The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I am so constantly aware that I have spent my entire life absolutely overinvolved in everything but my own life. During the past few weeks a room mate of mine has told me she has written an anonymous letter to her son's supervisor's supervisor about the conduct of his supervisor. I have really really worked on being neutral about this. I have said nothing when she brought the subject up. I have not read the letter. I have not commented when she says she feels it would make a difference.
I think one reason I have been able to do this is because I can come here and really work on my codependence.
I was during the whole time I was with the A totally over involved with his family, his friends his jobs, his life and absolutely did stuff that was similar to what my roomate is doing. I had extreme emotions about how other people treated him. I had real feelings of envy and jealousy about other people in his life (like anyone was getting something from an active addict). I acted out by withdrawing or by showing my feelings in overwrough ways. I very very rarely behaved appriopriately. I simply did not know how to.
I can't say I started this behavior with the A. I've spent my whole life doing it. I was obsessed from morning to night by what others thought of me (people pleasing), in reaction to feeling absolutely dependent on others. I alllowed others like the A to use my dependence like a Smith and Wesson. I set myself up day in day out by being so out of control.
I enjoy these days having some modicum of control over my life. I still dont' have an easy life by any means but I dont' feel lost in it. I struggle tremendously with how to deal with certain people. There are certain people who I no longer deal with. If someone is actively hostile to me these days I edit them from my life as best I can. I don't try to solve anyone else's problems.
I work actively to remain detached I will not be saying anything to my roommate about her boundaries. I talk to her about boundaries but I certainly never ever take her inventory for her. She has her own life and I have my own life and I have at last (in my old age) begun to see what is mine to deal with and what' s not.
Marisie I can so relate to your post. I was so overinvolved in my A's life, too. I was so jealous of the people he would go off and do things with. I would sit home and wait. He would say he never wanted to do anything with me because I was such a drag to spend time with. If I did join in in what he was doing it was always to play an accompanying role to him and what he was doing, make him look good. Like I was there to show up with him to show that he had a wife, etc. And then there were some things I was in total denial about and wanted no involvement in- like at one point the checkbook/money situation. By the time I got a hold of it and found out what was going on, our accounts were all shut down and I was just screwed and could not even open a new account for myself! It would have been much wiser to be monitoring them all along, of course (total denial), not that he would have allowed me to do anything to change what happened anyway- to him it was all the banks fault!!! (how nuts is that!!!!???). what a disease we have had to deal with!
I, too, have been obsessed about what others thought of me. Always.
I was just in a meeting where a man told how either he hid from problems/strong feelings or else he had to have total and complete control over them, no dimmer switch and I totally understand this. I still struggle with this. But I am learning so much by attending meetings and coming here and reading the literature. thanks for your post, reminds me of some things I have forgotten. J.
I think one thing that stood out for me recently was in a biography I am reading (non Al anon approved) where the author talks about his family just springing news on him. My mother did that to me all the time. The A did it to me too. When I stepped in to help him last summer, breaking my back to find him a place to live (one he could live with even though he was homeless he was suprizingly particular about where he would go), he didn't bother to tell me that he had been arrested for a hit and run. He sprung that on me and expected me to step up to it as usual. He'd avoid telling me stuff then spring it on me and expect me to be supportive, loving, concerned and give him everything. No wonder I became controling.
I really super duper work overtime not to be overinvolved with others. I also work super hard on seeing red flags. This latest endeavor with my roommate has made me realize despite her assertions that she does not have good boundaries. I know to be wary around people without good boundaries. I have to deal with them but I know to put my trust in those who are boundaried.
well, its just so much easier to deal with people who are just right out there with their boundaries! There is no trying to guess or feel them out or confusion. Its so nice when people have boundaries and are clear about them- its like the writing is all there in front of you, no suprises. I love it when people are clear. Lots of people think people who are clear are mean or a pain in the butt but I think they are great because I know exactly what to expect. Plus it encourages me to be/do the same! Lay all our cards right out on the table. J.
Great conversation. I can so relate. I have gotten to where I am really short on patience with people who can't just come out and say what they mean. MY mil is a case in point. When AH talked to her at Christmas, she wanted to know what was going on with us and do you think she would just come out and ask. Heck no. She totally beats around the bush, drops hints, etc. My AH tried to tell me about the conversation (he is working on open honesty), and could not figure out what she had said. It was a real eye opener for him. He says," Why can't she just ask? Why can't we just have a normal conversation?" I said, "Because she is sick with the disease too." Now he has a better idea of how I felt dealing with him. LOL
We have some customers that are like that too. I have to work hard sometimes not to loose my patience with them or let them drag me into their drama. It's funny how I can often spot someone right away that has this disease close to them. Even just a few minutes on the phone sometimes has me refering them to a meeting. How's that for awareness.
Maresie, you are doing so awesome. The changes are truly a miracle. Jean I am constantly amazed at how we relate to each other. After so many years of feeling so alone, I love this program.
In recovery,
__________________
~Jen~
"When you come to the edge of all you know you must believe in one of two things... there will be earth on which to stand or you will be given wings." ~Unknown
