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I'm spinning this off of another thread, where someone mentioned that their A said they drank by choice, not by compulsion....
I stuggled with that for many years, long before I went to AA. Deep down, I knew I had many symptoms of alcoholism. But I believed that "real" alcoholics drank compulsively and were completely out of control. In all my years of drinking, I never had a beer jump out of the fridge, pop it's top, hold me down and pour itself down my throat. I reached in, got it, popped it, drank it. I was convinced that was my choice.
And it was my choice. It wasn't until I had some time sober, and read some of the stories (in particular Bill's Story) from the Big Book, that I realized that the other part of the equation is a mental obsession with alcohol. I never felt physical cravings or withdrawal beyond a 1-day hangover, never went on a long bender. But from the moment I first felt the effects of it, I had a mental obsession with alcohol. That obsession led me to plan my drinking, even to control my drinking, drink only at home, drink only certain nights a week... I thought that meant I wasn't an alcoholic, but as a fellow AA pointed out to me early on, people who aren't alcoholics don't obsess about their drinking (or not drinking).
Light bulb on!
That is what makes me an alcoholic, even if I lack some of the other common credentials like rehab/detox time, jail time, DUI, or getting fired for drinking. All those things I'm sure are in my future should I decide to drink again. But, I'm no less of an alcoholic just because I got sober before I got there.
We in Alanon hear this mental obsession with alcohol every time our A opens their mouth, it seems. Believe it... it's real. And even sober - especially newly sober - the obsession remains. For me, it's on the back burner. Fortunately, the obsession faded as I worked my program and got more time sober.
The alcoholic in early sobriety is in a state of grief and mourning I think. The alcohol is gone, while the obsession remains... I know for me I felt after the first month, that I'd eventually go back to drinking because I knew the obsession would win in the end. The obsession that closes the loop in my brain, and reduces my options, to the point where I choose to drink. But believing I have no other choice. That's when it's a compulsion, even if we convince ourselves that it's total choice. Fortunately, for most of us who get sober, the obsession slowly fades and if we never forget who and what we are, and keep doing the work that kept us sober, the obsession will remain in check. Never gone. Close enough to remind us to be vigilant, but far enough to have a little warning. We always have to watch those headlights for signs they are moving closer... and take evasive action with the tools we know how to use.
I think I am coming to realise I had a mental obsession with the A. I thought about him before me, my entire life was tied up with him. When I drank and I do not drink anymore my drinking was associated with managing my anxiety. When I was in social situaitons and drink was available I drank. I never did drink every day but I sure as hell obsessed,plotted, manipulated and did everything I could to influence the A day in day out. I made him the center of my life.
Nowadays i try to put me at the center of my life.
Thanks for that post. It's always enlightens us to hear from the other side of the coin. My experience with my husband showed me that (in his case) there was no choice. I, like so many of us didn't understand until "not drinking" almost killed him. At some point his body came to need the alcohol to maintain and function. His hands shook every morning due to the sleeping hours without it. When he got ill and could not drink his body did not know how to act, it revolted from every core of his being. When he first became ill with bronchitis and was too ill to drink it took 2 days for his whole body to begin shaking and sweating, he progressed to hallucinating very strange things. He had no idea who I was or where he was (hospital), he vomited for days and his blood pressure was out of control (literally). He was strapped to a table in ICU with heart monitirs, IV's and a gazillion tubes and wires. It didn't seem to matter what drugs were given to him in the hospital, they didn't phase his torture (or mine). I can tell you I felt like a complete and total ass for all those times I belittled him, berated him, called him weak and told him to "Just friggin stop!!!!" It makes my heart sick to think about my part. I later apologized to him, telling him I was so sorry (about a thousand times). I had no idea what he was mentally and physically going through, struggling every day.
In his case, no, I believe he had no choice. Maybe at one time he would have but that was long, long ago.
* Today is his 2 yr. sober anniversary :)
Christy
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If we think that miracles are normal, we will expect them. And expecting a miracle is the surest way to get one.
In his case, no, I believe he had no choice. Maybe at one time he would have but that was long, long ago.
I believe that's what my future had in store for me had I kept on drinking. I think many of us "mental alcoholics" become physical alcoholics eventually. I get quarterly blood tests for rather mundane middle age stuff - cholesterol, blood pressure, glucose, etc - and my doctor is very happy that I suffered no liver damage. Not half as happy as I am! But there's no doubt in my mind where I was headed - my dad died of liver failure, as a chronic alcholic. The final 5 years of his life, he was in the chronic state - meaning, he had to have alcohol in his system 24 hours a day or he would go into withdrawal. In fact, he had to have an emergency appendectomy during that time and the hospital gave him IV alcohol to prevent withdrawal symptoms. This was after my mom told his doctors he was an alcoholic - he wouldn't have told them himself and as a result could have died from withdrawal.
