The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I woke up this morning sad. Feeling really despretly depressed. I started praying before I even opened my eyes. I prayed and cried. My ex seemed to be heavy on my mind. My feelings and my confusion. Also, my mother and my best friend"s daughter. Just all the really hard stuff. It was just there as I woke up and I couldn't shake it.
My ex, and the fact that he hates me more than he loves his own kids. The fact that if he can't have it his way, then he just dumps them. Hoping beyond hope that he did infact relapse and not just decide to give up his kids. It was all making me sick. Feeling like I was somehow responsible for his not seeing his kids. That if I had only, then he would have stayed seeing the kids. If I had only done exactly what he told me to do, allow myself to be abused in every way, be lied to, cheated on, stolen from, THEN the kids would still have their father. INSANE I know. But they were my feelings. My feelings that I did nothing about except to feel them. I felt ugly and stupid and used and worthless and I cried. I asked God to help me keep the focus on my kids and myself. I cried some more. I took the cat to the vet and spent money I don't have because if anything happens to this cat my kids might just lose it.
So, there I am, in this mindset, trying to think and pray my way out of it, driving in the town next to mine to get to the bank when who should I see go jogging by? The ex. And he saw me. I kept going, I mean why not. But still it was like a punch in the gut. He's just out jogging, doing something he loves to do, no thought to his kids, or supporting them. It did nothing to me. The feeling of vomit left very quickly. But why? Why? I go out of my way daily to avoid even driving by where he works and lives. Here I am in the next town over probably like 15 miles from my town and there he is. Why? This makes no sense. What is that supposed to tell me? What am I supposed to learn? What is the lesson there? If I were in a worse spot mentally I would say it was like HP saw I was down and decided to kick me. I am kinda numb at the moment and scared of the numb wearing off. I am scared of my anger, my rage. I am sick of this. I can only change what I can change but what can I do?
all I can say is that my ESH is attitude is everything. I could feel personaly attacked by the A's choices. I no longer do. Right now he is holed up with some relative. He has to worry about nothing, no rent payment, people there feed him and he has no pressures. I am on my own struggling to keep a job and stuck with taking care of the two dogs (I can't exactly say I am "stuck" but he doesn't help!). I took the A's actions incredibly personally for 7 years. I have to say it almost killed me. I felt over responsible for every single thing he did. I tried to control him. I got to a place where I was bsnkuprt emotionally and physically. I simply could not go on as I was. I had to "let go". I put him in God's hands. I have no idea why he acts as he does. He has many many strressors, and "diseases". Certainly I have to be careful I am not in my own disease of taking it incredibly personally. I felt absoltuely and totlaly abandoned by the A. I no longer am. I took back my power. He is not in my life anymore. Getting him out of my life took the enitre year last year. I know that is not an option to just click your fingers and be rid of him. There are options though : detaching is one of them ( I have to detach whenever it gets too much). Refocusiing on me is key. I have like you to care for a pet which is in theory the A;s. If anything happened to them I would be totally devastated. This week I have to spend money I don't have on vaccinations. I alway spent the money ont he pets. The A' didn't. That was my realtiy. I accepted that as reality for years. I no longer do. I will not have someone in my life who isn't reciprocal anymore. Of course I also dont' get to do all that overnight either. I live in dysunction (the house I live in is very very very dysfunctional) getting out of that takes time.
Take the sitck off your back. You dont' need to beat yourself up. You are a wonderful mother, kind and loving. The A;s diesease is not a personal reflection on you.
I have to say that I also was incredibly "triggered" by any appearance of the A. Talking to him on the phone was really a huge trigger. This weekend I went to check a mail box I have with him (I have not checked it for months - my mail is forwarded). In theory an easy task. I went immediately afterwards out to lunch (something I never do) in order to counteract it and focus on something else. I dont' know that I would personally know what is healthy and not healthy for an A to do. I work on knowing what's healthy for me. I was so absolutely obsessed with what the A did I lost all pespective. For me the issue is that the A chooses to continue using. He may well do things that are ok, even good for him in the interim (he stays with an Uncle right now whom I like a lot). As long as he is choosing to remain not in recovery there is no point in my dealing with him. I can get totally lost in the details and the complexities of his life. I can be so frustrated, angry and fed up with his behavior I lose myself. For me its therefore essential to focus on me. How am I feeling, not how is he feeling, he has a HP to help him with that. He has family members, he has people around him. I don't. The A would totally absolutely swallow me up with his needs and his wants and his concerns. I was to have none. I simply cannot deal with someone who insists that 100% of the time always, never failing, never an other way he has to come first above everything, above anyone, above any of my issues, health concerns, finances, whatever the only way to have a relationship with him that did not involve total warfare was to put him first 100% of the time 365 days a year. I did that and I will not do it again.
Serendipity I so relate to waking in that state, it feels like you have been hit with a sledgehammer of crushing sadness and the dam has broken and as consciousness dawns it takes the breath out of your lungs, which feel as if they will not inflate properly. And you have no idea where this has come from and why you have awoken in such a state.
Your post wrenched at my heart and made me cry for you. I am so sad you are going through this, however there is something that can be learned from it. The only way I can explain this is by sharing a little of my story here with you, in the hope that it might help you through this.
