The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
As you all know the last few years I have been incredibly isolated. I am going to work this year on ending that isolation. I do not have that much luck in seeking out support. I spent last night on the phone with someone I met in the program. He talked about himself non stop for 1 hour! I would not in the past have necessarily seen that as a red flag. Now I do.
I have a lot of obstacles in getting support. I work long hours then have to rush home to take care of my dogs. I do a few hours of working on stuff in my little space and then have to go to sleep. On the weekends I am tied up with lots of chores. I am in job serach mode so also spend a few hours on the weekend sending out resumes.
The truth is I'm scared. I hooked up with one program friend on the internet. The two of us had so much in common. She dropped out of our friendship because her son got a DUI and her life was turned up side down by it. I felt that loss a great deal. I know also I have done that same thing to many many people in my life. For once I have no resentment just a sadness.
I am going to try to spend some time on the next holiday going to some meetings locally and to try to at least go to one meeting on the weekend. There are tons of issues for me in getting ot meetings (I have to go on public transit among them). There always will be issues. Nevertheless my isolation is a killer. I have to get some program friends and some kind of a social life. I have none.
I'll report back on how it goes after the Martin Luther King holiday.
Your introspection and reflection with the proper attitude and work will increase your recovery. You don't have to change it all at one time and I am sure you are understanding that. Prioritizing and following thru were my first changes. "First things first" (slogan) and then having the courage to stop some of my "can't" thinking and following thru on that also. I had to take little steps without questioning anyrthing about it. "Faith without works is..." (slogan).
I had to face my fears and then accept my fearfullness and go thru it anyway. I learned an acronym for fear that helps me to understand that alot of the information I use to support my fear and reluctance to change was not real or false. (False Evidence Appearing Real).
Many of the things I am compulsed to do is about my practiced compulsion. I learned not to fear being spontaneous and breaking out of the rut in my thinking, feeling and behaviors in order to make change. "It is okay to set aside what I am feeling compulsed to do in order to make the meeting" was one of my new changed thinking process and behavior when I acted on it and then I put aside the negative feelings of guilt, shame, anxiousness/fear, and the self blaming that use to come along after I didn't compulsively operate my habit.
It is okay and I am okay when I breakout of the habit and do something I don't normally do that hasn't worked for me. "There is no law that says I have to stay stuck in the insanity" was my new realization.
Isolation is both good for me and at times not good. First I realize that I am never alone. My HP has always been here for me whether anyone else is around or not. What I do in my isolation is important. If I am doing something healthy mental, spiritually, physically and emotionally...Isolation is great; no disturbances. If I am using the isolation to practice unhealthy behaviors then I am supporting my disease.
