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So I have tried really hard to stop yelling and being mean and I am REALLY struggling with it. I'm not sure how to get myself out of this and I'm thinking I'm in a rut where I'm just spinning my wheels and fall right back into the middle of it.
My problem is me and I know this but I just can't seem to get it under control. I have been yelling, swearing at and just being not so nice to my kids.
I feel like if I don't yell they don't listen at all, when I have tried to quit they just plain don't respond to me. I'm so frustrated with their crap - being disrespectful, arguing with eachother and fighting, being lazy and saying in a minute when I tell them to do something, whining and complaining about everything they have to do or just blowing it off. I'm not happy with my daycare and there are no other options right now so I'm extremely frustrated with that. My house is a constant disaster and I'm frustrated with that. I'm late and I get frustrated with that.
I just feel like I get angry over every little thing, I even realize it when it happens 1/2 the time but can't get rid of it. The worst thing is I feel like my life is SO HARD and the only person who is easing any of the burden is my oldest daughter and she gets the brunt of it. Of course she is the mouthy one too.
How can I make them listen and DO without having to yell, scream, threaten, spank, and just get generally mean?
How can I control the anger that is not resulting from their behavior but ends up coming out toward them?
The screaming and anger is the only thing that works, all the rewards and niceness don't work most of the time. I think I have gotten better but this morning I was late and mad. I wasn't mad at them but that's not how it came out.
I don't tend to lose my temper but i do express frustration and chaos onto my children. Something that has helped me and is helping me get back on track is flylady. It's a website that treats getting control over your home in baby steps. It's amazing how something as simple as coming home to a clean sink make you feel like things are starting be in control again.
"The worst thing is I feel like my life is SO HARD"
My sponsor pointed out to me many times over the years, and I finally came to see where it was true, that my childrens' behavior usually coincided with how I was with 'self'.
When I was struggling emotionally, not doing what I needed to nurture and make progress in my own recovery, my kids were bouncing off the walls-disrespectful, mouthy, refusing to do chores.
It turned out to be a vicious cycle because the worse I felt, the worse they acted, the more I retaliated against their inappropriate attitudes, the more they rebelled against me. I grew increasingly frustrated, and so did they.
I have taken two parentings classes that were free through social services. The last one was about 4 years ago and was geared towards parenting teens.
I have never regretted taking those classes. It's not a cure-all, but it gave me some new tools to work with in my parenting.
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"If a dog will not come to you after having looked you in the face, you should go home and examine your conscience." - Woodrow Wilson
Have you done your 4th step yet? If not, it's time. Don't forget to put you, God, Mom & Dad on there. It might also be time to get a professional involved in helping you move forward. Al anon can't cover everything. Lastly, have you gotten regular physical activity into your life? Intensive, regular physical activity will deeply change how you deal with your anger.
Wow what a lot of frustration. I can only give you my ESH. I have had to set really realistic goals for me. What can I do in a week/day/month. When I am in overload like I am right now I set fewer goals. I take a step back. I readjust the schedule. I can be in complete frustration, anger and overlaod really easily. I know where that gets me quickly to a point of crisis.
Obviously I dont' have children to deal with. I do however have a lot on my plate. i try to break stuff down. What can I do to improve the quality of my life. How can I organize my life better? How can I refuel myself and take care of me.
When I am on total overload I get into deep trouble really quickly. I also know when I was on overload I looked to the A. One of my core goals is to give up on him completely so its important for me not to have too too much frustration. Some things I have control over, other things I don't. I may have to have long term goals for a while.
How can you? Give up the control (that you don't really have) and turn it over to an Higher Power of your understanding. How can you? Work the program...all of it, the meetings, literature, sponsorship, prayer and meditation, slogans and attitude and behavioral changes. How can you? Stop doing what you're doing which isn't working and do something different (the program not your program). Sounds like you are sick and tired of being sick and tired or as we call it; you have reached your bottom. Only way now is up. Get up and go to a meeting and keep going back and coming back here.
