One of the core components of my codependency is feeling stuck and not having good boundaries. I have a room mate as you all know who orchestrated his firing in December.  He really played a good number on being shocked the job he was in fired him after he took time off when he was told that was no leave.  He played the victim very very well. The A did stuff like that all the time, sabataged himself then acted suprized.  Then he shut himself up at his mother's house for a month. He applied for one job duirng that time. 

I posted ont his board about how I felt around him (which was crazy) and got a lot of good feedback.

I'm now aware that what I lacked when I lived with the A (for a full long 7 years) was detachment and of course even an ounce of self preservation.  I am also aware that I have been fused with self destructive people all mylife. Someone acts self destructive around me I feel its my pesonal mission to save them!

I heard last night that the room mate is now smoking pot.  I have no real judgment about that bu the issue is that any job at all these days now asks for a drug test.  That's one of the crucial gateways to getting a job. Clearly he's not in job search mode.

I have to say in the past I would have been totally crazy around this. I would have seen it as my personal mission to persuade him not to be self destructive.  I would have felt terrified that  I was going to be abandoned again.  I would have felt historical anger (been triggered) about my parents self destructive ness. I would have relived and relived and relived the  A's abandonments, self destructiveness and more.

Instead over this holiday I was worked super hard to separate out the triggers, to separate out that he is not the A.  This man cannot abandon me. I am not responsible for him. I was made responsible for others my whole life now I am just responsible for me.

Last night I saw this roommate for the first time in 6 weeks.  I said very little. Hallo pleasantly. I did not go into abandonment, over involvement and I did not have a reaction.  I have to say it was super hard work not to go elsewhere but some of it is that I am so busy and super laser focused on getting out of the job I am in.  I have barely time ot breathe let alone focus on saving someone else.  Perhaps I can recovery from being a rescuer/codependent yet!

maresie.