The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
if having his Dad stay with his aunt is the right place for his Dad. AH left last Saturday and although it has been hard, there have been good parts of it too. I've been able to think through a lot more and it's been a great feeling to do little things (clean off the dining room table finally, study for my linguistics class, grade a thousand papers, just sit and read). The little things I've neglected about myself for the past few years because I was stressing out too much about AH. We've talked quite a bit and we agreed to go to a therapist that specializes in addiction and for him to return to outpatient rehab. But I told him that I want him to stay out of the house for a little bit because I really need to take time to heal. His son (14 years old) has been living with me and knows his father is at his aunt's. They hung out for a bit after school today and when my stepson came home, he said his dad is really sad about living with his aunt on the couch and he's worried that he'll get so depressed that his dad will go out and use or drink. He asked me if his Dad could come back home and sleep on the couch.
It breaks my heart that he asked me that. I know he needs his father. But I also need my sanity and having him out of the house has helped me. I've ALWAYS put my stepson's needs at the top of my priority list but I'm afraid that if my AH comes back, he'll use his son against me or we'll rush it and both our healing will not work out.
My take on it, based on what you have written, is that having AH out of the house for now may help everyone in the long run. That is putting stepson's needs first, IMO. He may not realize that, but if it were me, I would feel some comfort knowing that I was looking at the big picture and not just meeting his immediate needs.
I have personally gained clarity having distanced myself from my A. I do feel guilty at times for what he's going through, but I know for me and my family, it was the right thing to do.
How about explaining all that to your stepson? (most of it anyway). He's old enough to understand that counceling is needed and things need to change before it can work. Jumping back in to the same thing will bring about the same thing. He may be a bit more understanding if he knows everyone is working for a change for the good and it will take time. Dad has to live life on life's terms and if he drinks again it won't be because he's sleeping on someone elses couch. It'll be because he chose to drink.
take care, Christy
__________________
If we think that miracles are normal, we will expect them. And expecting a miracle is the surest way to get one.
Suggestion? Get to a face to face Al-Anon meeting and meet their literature secretary or person and ask them if you can see what is available in Alateen literature. Your 14 year old is old enough for the program (Al-Anon if Alateen is not available) and should have the same opportunities that all of us have to listen, learn, understand and make appropriate changes in our attitudes, thoughts, perceptions and behaviors.
Involving him in counseling and in his Pop's aftercare program is also a great idea if that can be arranged. He is after all the son of an addicted person and shielding him from what that means can result in a trajedy later on for him. If you like to read...pick up some info on genetic predisposition regarding decendants of alcoholics. A majority of the members here fit that mold. Those are some suggestions from my experience in recovery.
"I'm afraid that if my AH comes back, he'll use his son against me"
My first thought is that he already has. He is using him by giving him the "poor me act" to get back into the house. This is really typical A behavior. They often don't even realize they are doing it.
My A did this sort of thing for a long time and I think most do. His son needs to know that he is not responsible for fixing his fathers' situation. His father needs to be shown the respect of having his loved ones step out of the way so he can fix his own life. He does not need a babysitter or nanny, esp not a 14 yo kid.
Jerry's suggestion is good about f2f and alateen. If you go to the Alanon members web site there is even a little bit of stuff you can download for free. Here's the link:
www.al-anon.alateen.org/members
to log in just put in your home groups name(any group name will do) followed by afg.
Hope this helps.
In recovery,
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~Jen~
"When you come to the edge of all you know you must believe in one of two things... there will be earth on which to stand or you will be given wings." ~Unknown
I talked to my AH today about what his son said and his first response was that he did not put him up to it. I immediatly thought yeah right. But after AH and I talked a little bit more, I felt better. AH says that he is not ready to move back because we haven't talked enough about everything-why he's out, what needs to be done, how he feels, how I feel, etc. He felt that if we rushed him moving back or if he did it for the wrong reasons, then we would be repeating our mistakes and he stated that he needs to make some real changes, see his rehab therapist and group regularly and figure out what he is doing and why.
When my stepson asked me to let his Dad back, I told him that I would think about it and everything that you have told me has really helped. I am going to get him some Alateen literature. He knows that I went to that one f2f meeting because my car was totaled and I asked him if he wanted to go to Alateen and explained what it was. He said he would think about it. I don't think that he and I should go to the same meeting so that he can talk really candidly about his feelings and not hold back because I am around. Maybe after he checks out some alateen stuff, he'll want to go. I am going to talk to him this weekend about what his father and I talked about. He knows about his Dad's addiction and has seen him messed up. He hates it so much. He's seen the fights too. Something I really regret.
Thanks for all the advice. I knew that coming here would help me keep a clear head. ((hugs))