I hate frustration. It leads to impatience with myself and others. That then leads to anger, self pity, rage and trying to force peace from an insane situation. Better to let go and let God with patience, faith and go work my own program than try to exercise power and control over people unwilling to participate in my will. LOL I use to do insanity real well.
Be a part of the solution, not the problem...get to some meetings. Get some literature. Get a sponsor. Work the steps. Repeat daily.
OMG, CG do I ever know how you feel. I go to AA meeings sometimes and hear them talk about anger and resentment and rage and they don't understand how we Al-Anons really get it. We just never medicated it.LOL
Ok, so here's how I continually deal with it. I have started to learn how to check mysef for what I need. I rage badly. I scare my kids and I scare myself. I get on the pity party, "I can't do it. It's too hard. It's not fair." Of course it is hard. Life is hard, but I can do it. And life is not fair. Tough. The thing is that as you know, whatever I'm raging about at the moment really has nothing to do with my problem. My problem is that I am trying to do it all. I'm expecting way too much and I am not taking care of myself. Sometimes I realize I am even still holding on to that fantasy that I wouldn't have to if someone else would just come in and rescue me from all this. And I don't think that is because I really even want a rescuer anymore. I think I just tend to get lazy sometimes esp when I'm feeling overloaded. I have still not really learned that I can't do anything unless I take care of my own emotional welfare. I can't give of myself unless their is something in me worthwhile to give. If I don't think I am worth the effort to take care of me, what do I really have to give to my kids, my job, etc.
I have to give some quality time and effort to my own self first. So I am learning to ask myself, "How do I really feel right now under the anger, and what do I really need right now to take care of myself?" My emotional outbursts are invariably hiding the fact that I need to be able to let out the sadness and frustration and whatever else is building up.
I had a rage incident yesterday that was thankfully directed at a snowblower, not my kids. I think it was just a lot of emotional stesses that I had been minimalizing. We are so good at that. We minimalize everything until it builds up in us to a boiling point. Nothing is ever that bad you know, until we are raging about it.
So try to ask yourself when you are boiling over ( eventually you will learn to ask before you get there) "What do I need right now? What can I do to take care of my kids mother for a few moments so she can be happy and find the love in her heart again?" Maybe you can even try to do this several times a day for a while til it gets to be a habit.
I know you love those kids. I hated myself for showing mine such a monster, but now I realize that this is our part of this d*** disease. This is our inability to cope on a daily basis with life. This is our distorted thinking. This is where our program shines. This is where getting to a meeting and talking to others that understand works.
You are not a monster. I am not a monster. We are just doing the best we know how and trying to learn more so we can do better. And it will get better as long as we keep working at it, but it has to be for you too, not just for them. The best thing you can do for your children on a consistant basis is to love their mother and take care of her so she can take care of them.
In recovery,
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~Jen~
"When you come to the edge of all you know you must believe in one of two things... there will be earth on which to stand or you will be given wings." ~Unknown
I have decided that I WILL not yell anymore and I will not tolerate others yelling either at me or eachother. Yelling leads to immediate room time. It's very hard! Many times the volume rises and you don't even realize it until it's a screaming match. As soon as I begin to feel the anger coming on when talking to one of my kids I stop talking and if they are yelling they go to their room. We'll see how this works.... There are tons of power struggles between me and the 13 yo and in most cases it's not something I can say ok whatever to it is something she has to do or not do. I still don't have a grip on parenting a teen.
With the thought of the old saying, "misery loves company", let me just say, "I'm right there with ya". Okay, no, actually I am not. I am locked in my computer room with my 3 yr old banging on the door telling me to come out and sleep with him. He will not stay in his bed and I refuse. I've had about 9 hors of sleep total over the past 3 nights and I am completely unable to cope. Can't make him stay ijn bed and he feels my weakness. Can't isolate him so I am isolating myself. AAAAAHHHHH!
Hang in there! If you get it figured out, let me know, ok? Sorry no strength or hope here, just bad experience, but may you get comfort in knowing you are not alone.
Lou
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Every new day begins with new possibilities. It's up to us to fill it with the things that move us toward progress and peace. ~ Ronald Reagan~
Sometimes what you want to do has to fail, so you won't ~Marguerite Bro~
