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Been a while since I last posted so I thought I would give a little update/vent.... things have been really weird lately, my A just got off of probation. (He was on probation because he came home blacked out and got physically abusive, at which point the police came...) His probation included random PBTs and drug tests 3 times a week. So he has been sober for a year and a half.... on probation. And not once has he been physically abusive since, nor was he before that incident. So getting off probation is a big deal. It leaves me with a lot of fear. He is a bartender (!!!) so every night that he goes to work I fear it is the night he will decide to drink/use. He seems very dedicated to his sobriety, he has no intention of drinking again, yet the worry still plagues me. I know I can not control him but just like there will always be that person in him that wants to take a drink, there will always be a part of me that wants to control everything. So rather than feeling comfortable when he leaves for work because I know he is on probation, now I am scared because he is not on probation and now doesn't have the concern of a PBT in the morning. And the thing that really gets me is - it's not the fear of him drinking so much as it is the fear of him lying; the fear of him drinking and me not knowing..... I want to make my decisions for my life based on reality, not some imaginary person he puts out there for me to see. I've spent over 4 years of my life with him, we aren't married. I am 25 years old and the idea of spending all of this energy on someone who I love sober, only to lose them to alcohol, scares me. I don't want to get married and have kids with him, and then find he is drinking again. So then I ask myself, do I really want to stick it out with him? Why? If I stick with this, knowing what I am getting myself into, I don't feel like I can hold him 100% accountable if I get hurt. So why bother? Because I love him? I could find someone else to love. He isn't the only person I could be happy with.
A friend of mine from Alanon married her A recently. In her vows she described him as "her greatest challenge and her greatest reward." I want that with my A. I know I could be happy with someone else. I don't want to be. But it's a big change for me, being the control freak that I am, to walk into a relationship blindfolded.... to take a risk like this.... it's new and scary, and not in a way that I like. It's scary in a way that eats at my insides and leaves me wondering what on earth I am still doing with this guy!
He wants me to separate the person he was before he sobered up and the person he has been for the last year and a half. I was doing well with that. Then he got off probation. And now here I am, the same feeling I felt a year and a half ago re emerging. But I think it is unfair anyway, because that person he was before he sobered up isn't "gone" and never will be.
I know this is a little long winded.... but my train of thought goes that way. That's where I am right now. I don't know what kind of response I am looking for but it would be nice to know I am not alone, and maybe hear how some other people dealt with similar situations....
kikgirl, WHEW !! Firstly, an alcoholic is always an alcoholic. There are no promises that he won't relapse. People are sober for 25 yrs and then "snap"!! They fall off the wagon and start where they left off. What Alanon can do is help you sort out your feelings, wants and needs. Attending meetings in your area would be a great benefit to you. I think once you've lived with an alcoholic you are bound to have that fear they will drink. You can also work through it and live one day at a time. It seems like he's doing his best, how about you? You've made the first step, jump on in :)
Christy
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If we think that miracles are normal, we will expect them. And expecting a miracle is the surest way to get one.
you are not alone..my SAH just got off probation himself,and yes those feelings are back,and i to am scared that he will go to drinking and drugging{he isnt going to AA meetings and hasnt since oct 3..But i dont think he will go back to drinking,he just got a goverment job working at a VA hospital here in florida..but like i learned in al-alon we cant control what they do.if they decide to go back to thier addiction,then it is thier problem..he knows what will happen if he does..prayers are with you for strenth,and trust hun
Kikigirl, We all want the iron-clad guarantee that they stay sober, huh? I always thought of my A as "my reward for doing something right". well......... if he was my reward - then he definitely came with strings attached. I've loved and been hurt by my A on and off for YEARS. He never hurt my in a physical or verbal way - but the drinking destroyed the trust, the bond, and our future. Your A is doing all he can do for today. All you can do is take care of you today. This is the very best we can do. Maybe your A will drink again, and maybe he won't - but it's not in your hands. You need to dig deep and decide for yourself if you're willing to be with a man who will always have the disease of alcoholism. Looking over your shoulder and checking up on him won't change that. I understand your control issues. I have to keep mine in check DAILY. Control is hard to give up - but when we realize that the only real control we have is over ourselves, then it eases the struggle a bit. I hope you hang around and read some of the old posts on here. They will open your eyes to the reality of living with an A. You'll find how people have learned to live with the A in their lives, whether they are drinking or not. The miracles that happen here are within us. Ellen
Hey, Kikgirl. Glad you're here. I think the fear you have is universal for us AlAnons. And you are right there are no guarantees, never will be no matter how good they do for how long. But, you do have control of you. There are things you can do. You can get to meetings and keep coming here. You can read everything you can get your hands on. You can work our steps. These things won't guarantee that your A will stay sober, but they will guarantee your sanity when faced with any challenge of your life. That's why we "practice these principles in all our affairs."
This program has given me the confidence to keep trying with my AH when I was almost ready to give up. This program has taught me that I can rely on myself and trust myself to make good decisions. I understand how you feel about the lying. That has been my biggest challenge as well. My AH is also a meth user (sober 130+ days now) and they are so good at hiding it. We don't know often until it gets completely crazy.
I also believe that trying to separate the person he was then, from who he is now is kind of like putting your head in the sand. He is still the same person. Hiding from that is just denial and that is not healthy. I will never forget who my AH is. I don't beat him over the head with it. I accept it and go on. He is who he is, a wonderful, loving, gentle, father and husband with a hideous disease that can endanger us all if it is let loose again. But in this program, I can get the tools I need to deal with it. And I can give them to our two small boys so they can be healthy too.
Hope this helps. Take what you need and leave the rest is what we say.
In recovery,
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~Jen~
"When you come to the edge of all you know you must believe in one of two things... there will be earth on which to stand or you will be given wings." ~Unknown
The issue for me is that I have been more committed to dysfucntional people than functional people. When I met the A more than 8 years ago there was another guy on the horizon. He offered me much more but I was afraid to be known and loved. I settled for the familiar, the dysfunctional. I also was overly invested in the A. Dont' ask me why I had a huge fantasy that he'd get better and in the getting better he'd change.
The irony fo rme is that my ex husband (of long long ago) got sober after I divorced him, became a Chemical dependency counselor the works, eventually a therapist. I am so so committed to changing others sometimes I do the work and they run off with someone else!
I dont' think that my marriage or the relationship with the A could work as I was and am deeply deeply codependent. So all I would suggest is work on yourself for a while then what you need to do or not do in the relationship will become crystal clear without the need to obsess.