I remember the subtle lies. Stopping at the little shopping center where the liquor store was and returning with a "thick" newspaper, which he'd place in the car trunk. I remember then, as a kid, arguing about that - feeling offended that he'd think I was stupid enough to think he'd put a newspaper in the trunk all by itself. I knew exactly how big a pint of gin in a flat bottle was.
If I could go back and re-live those last years when my father was alive, one thing I would do differently is save my breath, my angst, and my worry - and just enjoy what time I did have with him. All my controlling attempts (at the age of 14!!) didn't change the inevitable outcome.
I think I am coming to realise I had a mental obsession with the A. I thought about him before me, my entire life was tied up with him. When I drank and I do not drink anymore my drinking was associated with managing my anxiety. When I was in social situaitons and drink was available I drank. I never did drink every day but I sure as hell obsessed,plotted, manipulated and did everything I could to influence the A day in day out. I made him the center of my life.
You hit the nail on the head - this is our Alanon half of the disease, no less insidious than the drinker's side. The disease tells lies to the alcoholic; the disease lies to us through our alcoholics.
The hardest thing I ever did was let go of my daughter - after I had found sobriety myself, and I wanted for her to get it so badly. She was not only an alcoholic but a drug addict - and that may have been a blessing in disguise. The hard drugs brought her down at a young age, put her in jail, almost killed her... she got sober in her early 20s. If she were just a drinker - like her grandmother - she could have kept on going for decades without hitting her bottom.
And the other hard thing I've had to do is accept God's outcome - she got sober on her own, with God's help... not mine. Any guilt I have about the past, what I coulda-shoulda-woulda done differently, is not relevant - her sobriety is a gift - to her, and to me - I just accept it as such, and don't try to figure out why we "deserve" the gift, when so many never get it. The only reason that comes to mind is, to give it away and remain grateful and willing.
Thanks barisax for your post. My husband is not articulate. He tries to explain to me his perspective, thoughts and feelings, but has a lot of difficulty finding the right words. Perhaps he tries too hard. I think your post answered a few of my questions that he could not answer. Again, I thank you.
I watched my husband go from being mentally to physically addicted. He got to the point where he shook badly if he didn't have alcohol. I never knew he was at the level until he tried to quick cold turkey, 3 weeks after I left our home.
Thank you again. I look forward to your upcoming posts. Stormie
Thanks barisax for your post. My husband is not articulate. He tries to explain to me his perspective, thoughts and feelings, but has a lot of difficulty finding the right words. Perhaps he tries too hard. I think your post answered a few of my questions that he could not answer. Again, I thank you.
When I was newly sober and felt I was gaining an understanding of myself, the program, and alcoholism, I had numerous talks with my wife trying to explain things to her. It was a mistake.
If there is any overwhelming reason for me to suggest Alanon to the spouse (or any relation, but especially spouse) of a newly sober alcoholic, it's because it's a place they can develop their own understanding of alcoholism from people who share their own experience. As opposed to being spoon fed a tutorial from their alcoholic - the person they probably trust least at that given moment!
I think even the most sincere newly sober alcoholic can be very self-serving in how he explains his program to those around him. Intentionally or not... and even if he's not self-serving, he may still be perceived that way. There is precisely nothing an alcoholic can accomplish in this state by trying to "sponsor" their significant other into the complimentary program. I don't think I've ever so utterly failed at something in my life. And I don't believe that this is what wrecked my marriage - it was simply a futile attempt to save it.
I know how badly I wanted everything to be fixed. I thought my wife would be overjoyed that I had found sobriety, instead she just resented me for saying I was an alcoholic - something I had never done until *after* I stopped drinking. She was so embarrassed at having "done it again" (married an alcoholic), her pride and intellect prevented her from ever doing anything for herself. And that's one thing that infects both sides... pride and intellect. Alcoholics often feel "stupid" for "allowing" themselves to become alcoholics. But it can be much worse for someone who is NOT alcoholic. My ex-wife's family used the word stupid like a dagger of damnation... there was nothing worse than stupid. When she condemned herself with that judgement, there was no way out. I had absolutely no defense when the person that mattered most to me declared herself stupid for having ever married me. There was no foundation to work on our relationship in the present because she retroactively condemned "us" back to day one.
I spent many years believing that. All our good times were a sham, she said so. That more than anything else prevented me from getting close to another relationship, until I found someone who met me more than half way.
