The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I have noticed for me that the things that helped me were not things that he did or even things that I did but really just a change in the way that I think about things.
I think the most important things for me have been to stop feeling responsible for the way other people feel. I remember being afraid to say things to him for fear of how he would react or of hurting his feelings. It truly is none of my business how he feels and I understand that now. Everyone has to hear things they don't want to hear on occasion. Do I blame the messenger? People do things that affect us all the time without and consideration of our feelings and yet I think most of the time I think about other people WAY too much. I was talking to a coworker about this yesterday. I was shopping at a store and thought oh she would LOVE that and it made me think about her, because I care about her and I pay attention to what she likes and doesn't like. I don't know if most people do that. I think that may be why I feel neglected a lot because I think that way and most people don't? Perhaps.
Anyway back on subject. I found that when I stopped thinking in terms of what was happening TO me and being mad at him for it and started thinking about what I was greatful for things changed for me. I stopped blaming him for not doing what he was "supposed" to do - in my mind and probably most of society's anyway. And I started thinking in terms of this is what I need to do and he has his own choices to make and live with. It took a long time to accept that this is just who he is now, he is not the guy I met 8 years ago anymore and he wont be again. How many times have we had a perfect moment and wished so much we could get back to that point in time? But we all know that once a time has passed it can never be back again. Sometimes I think that's like the addict always searching for that first high again. I was always waiting for it to be the way it was again, nevermind the fact that people evolve and change over time. It's almost like have a teenager and waiting for them to behave like they were 3 again. It's nonsense!
The more I think about these character traits - active listening, thinking of others, holding on to hope - I think they haven't really served me well. I know they are necessary but I think in excess they have been a burden to me.
CG, in my opinion, the very character traits that you talk about as not serving you well are the very character traits that DO and WILL SERVE YOU WELL.
Active listening, thinking of others, holding on to hope are very positive traits, very honourable traits, very caring traits. They are part of your make up, the nuts and bolts that hold you together and make you the beautiful person you are.
However, I signify a sensitive person too, one who thinks outside of herself and thinks of others too and sensitive people get hurt. However, so do insensitive persons. The difference is that insensitive persons get hurt so much more in the long term because the damage is more because they do not see/feel the hurt until it is too late.
It is like having sensitive hands, some people can take a boiled egg out of the boiling water and not feel the heat, whilst the person with sensitive hands will use a spoon to take the egg out of the water. Each time the person taking the egg out of the boiling water in their hand, they are risking burning their hand, but until they feel the heat they are going to continue to do it that way. Not sure I am illustrating my reasoning all that well, however, they only need to get one cut on that hand and the heat will burn.
Why risk being burnt because one thinks one is thick skinned and will not get burned. Better to use the spoon and stay safe.
Think of your sensitive traits as protection, not only for you but for others too. Perhaps you might rethink why you feel that these sensitive traits have not served you well, from where I am standing they make you the unique and wonderful person that you are regardless of the hurt you have experienced in your life - just as I have in my own life because I am sensitive.
HB
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"The highest form of wisdom is kindness." The Talmund
O BY THE WAY, there is another side that I forgot.
Because you have sensitive traits such as active listening, thinking of others, holding on to hope you hear the unspoken plea of distress, you hear the unspoken pain, you think about your action before acting and how other will be affected, you remember others outside of your immediate family, and you project a hope for others to take a lead from, simply because you are sensitive and thoughtful and caring and have hope.
Your senses tell you when you are in danger, but they also tell you of the beautiful things in life for you are much more likely to feel the lightest of warm breezes, softest of caresses and the quietest of whispers.
Hope is like a light...it shines out in the darkness and others see it too and it lightens up a path so that others are kept from total despair and loss.
Hang on, just remember that you will be hurt along life's path, no matter whether you have these sensitives or not though I know I would rather be a gentle person than a hard person.
HB
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"The highest form of wisdom is kindness." The Talmund
Personally I have to reign in my people pleasing day in day out. I also have to reign in the victim stuff. I can go to either extreme. For me in recovery the first thing is to think about me. That might not be what others have to do but I can leave myself out of the picture always. The A thrived on that.
However, this sensitivity is not a good thing if it leads to resentment because everyone else is not like that.
Being sensitive and caring is usually accepted as being a good thing. However, I wonder how many 'sensitive' people are actually just, in their hearts, "buying" love - trying to deserve being cared for the way they care for others. If the soft surface is actually covering bitterness and resentment, that is not good for anybody.
I think it comes down to accepting reality. You are the way you are, and you have choices as to whether there are aspects of that you want to change. Other people are the way THEY are, and there your choices are about whether or not you will accept their behaviour toward you.
Having other people be the way you want them to be is not one of the choices (too bad...)
Everything in moderation, CG, even good character traits. My big one was trust. I always thought I should trust, but I took it to an extreme and trusted too easily. I don't want to be a suspicious person, but now a person needs to earn my trust. I will never give it that easily again.
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~Jen~
"When you come to the edge of all you know you must believe in one of two things... there will be earth on which to stand or you will be given wings." ~Unknown