Knowing that my A had declared that I was no longer good for him and he did not love me, in fact he despised me, hurt so deeply.
I had to think back to who I married and who I ended up living with.
The man I married had gone, disappeared, no longer existed even though I still was in love with that man. The man I ended up living with was cruel, violent, selfish and dominating and frightening. And I realised I had to go through the process of bereavement much the same as one does when grieving the death of a loved one.
Sometimes there seems no rhyme or reason to what happens, but as Christy said what you were being shown was a man who was getting on with his life without a thought for you. And that is like a blow below the belt.
The blow below the belt for me was when the man I had married rang to tell me he was remarrying, that he was only telling me because of the children, otherwise he would not be bothering. My world stopped on that day in September 1991, and it took me a long time to start breathing after that. It was my wake up call that it was over, he had made choices and I was NOT one of them. I still love the man I married, but that man is no longer and I have had to let go of the man I ended up with.
I still wake in the morning feeling as though I am suffocating with grief and tears just like you have, though these are rare, even after 19 years of divorce; however I have stopped asking the question WHY, and just try to concentrate on the love IN my love, which comes from others and my HP - God, and realise that time has woven a soft blanket for me to fall into.
Be kind to yourself rather than beat yourself; lavish yourself with gentleness, one day at a time, and if necessary one hour at a time right now. Holding you in my prayers and asking for God's loving arms to hold you close. In my experience, it does get better in time. I hope some of our words have helped you.
((((((gentle hugs)))))))))))) Heartbroken
__________________
"The highest form of wisdom is kindness." The Talmund
I would have took it as a sign to swerve... Just kidding but I know the temptation must have been there. At least then the kids would get survivor benefits. I'm sorry you keep coming across him and his ho. I am not sure what the message is except perhaps it is time to get on with it and let him and all his crap go. You may be suffering now but he will pay the price later when all of his kids resent him and there's nothing he can do to change it. I wouldnt' take it as he hates you more than he loves them I would take it as he loves himself more than he loves them OR you!
I have a GOOD story, here's mine. I was at the thrift store today and thinking gee I wish they had some of those cotton jammie sets for my son, then I was getting ready to leave and the lady brings out 5 that's right 5 pairs in great condition and for a buck a piece. Also a pair of nice sweatpants his size too. Everything she brought out was his size and I just couldn't believe the jammies were RIGHT THERE just moments after I wished for them. The secret? Perhaps...
I spent a lot of time in extreme emotions around the A. When I started to detach it wasn't that I was numb but I started to remove myself when things got extreme. When the A was living in a trailer I paid for he would insist I make the long journey (3 hours) to see him on the weekend. After all his needs came first. When I started saying I am not well enough to make the journey and taking myself out of the picture, the hate started to dwindle. I can't say I "hate" the A anymore. I dislike him but I don't hate him. I also think I identified so much with his struggle, his illness, his issues with his family, his struggles I loved and cared for him far more than I did for me. My future was totally tied up with him and I could not imagine life without him. Now I do more than imagine I live it. I don't have a wonderful life in fact someone today told me I look sad most of the time. Nevertheless my life is much much much better now that I don't have to deal with is unrelenting chaos day in day out. I will be years getting to a comfortable life but I will get there.
Seren, here a couple of ways to look at it (this is what I would do, if I was in your shoes):
first: maybe this has nothing to do with me, my HP or anything at all! Maybe its just a dumb coincidence. Not every single occurence in my life is loaded with a message from God. Not every single thing that happens is about ME!! (stop making a mountain out of a molehill, Jean!).
second: yep, we live in the same state, in neighboring towns. Our paths are going to cross, here and there. its bound to happen. Get used to it and get over it/deal with it so I can get over it. To expect that I will never see him/her around is unreasonable. Change your expectations, Jean.
third: call an al-anon friend or sponsor and reason it out. You hurt. Alot. Just call someone in the program and sit in your pain for a few minutes with that person. Just say: I hurt! I hurt alot! and that other person will make calming reassuring noises and talk with you and take time for you and listen and acknowledge your pain. Feelings are not facts, Jean. They are designed to arrive, be there, and then go. Sometimes over and over so it feels like they are beating a path through your heart and mind but they will go and a new day will dawn. Its just for today, Jean.
Forth: sick and tired of it? change the channel. Just like the remote on the TV. I never thought it was possible but I was wrong. Sometimes all I have to do is change the channel. Drive to the Y, head to the mall. go have lunch with a friend. work on a project, head to your office, go do something cool with a child, get to the movies, change the channel. Simply pick up your brain and put it somewhere else, Jean.
Take care Seren, I know you have been growing and changing a lot, for the better. I have found that sometimes my most painful moments of facing an ugly truth have in fact been labor pains for brand new patterns, thoughts and attitudes that have really STUCK and served me well. Hugs, J.
Ouch lin0606 that hurts but it is true also in my case. I obsess and I wake up crying and so sad. Yea and he isn't spending one minute weeping over me. I have seen my AHsober at times in unexpected places. He hasn't seen me. And I think how sad that I can't wave or say let's do coffee. Yes HP is sayinig to me that he has moved on right or wrong but I haven't. All I can say is that when I have these sinking spells I try to get out of them right away like calling an Alanoner and a friend or doing something nice for myself.
