for the best possible outcome for you and your children.
Secondly - Your husband has to own the responsibility and acknowledge his drinking in order to change that situation. You did not cause it, you cannot cure it, and you cannot control it. Those are the 3 c's of Al-anon, and the first step on this difficult journery is to accept that you are powerless over him and his drinking.
Thirdly - You are only able to change you and so it is you that you must concentrate on.
Believe me if you can rid yourself of that headache you will begin to feel a little better. And perhaps a chat with your doctor might not go amiss.
The situation you describe is cause enough for you to worry and become anxious and distressed. There are many here who will give you wonderful advice on how to deal with your feelings about your H.
As for leaving and taking the children or staying and fighting for your marriage, no one here could advise you on that. The decision is yours entirely.
What will happen here is that others will share their experiences and what they have done and how they have managed but no one is an expert or professional. We are ALL in recovery for living with/ or being affected by an alcoholic, and we follow the 12 Step programme to recovery, [ and if you can accept that you are powerless over your H and his drinking then you have just taken the first step to recovery], use the traditions and slogans to get us through, bounce our concerns and joys off of each other and share, support, care and love each member as brothers and sisters in recovery.
Miracles do happen and you have come to the right place for that. So many happen here. We are all Miracles in Progress and open our hearts and minds to you.
I will leave others to express more, but for now I will keep you in my daily prayer.
Heartbroken
__________________
"The highest form of wisdom is kindness." The Talmund
My A seems to go in phases. Somedays he drinks until he can barely stand up or speak coherently, other days he drinks far less and seems like the man i fell for. I too spend alot of time worrying about what is going to happen tomorrow, or the next day or the next week. I have read so many posts here and have already learned that we can't control what our A's are going to do. Maybe we would have an easier time if we stopped worrying about what they are going to do tomorrow. We can't stop them from drinking, and it seems like just a waste of our tears and energy to try to control their future. If they are going to drink they are going to drink, no matter how much we fret and worry about it. A piece of advice i have seen over and over here is to take it one day at a time. Lets try to do that and stop worrying about their tomorrow and focus on our today. My thoughts are with you.
Thank you both for your support and wisdom. You don't know how nice it is to have someone support me instead of telling me that I need to do something about "him".
"You did not cause it, you cannot cure it, and you cannot control it." I think that is the best thing I have ever heard!!! That really hit home!!!
I look forward to the support and fellowship from this forum as I begin my journey of regaining my sanity, my pride and my hope.
Welcome to MIP! And keep coming back. Remember you didn't cause it, you can't cure it, and you can't control it - the C's. In Alanon they tell us to not give advice like to stay or leave your marriage. Only our experience, strength and hope. And yes there is hope. Take care of you and your kids.
You don't have to decide any of this right now. You can learn something about alcoholism, learn something about alanon, spend some of that energy that you have been throwing at him in taking better care of yourself and your kids, and make your desicions when you have more clarity.
No matter what, there is nothing you can do about him, so don't waste your breath. My husband didn't drink any more or any less whether I was ragging on him every minute, or leaving him alone. When he finally decided to sober up, it had almost nothing to do with me or anything I said or did. But - when I was not on his case all the time, our home was a pleasanter place. And, I sometimes think it was easier for him to admit he had a problem because I wasn't pushing him to - that pride thing.
Everybody is different - what was OK with me might be intolerable to you. Only you know what you can and cannot live with, and that might change over time. Get to meetings if at all possible - it will make a world of difference.
You certainly sound qualified to be in this family. Welcome!! How about this idea? Participate in the Al-Anon Family Groups and learn to fight for your own peace of mind and serenity. That is what I did. I learned to put as much effort into myself and loving my self as I did my alcoholic. Sometimes that call balance and I prefer to add that it is also "fair, honest and just" behavior.
What a concept heh? putting as much love into yourself as you do others? Another thing I was taught here is that I could not understand what it was like to love someone else until I learned to love myself. Today that is still one of the largest truths in my life. This program is awesome. Stick around here. Listen and learn and practice, practice, practice.
Look up the Al-Anon hotline number in your local phone book and call them about face to face meetings and their times and locations so you can go sit and participate. You're already welcomed.
I sat in stay or leave for a long long time. Some of what is suggested in meetings is making a plan b. Ok if you do have to leave what do you need, what is it specifically job, money, somewhere to go whatever. If you want to have a choice maybe you can think about what they are and then not act on it. Set it all up so it is a viable option for you then decide if you want to act on it.
For me when I took the focus off the A and put it on me that was the beginning of some peace in my life. In my case it meant leaving the A after a long long time of being here. I have been here 3 years and been apart from the A since April last year. I continued to help and deal with him until about September of last year. I have not now spoken to him for a month and a half.For some of us leaving is over a period of time.
I can tell you I am rrelieved to be away from the A and his constant unremitting chaos. Legal problems were a huge part of the life I led with him.
I can also tell you that I still have many many issues to do with codepence. I also have many issues to do with sheer survival. I lost a great deal in leaving the A, furniture, household goods, a truck among others. They were very hard to leave.
No one here can give you the road map out nevertheless there are people here who have stayed with an A sober and stayed with an A who wasn't sober they began to move out of a life that was crisisbound. They separated out their issues and were not so bound up with whatever the A did. There are also those of us who leave. Any of those choices are hard. They all have a price. I didn't just wake up and have a happy ending but I do feel better after being here for 3 years I have to say I feel much much much better about my life.
